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Boyfriend does not want to get married(114 Posts)
This is my first time sharing on mumsnet, so please be kind if I am not using the tool properly
My boyfriend and I are both in our early 20s, we have been together for 3.5 years and we have met at the University. I must say I don't think I am particularly happy about my relationship and here is why:
Firstly, I need to tell you more about him in order for you to understand the character: he comes from a very wealthy family and grew up as a single child in Switzerland (to give you an example, he grew up having his own 40m2 playroom in his house in Switzerland facing the lake). I, on the other hand, comes from a family of entrepreneurs with very modest origins, no study background ( I am the first person in my family to attend University) but who worked really really hard and finally made it and now they have a very comfortable life.
We currently live in the same flat in Central London, we have both been to top universities in the UK and earn about the same. His working hours are 9 to 7pm, but mine, are much more like 9 to midnight/ 2am ( I work for a financial institution and I knew what I was signing up for, so no worries on that end). Ever since we moved in together, I must say I have been feeling slightly like a 14 years old constantly receiving orders from her parents.
I do not commit to the cleaning/ organising of the house as much as I should, due to my long working hours and I know that pretty well. However I do pay a cleaning lady to come 2 times a week for 2 hours to take care of what I am not able to do (she does my laundry, and clean up the bathroom, change the sheets, clean up the kitchen, tidy the flat). But still, every morning, he screams (Yes he screams a lot) at me and dresses lists of what I have not been doing around the house ( I did not take care of the bills, nor participated in the latest IKEA order choices, or did not put the bean downstairs). I must say that I feel like the heavy lifting of the house, is done by the cleaning lady that i pay alone 2 times a week. Even if I explain him, look it is 8 am, I left work at 3 am and slept 4 hours, can we discuss this later, he continues on and on, follows me in the flat screaming, gets more angry if I am not responding and always complain about feeling like a home husband. Then when he calms down, we have to sit and he dresses long lists of what I need to improve with my personality, name all my flaws and ask me if I have a plan to change these flaws (the flaws are my lack of organisation, my selfishness, my non-structure in taking care of the flat, my lack of responsiveness when criticism are being made). I then need to explain the plan and then we can move on. He also picks up on every thing I do not do in a preferred manner. So he does not like the way I yawn (apparently I make a noise that he dislikes (and I yawn a lot because I am quite often tired when I am working late) and make constant comments and sometimes scream for this reason. I refrain from yawning or hide to yawn in order not to end up in the vicious circle, of screaming, insulting, explaining plan and apologising again and again. On top of that I am screamed at and he implies on a daily basis that I am very stupid ( every day almost, I would hear something like, "You are brain dead", "You are an idiot", "No wonder you lost your first job" ( My first job ever when I was 21, company decided they did not need so many new hires and fired half of the new hires,you can imagine it was a traumatic experience))
I must say, I feel like he is not supporting of my work (he knows it is temporary, only for a year or two, and it will allow me to start an amazing career afterwards with more normal hours). He does not understand that I don't come from a wealthy family and I have decided to work very hard to make a comfortable life for myself. I feel like my entire life is about making him comfortable and making sure his needs are met. I work very hard, and when I am home I need to make all the efforts in the world to make sure everything is set according to his will (not yawning, spend my week ends taking care of the house while he is in the pub or partying to avoid being screamed at etc). I don't know why I love this person, I think I have developed some sort of dependence. What really worried me is the following: He does not want to get married and wants to live in Switzerland. I know that if I stay with him, regardless of whether I would like to get married and live in France (my home country) I would have no choice. It is just about realising that I have no say in how we conduct our lives, I can only receive orders and follow these orders. Otherwise get screamed at. I feel like he is very verbally violent with me (screaming, insulting) and uses this to intimidate me.
Also, he is the kind of guy that behaves like a real sweetheart to his friends, and everyone loves him. If I left him I would completely lose my social network, I would have nowhere to live, and I still love him. I even think, maybe if I just do everything he is asking for I can avoid getting into troubles and live a quiet life. But it kills me to have no say in anything
Have you been through similar situations or with men with similar behaviours? What did you do? Am I being unreasonable and should I simply accept the fact that my job and professional ambitions are the problem? Is it ok to expect more support from him (having him do most of the stuff around the house because I work so much)?
Completely lost to be honest with you
You want to get married and live in France.
He doesn't want to get married and wants to live in Switzerland.
It sounds like you don't see each other that much and when you are together you do not get along.
I think you should part ways now while you can.
Have my first LTB. It sounds awful and I don’T know why you stay with him either. For goodness sake do not marry him, it won’t improve.
You do realise he is abusive if he shouts at you and calls you names. Don't marry him he will only get worse from what I've read on here. Keep all your hard earned money to yourself why share it with an abuser.
He's doing you a favour. I certainly wouldn't want to marry him. Why on earth would anyone who is thinking straight want to marry a man who is constantly haranguing them?
Your job and professional ambitions are not the problem. He is the problem.
I don't normally go straight to LTB but in this case there are so many red flags you really need to. He will destroy your confidence and likely destroy your career and for what? You haven't said anything you like about him.
In your situation, you will be able to develop a social circle through your work and other contacts much more easily now than if you stay with him for another few years. You can find a flat share with other young professionals really easily which will also help you make new friends, if you need to.
I strongly suspect this man will eventually get married but to someone who will fit into his expectations of a wife both in her social background and how she will look after him as a wife. Certainly not to an independent woman who works longer hours than him or considers her job equal to or more important than his. And I'm sorry to say this, he may be a snob who considers himself above you socially.
Run, don't walk, from this guy.
It sounds like you're dating a massive dickhead.
There's very little evidence in what you describe of him having any respect for you whatsoever.
I think I'd leave him now, personally. It'll be tough, but from the sound of it you're pretty tough yourself. Don't let him grind that out of you.
He sounds spoilt ,you sound wonderful .You can do better.
Fucking leave!! Run away very fast and never look back!! Why are you even with him?? He's a massive cock. Get rid.
Why exactly would you want to marry him? He sounds fucking horrible. I'm the 'same' as your 'D'P in that my DP works similar (and longer) hours to you, and I'm at home alone a lot BUT I wouldn't ever dream of treating him the way your partner treats you. Cut your losses, this is not your fault and you don't deserve this.
Abusive people like he can be very plausible to those in the outside world but you are seeing his true colours here.
Re your comment:-
I even think, maybe if I just do everything he is asking for I can avoid getting into troubles and live a quiet life.
No that wont work either; such men keep on moving the goalposts, also you do not want to sell yourself this short.
And you are together at all because....
I would read up on codependency in relationships and see how much of this resonates with you. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.
What do you get out of this relationship now; what is in this for you?. He is emotionally abusive towards you and it is for that reason you need to separate. No-one should tolerate being screamed at like this.
No obstacle to leaving is insurmountable; you would find somewhere else to live and make new friends.
Men like you describe can really mess with a person's head; it is in this respect that I suggest you contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 for their support too and enrol on their Freedom Programme.
Thank you all for your messages and your advice
It is just that it would be so much more simpler if he could just chill out and stop criticising me all the time and putting so much efforts at showing me what i should be doing and picking up on my flaws. I wish I could just explain that to him. Also we are still so young, has any one of you seen someone change? I guess I am still hoping some things could change in the future if he gets more mature etc. Would really like to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation, maybe I could make some efforts as well. Do you know how should I talk to him about all of this, and what kind of reaction could give me hopes. I just want to try one last time before giving it up
And its not you, its him. Your job and professional ambitions are not the problem here.
By staying with him and trying to work it out you are accepting his behaviour and he will never change.
He sounds awful, give up and concentrate on yourself
He is not a nice man and would not be a good husband to you, or a good father to children. Please, don't stay with him. There are much better men out there!
He won't change. This is who and what he is. An abusive selfish angry man who is horrible to you. Who thinks he is better than you and always will. He will never compromise.
Yes, it might make it simpler but he's never going to chill out and treat you with respect. This is who he is and he's not nice. He doesn't respect you. You are the little woman there only to stroke his massive ego and cheerfully serve his every whim. You could drive yourself into the ground and completely lose yourself trying to get it all right but he will never be satisfied and will still yell at you. You will never be a happily married couple.
You are young. Don't waste your life with this bully.
No, he will not change. That's why posters are advising you to split up now, things will not get better.
You get a LTB from me and I only got halfway through your first post.
Leave this man, he saying awful and quite frankly abusive. You sound more than capable of making a great life for yourself, you do not need him at all.
Be glad he doesn't want to marry. I have not read a single good reason why you should want to marry him and plenty of reasons to leave and start over. You said you are young, so you have plenty of time to establish your career and meet someone who will respect you.
I'd not share a coffee with this person let alone live with and marry them! You can do much, much better for yourself! Life is far too short to be stepping on egg shells, even if he is from a wealthy background. I'd rather be with a man with no money than live like this. Walk away, don't look back and find someone who loves and appreciates you.
You lost me at screaming. I didn't read any more. I don't need to.... leave him. No man ...or woman...will scream at me and still be in my life. you should have the same high standards.
Oh for heaven’s sake leave him! He sounds dreadful, why on earth would you want to marry him? Trust me, he’s doing you a big favour by letting you know at this stage that a) your life goals do not match up and b) he’s a total fucking knob. Seriously, you can do so much better, you’re in your early 20s, you’d do well to get out now and start again ASAP.
And no, you can’t change him. He won’t change voluntarily because he doesn’t want to. And he will get worse over time.
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