My Husband lied - is it a big deal?

[nesting1]

My DH recently got made redundant and had a number of interviews lined up for this week, one of which was this morning.

He got up, dressed in his smart suit and left, called me on the way and once he had 'left the interview' to tell me how it had gone.

All great... however he had left his emails open on my laptop from printing out an email, and I have seen a message from him to the interviewer cancelling his interview this morning. So basically, he has lied to me about going to the interview yet has been out all morning.

We have since discussed the interview and he has obviously lied through his teeth about what they spoke about etc.

This is a big deal for us, he needs another job for us to be able to continue affording bills etc, so I don't know why he has lied, and also where he has been all morning?!

Am I being unreasonable to be upset? Don't know how to mention it to him! We were just about to try for a baby...

[GrabbyMcGrabby]

Tricky. There's a bit of male pride going on i should think. Or sticking his head in the sand. Or he doesn't want to worry you.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

Honestly I would let this one go. The reason he lied is because of all the reasons this interview is so important to you and that pressure is very apparent in your post. He's been made redundant and probably feels quite shit about himself anyway, add to that the feeling of letting your partner down, and add to that the ttc factor and you've got a shitty mix.
I hate lying but I can understand this one.

[DaisysStew]

Why did he lie? Do you think he's feeling anxious? I've got a job interview on Thursday and I'm bricking it. Being made redundant can really knock your confidence.

Don't drag it out, tell him you know he didn't go and find out what the issue is.

[DancingLedge]

Yes.
But possibly a much bigger deal is why he couldn't go through with the interview. And why he chose to lie about that. Sounds like he might be having a crisis of confidence.

[IdogMax]

Would he have had two interviews lined up and maybe cancelled one?, if not the only way to get to the bottom of it is to ask. How’s your relationship in general? Would it be out of character for him to lie to you?

[FluffyWhiteTowels]

Can't you be honest about seeing emails. Perhaps the one he cancelled was a secondary interview that confirmed after the one he was going to and that's why he cancelled ? He might be having a confidence issue but doesn't feel he can explain to you.

[AnonEvent]

My DH lied in exactly the same way about exactly the same thing early in our relationship. Though he had a job, he hated it, and was desperate to leave.

He told me he lied because he didn’t want the new job, but felt like he should be applying for any job, just to get him out of his current one. He said he was worried I’d be disappointed in him.

I was cross about the lie, but I also felt quite bad that he saw me as unapproachable, and then I was cross with him for making me feel bad, when actually I’m very relaxed about that type of thing (and it stank of “I was afraid to tell you about XYZ, but I knew how you’d react” which is only ever an excuse for acting like a twat).

Either way, he got a new job in the end, I stayed with him, I let it slide because I decided that it didn’t really matter - I remember it though, and on some level I remain aware that he has lied, convincingly, to me.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

Oh I've just seen it was him cancelling the interview and not the other way around. The biggest issue here is an apparent crisis of confidence as pp have said, I wouldn't think it's anything untoward at all. In that case, I would let him know you know, in a non accusatory way, and try to help him, get him to talk about t.

[SandyY2K]

I don't think I could ignore the lie tbh.

[nesting1]

You've all made me feel better thank you.

I think the main thing that shocked me is how convincingly he lied, if I hadn't seen the email I would have completely believed him, and that shocks/ upsets me a bit. It seems like such a petty thing to lie about that I just wonder why he did it!

Also, where has he been all morning.... he had no other interviews today He's out at the moment so just trying to figure out if to say anything when he comes home

[ChocoMunchi]

Think this is about having an open and honest relationship. The issue isn’t really about if he attended the interview or not, that’s his choice and should be respected if he really didn’t want the job on offer anyway.

He should be able to tell you this and not feel like he has to lie. That’s something he needs to deal with and to work through why he felt he had to lie in the first place.

If you don’t discuss this with him you’re missing an opportunity to talk about having and open and honest relationship whatever is going on for the other persons. Needs a sensitive approach so he doesn’t feel like it an accusation but more of a supportive discussion... “tell me what’s going on for you”

[nesting1]

IdogMax it's completely out of character for him to lie, I suppose that's why I'm so confused

[mintich]

Say something but don't start an argument. I think it'll be to do with confidence as I've been in that position myself

[nesting1]

ChocoMunchi Yes, I agree, I thought we were able to talk to each other about anything. If he didn't want this job thats fine (it's actually quite far from home) but to lie and literally talk me through 'what was said' in the interview knowing that he never went seems odd?

[sunshineinabag]

Ever seen the Full Monty? Remember the foreman dressing for work every day scenes?

Have a bit of empathy. You shouldnt have been reading his emails, and yeah, even if the "screen was already up".

How exactly is this confusing? How can you not understand that a man under pressure to pay bills and fast, having just been made redundant so possibly very underconfident right now, may have panicked and cancelled interview, may have lied to prevent his wife from stressing? Is it ideal no, is it understandable yes.

Tbh what with this kind of lack of creative empathy, the "nesting" username and the line at the end of your post saying you were about to try for a baby, you sound bad from my POV.

What work do you do?

[RhubarbKing]

My Brother quit his job and was ashamed so used to feed the duck in the park all day. He probably did that.
It's pure pride, please give him a pass....

[whiskyowl]

This reminds me of that bit in the Full Monty, where the guy is pretending to go out to work every day but is really unemployed.

You need to have a gentle heart to heart with your DH about his plans, priorities and anxieties. It's not OK for him to cancel an interview when you, as a family, desperately need money, though it may be understandable if he feels under huge stress and pressure.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

Thing is, male pride or not, you can’t just give him a pass. Because one of you needs to start bringing money in, and now you can’t trust that he’s really going to any interviews.

Plus your trust is now breached - again, perhaps for understandable reasons even if not good ones - and that has to be tackled too to stop it festering.

I guess I’m saying - you do have to raise this with him. It’s too important not to. You don’t have to be angry or confrontational, but you do need to get it out in the open.

[AnyFucker]

Don't have a baby with someone you cannot have an honest conversation with

[nesting1]

sunshineinabag Thank you, I'm completely happy to be put down a peg or two, that's why I posted, to get another side of opinions. The lack of empathy is because I am still shocked he felt the need to lie, but i do understand that maybe he felt it was the only way to get out of the situation.
I work full time, and am really trying to reduce any pressure on him for bills etc...

[SandyY2K]

The thing I would fear. . Is that if he can lie so easily about this ... what else could he have lied about while looking you straight in the face.

If the job wasn't his thing be could have said so.

These stupid lies just destroy a marriage/relationship and erode trust.

Without trust... you have nothing.

It has you questioning everything.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

In your place I would also be deeply hurt that he didn’t feel able to talk to me about it.

[IdogMax]

I’m trying to imagine what I would do in your shoes and I’m torn between playing along for a while or calling him straight out on the lie, if you believe that he has done it because he didn’t want to let you down, then I would tell him you saw the email, and talk it through. If you think something fishy is going on then I would wait and see. Can you copy/ forward the email without him being aware? Just in case he tries to convince you that you were mistaken.

[Crikeyalmighty]

I would say the following ' hey xxx, I accidentally saw the email cancellation of interview because you had left the page open. I'm not cross, just upset that you felt you couldn't tell me and pretended it went ahead. Do you want to chat about it, so I can understand you.

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

Crikey that's a terrible message! Simultaneously doing the disappointment of a parent but detached enough to possibly be talking to a colleague!

I'd be hurt and upset, although I would try hard to understand. I would have to ask him straight why he cancelled the interview. At least then we could work together to find a solution.