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Am I being a typically bad millennial?

(24 Posts)
kittykat798 Tue 14-Nov-17 18:34:30

Sorry, this is long! I'm 23 and my partner is 28. We have been together for a few years and met whilst I was at University and he was a teacher in a local secondary school. He's moved from the North to be with me as I've moved back home just outside of London (he does not live with me and is rarely allowed round). I started a graduate job in a big corporate company and need to qualify for my end-position, this consists of 15 exams. My parents have always wanted me to do well but never really pushed for it, just judged if I wasn't great. I'm a straight A* student from GCSE to A Level and then a got a first class degree from a Russell Group university.My parents are working class, neither went to university and they struggled for money growing up but I never asked for anything at all. I did as I was told and have spent my life trying to make them proud. I am very polite, respectful, and will never argue with them. However, I have now been home for a year and there was a mutual agreement that I would not pay rent in an effort to save money (which I did) and only paid for petrol if they drove me anywhere such as the train station for work. Neither of them works anymore and have retired. My partner and I just bought our first house close to my parents, and it's currently about to exchange contracts 3 weeks before I write 3 professional exams within two days. If I fail an exam I get fired. I decided I would stay at home for stability at this time and move afterwards but some comments have been made that they want rent for this time and that they're not being 'taken for mugs'. I feel really upset about this because I've never asked for much in my life. I've always worked for money since 14 and put myself through university etc. My brother is 10 years older and was always in trouble from a young age so I've been the opposite.

Am I just acting hard done by? What advice do you give for this?

I'm about to take my mum out to a spa as I planned weeks ago so I do attempt to spend money on them (such as nice dinners etc) whenever I can.

category12 Tue 14-Nov-17 18:43:44

I'd pay a nominal rent for the three weeks. They've supported you for the past year.

PNGirl Tue 14-Nov-17 18:46:50

They way they have raised it is a bit hurtful and would make me feel like they had been pretending to be happy about the arrangement all along. I would probably just offer something for the sake of relations.

Babyblues052 Tue 14-Nov-17 18:57:01

I think you should pay rent. Why wouldn't you? You're an adult It's hard enough running a house for multiple people and they are retired! Give them money and help them out.

Maybe they could have broached the subject differently, wasn't a nice thing to say. But ultimately I think you should pay your way.

pog100 Tue 14-Nov-17 19:07:55

You deserve more credit but it just isn't worth the emotional energy. Give them some rent and relax. You won't really be able to change their perceptions and I expect they would like to see some of the benefits of what they see as your high flying career. If they haven't been in the Uni. milieu the First want mean as much as the income.
Basically I agree with you but would advise you not to make a fuss, for all your benefits.
Spoken as a parent of a millennials, working class background, career in higher education.

CurlyhairedAssassin Tue 14-Nov-17 19:12:12

Urgh, that’s a really horrible attitude they have there. I would be shocked if my parents had done that to me in those circumstances. I would never ask for rent of my own children in those circumstances either.

It’s just for a few weeks? presumably their mortgage is paid off? beyond mean to expect more than contribution towards food costs when it’s just for a couple of weeks. It’s so unsupportive of them when you’re trying to better yourself and work so hard towards difficult exams. If they haven’t done it themselves they won’t realise what hard work and stress it involves probably.

But then if you put yourself through uni with no contribution from them (were they supposed to make a contribution and didn’t?!) you must know what they’re like?

Ttbb Tue 14-Nov-17 19:14:28

You're parents sound s but rubbish tbf. It's almost as if they don't want you to succeed so that they can criticise you when you fail.

CurlyhairedAssassin Tue 14-Nov-17 19:15:05

And what the fuck is this? Your partner is “rarely allowed round”?

They sound horrible and controlling.

I would DEFINITELY NOT be paying rent if my partner was not allowed round when I wanted.

CurlyhairedAssassin Tue 14-Nov-17 19:16:41

“Just judged if I wasn’t great”

What do you mean? Judged as in lectured you if you didn’t achieve to their standards?

oldlaundbooth Tue 14-Nov-17 19:18:25

I'd be moving out pronto. They sound controlling.

CurlyhairedAssassin Tue 14-Nov-17 19:21:18

If you put yourself through uni won’t you have a massive student loan to pay off? I would not be paying for spa days for your mother if she was demanding rent off you - if she insists you pay then she can use the money to pay for herself!! And you’ve just bought a house with all the cost that entails, plus the student loan repayments presumably? she wants you to pay her rent AND pay your new mortgage?!

Astounded at their lack of......generosity and just, well, parental love, really.

MairzyDoats Tue 14-Nov-17 19:21:47

I don't get why it would be so hard to move out and study in the new place? Is it a pit, does it need a lot of work? From experience you can get moved in and create a little corner to study in a couple of days, it doesn't need to be massive upheaval... I'm surprised you're not itching to get in there! Plus it may even help, you'll have a supportive partner which from the sounds of it is more than you've currently got in your parents... Do thry even understand why you want to stay a few more weeks? Maybe they're confused too.

CurlyhairedAssassin Tue 14-Nov-17 19:23:19

Oh, and I would be pulling out of the house move and be buying somewhere a LOT further away from your parents, unless you are SURE that they are just being a bit short-sighted rather than mean and controlling.

BenLui Tue 14-Nov-17 19:30:46

Pay the rent asked quietly and heave a sigh of reflief when you move out.

Sometimes you just “grow out of” living with your parents overnight. I know I did!

Keep the peace for the last few weeks and then live your life your own way when you have the space.

sunshineinabag Tue 14-Nov-17 19:35:40

I're a 23 year old homeowner. Act like one.

LittleKiwi Tue 14-Nov-17 19:41:20

This is one of the great dividers, tbh. Attitudes differ wildly from “I would never charge my children rent” to “you’re a graspy ingrate if you don’t pay your parents rent when living in their house post 16”. The conclusion I have drawn from these sorts of questions and the responses on here is that the question is very personal to each family.

I’d pay them rent - in your shoes I did. Tho’ I still feel that it was unnecessarily tight of them, that they took advantage of my situation at the time and I’m definitely in the “my children will always have a free home with me” camp!

NameChanger22 Tue 14-Nov-17 19:41:33

I think you've done really well, you should be very proud of yourself. Don't let them drag you down. Move out as fast as you can and don't look back. Pay the rent and then don't treat them to anything in the future, you owe them nothing.

NameChanger22 Tue 14-Nov-17 19:43:58

I would never charge my child rent, unless I badly needed it and she had lots of money. I'd prefer she saved her money for her future.

sunshineinabag Tue 14-Nov-17 19:45:39


I guess their attitude is they HAVE been helping her save for her future. And she has. She now owns a home. So go and live in it. Thats probably how they see it

Captainj1 Tue 14-Nov-17 19:50:29

This is why I never went back after uni. Similar background and situation to you, I had a job all through uni and paid my own way, after that joined a big firm and did ACA exams but chose to live alone in a studio flat with no central heating or shower because that was all I could afford. I didn’t want to go back to living within their rules when I’d worked so hard to become independent and never taken handouts. I stayed up North though which made things a bit more affordable.

PaperdollCartoon Tue 14-Nov-17 19:52:02

CurlyHairedAssasin student loan payments are a tiny percentage of salary, I hardly worry about mine. There’s really no reason to rush to pay it off, it’s not like other debt.

Queenofthedrivensnow Tue 14-Nov-17 19:54:50

I’m guessing you need the peace until your exams are done. Approach them and ask what they think is a fair amount and pay it. You are so close to finishing now don’t put that at risk

CurlyhairedAssassin Tue 14-Nov-17 20:13:30

Sunshine: “I're a 23 year old homeowner. Act like one.”

She is. Presumably she’s paying the mortgage on it. And her parents must know this yet want to charge her rent in their (non-mortgaged?) house too? During a stressful exam period? For the sake of a few weeks?!

Can you not see that this is mean-spirited? Would you charge a relative rent if they came to stay with you for 3 weeks while they were going through a stressful time? And you had already paid off the mortgage? Shame on you if you would. Accepting a payment to cover costs such as food is one thing. Charging rent on a room that is already paid for while you know that relative is ALREADY forking out for housing elsewhere is just plain old MEAN and money-grabbing

And believe me, I am not one of those parents who say “they’l always have a home here”. And being indulgent of adult children earning a good salary and spending it on holidays etc. My kids can live rent-free here while they are studying/taking exams but i’ll Never be one of those parents on here who will never charge their adult kids rent. Not unless they are saving for a deposit on their own house, which OP has obviously done, and is willing and ready to move out as soon as her exams are over.

OP: I am old enough to be your mum and feel for you. You do have a right to feel hard done by. You have done the “right thing” by your parents all these years and now you’re askind for a favour for a couple of weeks whilst you’re working towards something important and you feel let down. I understand. flowers

Astrologica Tue 14-Nov-17 20:29:38

It’s an arrangement that doesn’t work anymore for them it seems, and they want rent now. Just pay them rent, they have provided a great deal of support that many other families would not be able to. Still do nice things for them, you should take care of your family and treat them, they have been supportive to you up until now.

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