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Relationships

Boyfriend does not want to get married

113 replies

Lolosoap2 · 14/11/2017 15:43

Hi all,

This is my first time sharing on mumsnet, so please be kind if I am not using the tool properly

My boyfriend and I are both in our early 20s, we have been together for 3.5 years and we have met at the University. I must say I don't think I am particularly happy about my relationship and here is why:
Firstly, I need to tell you more about him in order for you to understand the character: he comes from a very wealthy family and grew up as a single child in Switzerland (to give you an example, he grew up having his own 40m2 playroom in his house in Switzerland facing the lake). I, on the other hand, comes from a family of entrepreneurs with very modest origins, no study background ( I am the first person in my family to attend University) but who worked really really hard and finally made it and now they have a very comfortable life.
We currently live in the same flat in Central London, we have both been to top universities in the UK and earn about the same. His working hours are 9 to 7pm, but mine, are much more like 9 to midnight/ 2am ( I work for a financial institution and I knew what I was signing up for, so no worries on that end). Ever since we moved in together, I must say I have been feeling slightly like a 14 years old constantly receiving orders from her parents.
I do not commit to the cleaning/ organising of the house as much as I should, due to my long working hours and I know that pretty well. However I do pay a cleaning lady to come 2 times a week for 2 hours to take care of what I am not able to do (she does my laundry, and clean up the bathroom, change the sheets, clean up the kitchen, tidy the flat). But still, every morning, he screams (Yes he screams a lot) at me and dresses lists of what I have not been doing around the house ( I did not take care of the bills, nor participated in the latest IKEA order choices, or did not put the bean downstairs). I must say that I feel like the heavy lifting of the house, is done by the cleaning lady that i pay alone 2 times a week. Even if I explain him, look it is 8 am, I left work at 3 am and slept 4 hours, can we discuss this later, he continues on and on, follows me in the flat screaming, gets more angry if I am not responding and always complain about feeling like a home husband. Then when he calms down, we have to sit and he dresses long lists of what I need to improve with my personality, name all my flaws and ask me if I have a plan to change these flaws (the flaws are my lack of organisation, my selfishness, my non-structure in taking care of the flat, my lack of responsiveness when criticism are being made). I then need to explain the plan and then we can move on. He also picks up on every thing I do not do in a preferred manner. So he does not like the way I yawn (apparently I make a noise that he dislikes (and I yawn a lot because I am quite often tired when I am working late) and make constant comments and sometimes scream for this reason. I refrain from yawning or hide to yawn in order not to end up in the vicious circle, of screaming, insulting, explaining plan and apologising again and again. On top of that I am screamed at and he implies on a daily basis that I am very stupid ( every day almost, I would hear something like, "You are brain dead", "You are an idiot", "No wonder you lost your first job" ( My first job ever when I was 21, company decided they did not need so many new hires and fired half of the new hires,you can imagine it was a traumatic experience))
I must say, I feel like he is not supporting of my work (he knows it is temporary, only for a year or two, and it will allow me to start an amazing career afterwards with more normal hours). He does not understand that I don't come from a wealthy family and I have decided to work very hard to make a comfortable life for myself. I feel like my entire life is about making him comfortable and making sure his needs are met. I work very hard, and when I am home I need to make all the efforts in the world to make sure everything is set according to his will (not yawning, spend my week ends taking care of the house while he is in the pub or partying to avoid being screamed at etc). I don't know why I love this person, I think I have developed some sort of dependence. What really worried me is the following: He does not want to get married and wants to live in Switzerland. I know that if I stay with him, regardless of whether I would like to get married and live in France (my home country) I would have no choice. It is just about realising that I have no say in how we conduct our lives, I can only receive orders and follow these orders. Otherwise get screamed at. I feel like he is very verbally violent with me (screaming, insulting) and uses this to intimidate me.
Also, he is the kind of guy that behaves like a real sweetheart to his friends, and everyone loves him. If I left him I would completely lose my social network, I would have nowhere to live, and I still love him. I even think, maybe if I just do everything he is asking for I can avoid getting into troubles and live a quiet life. But it kills me to have no say in anything

Have you been through similar situations or with men with similar behaviours? What did you do? Am I being unreasonable and should I simply accept the fact that my job and professional ambitions are the problem? Is it ok to expect more support from him (having him do most of the stuff around the house because I work so much)?

Completely lost to be honest with you

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DancesWithOtters · 14/11/2017 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HebeJeeby · 14/11/2017 15:51

Have my first LTB. It sounds awful and I don’T know why you stay with him either. For goodness sake do not marry him, it won’t improve.