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When to go?

(16 Posts)
SharkiraSharkira Tue 14-Nov-17 17:56:30

I have come to the sad realisation that dp and I are almost certainly not going to last for a variety of reasons.

My dilemma now is mainly practical - once I've told him I want out of the relationship I want to be able to move out asap as we have tried living together while broken up and it just doesn't work, we end up getting back together and repeating the process. I want to be able to move on and get over him and I can't do that while we are living under the same room. Not least because he will just expect me to keep acting how I did before and doing things for him, and I will probably do it just out of habit!

My friend has kindly offered me a place to stay when the time comes but she is waiting for her adult son to move out, then I can have his room. Potentially could be weeks or months.

I don't have the money to move anywhere on my own at the moment.

So do I wait to tell him until such time as I have somewhere else to go and just live a lie in the meantime, knowing what am I planning? Or do I tell him now and deal with the fall out? There is always the chance he could want me gone once I tell him although I doubt he will be that cruel. But lying by omission for weeks seems like an awful thing to do. Really confused and sad sad

AcrossthePond55 Tue 14-Nov-17 19:03:10

Do you have any inkling whether or not he feels the same? And without prying, does your feeling have anything to do with any aspect of his behaviour?

I ask because if he is abusive, nasty when angry, or drinks or takes drugs then you're far better off remaining silent until you're ready to leave. You may consider that 'lying by omission', I'd call it self preservation.

But if it's just a case of you say 'tomayto' and I say 'tomahto' and you are sure he would be understanding then you may want to broach the subject with him. Although it sounds as though he would expect the 'status quo' to continue in the meantime. I don't think that's healthy for either of you.

The only caveat is that you are basing all of this on a friend's son moving out. In today's world, this may or may not happen. I think you need to explore other options. Room let or flat share perhaps?

ivykaty44 Tue 14-Nov-17 19:07:11

Wait until you know you are leaving

I would imagine that if you say you are leaving but it may be sometime in the future will give your oh some “hope” when you don’t go

Best to warn him with a few days to go and then have a clean break without contact for 30 days

SharkiraSharkira Tue 14-Nov-17 19:40:05

It is partially based on his behaviour, yes. He doesn't drink or take drugs, in fact the opposite! He just works all the time and we never go anywhere or do anything together. Because I don't work as many hours as he does he considers me lazy even though I do 100% of the household chores and work. He expects me to do everything and would continue to do so if I was still living here and we were broken up, hence why I want to leave as soon as it is over.

I don't really want us to break up because I do really love him but I just know in my heart things will never change. He will never treat me how I want to be treated or be the person I want him to be, so we are better off apart.

I will be looking to get a room in a shared house eventually but I just can't afford it right now, obviously at the moment I am sharing costs with dp so when I move those costs will be at least doubled if not more. I don't have anyone else I can stay with as all my family live miles and miles away.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 15-Nov-17 00:45:26

Is there a reason why you wouldn't consider moving to where your family is?

If you really want a 'clean break' with no chances of getting back together with him, then I'd think a great distance would be a good thing.

Obvs your current job vs jobs available 'back home', children (you didn't mention any), and the life and friends you have where you are are all considerations.

SharkiraSharkira Wed 15-Nov-17 10:34:11

We don't have any children.

I do want to move back to where my family lives but it is in the SE and the rent there even on a room in a shared house is astronomical and at least 3x what I'm paying here. It won't be possible for a while as I will need to save.

SillyBillyMe17 Wed 15-Nov-17 11:30:12

Hi @Sharkira. Your situation sounds very similar to mine - I am moving out on 1st December, I've been lucky enough (!) to have a year or so to save, plus help from my mum, to get a little flat. I haven't told DP and won't do until I've picked up the keys and can just leave.

You aren't doing wrong by not telling him your intentions now - you need to look out for yourself and get things straight, then making the break will be easier (so I'm told!)..

Good luck x

AcrossthePond55 Wed 15-Nov-17 18:04:54

In that case since you can't move in with family, I'd say remain quiet and move forward with putting aside as much money as you possibly can.

Any chance of changing to a job with better pay and/or more hours to enable you to save up faster?

SharkiraSharkira Wed 15-Nov-17 21:13:43

Pond I am due to have an increase in hours in the new year so that should help a lot it's just dealing with things until then..

I've never been good at hiding my feelings. I'm a cryer. I can't just pretend everything is ok because I feel like a fraud and it will show one way or another.

I know it needs to happen eventually but I am a gutless coward and I don't know how to say to him that we aren't right for each other. He loves me very much in his own way but I just can't live my life to please him anymore, I have things I need too and he won't give them to me. Not monetary things - I need to feel secure and loved, like my SO cares for my feelings and well being as they do their own. I want to get married, he doesn't, he is very anti social and introverted and I am the total opposite. We are just too different.

But how do I tell him? How do I tell him that his love isn't enough and that I want the opportunity to find someone else who will share my interests and goals without sounding horrible? And how on earth do I cope being alone - I haven't really done it for 12 years! I've always had someone there and without him I have no one.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 15-Nov-17 22:18:27

There's nothing 'horrible' about what you want. And I understand about fearing that you will not be able to keep up the facade.

In that case, all you can do is sit him down and tell him the truth, using the kindest words possible, yet not provide 'wiggle room' for him to try to change your mind. Use 'I', not 'you' phrases. "I am not happy" vs "You don't make me happy", iyswim.

The problem is, that you cannot guarantee 100% what his reaction will be. No one can. If he is convinced that you really mean it, he may very well ask you to leave. TBH, if I were him I would. Think about it from his point of view. He will have been told "I no longer love you and don't want to be with you. But I expect to be able to continue living here, in essence as 'roomies', until I'm able to leave, possibly months". You'd be asking him to put his life (and 'recovery') on hold until a friend of yours has a place for you to go.

I'm not trying to sound mean or snarky, but if someone let me know in no uncertain terms (even kindly) that they did not want to be with me anymore, why would I continue to let them live with me, knowing that it would be painful to see them and to try to 'carry on' with normal day to day life.

I think you should think carefully as to which is 'kinder'. To tell the truth and expect him to allow you to stay there indefinitely where he has to see you every day OR to keep quiet and stuff it all down and keep the status quo until you are able to tell him and go right away. And remember that it is within all of us to act in a way that is kind to someone we once cared for. So you can hide your feelings and pretend, if it is what is kindest to him. But if you do decide that you cannot do that, then do be prepared to be told to leave.

As far as coping with being alone, that was never a problem for me when I was single. I've always been perfectly happy with my own company.

SharkiraSharkira Wed 15-Nov-17 22:50:22

That's the trouble Pond, in his position I would ask me to leave. Otherwise nothing changes and neither of you can move on. The only reason I think he might not is because he knows that I have nowhere else to go but at the end of the day he might choose self preservation over my needs, which is fair enough if I have ended the relationship. It's just so hard.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 15-Nov-17 23:29:45

It sure is. You're between a rock and a hard place.

It sounds as if you are meeting his needs but that he's not meeting yours. This might be coming straight from left field, but do you think that couples counseling might help save the relationship? You don't owe it to anyone to try and there's nothing wrong with knowing that it's too late for it. But since you're apparently stuck for awhile, do you think there's any point in trying to get him to change if you think there may be 'something' left of your feelings for him?

GottadoitGottadoit Wed 15-Nov-17 23:32:29

Because I don't work as many hours as he does he considers me lazy even though I do 100% of the household chores and work. He expects me to do everything and would continue to do so if I was still living here and we were broken up

What a twat.

SharkiraSharkira Wed 15-Nov-17 23:38:11

I have tried and tried and tried. I don't think he would agree to couples counselling if I suggested it but at this point I don't think it would make much difference. I have told him some of the problems but he just won't change. Or doesn't care/see my point of view. Its just exhausting trying to keep him happy because it feels like nothing I ever do is good enough, he is so critical of me all the time.

I do love him still but we have broken up and gotten back together more times than we should have and it's just not healthy to repeat that cycle over and over. My mental health can't take it.

GottadoitGottadoit Wed 15-Nov-17 23:43:09

we have broken up and gotten back together more times than we should have and it's just not healthy

Christ, just beg borrow or steal to get out of there!

AcrossthePond55 Thu 16-Nov-17 13:21:22

Then I suggest that you go to counseling. If nothing else, you need somewhere safe to blow off steam and plan your exit.

It really sounds to me as if this man doesn't have a heck of a lot of, I can't think of the words, maybe 'ability to share' or 'empathy'? Maybe he's just selfish, but it sounds as if you have been expected to build your life around him. And if you truly never do anything to his 'standards' then he sounds like a bully or an abuser.

You really do need to get away. I know you've said it's much more expensive where your family is, but is there anyone there who could put you up for a few months whilst you get on your feet? Is there somewhere nearer them that's cheaper? I'm not in the UK so don't know, but are there any benefits or housing assistance you're eligible for?

My family also lives in a more expensive area than we do. But I know that there is at least one family member who would allow us to stay gratis, at least for a few months. Is there anyone for whom you could swap a room for housecleaning or such? I just hate the thought of you being so beaten down (figuratively) that your MH suffers.

In the meantime, stop trying to meet his standards. You can't win. You'll never win. So try to 'relax' into who you want to be. You don't love him or want to stay with him, ergo, his opinion should mean nothing to you. If you do something not to his standards, fuck him, just the same as if a stranger should walk up to you and say they didn't like the colour of your shoes. Who cares? And don't rise to arguments. Ignore and carry on.

If you can't get away (now) and you can't change him, all you can do is change your reactions to him.

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