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Engagement Ring

(280 Posts)
KKOKK Tue 14-Nov-17 12:48:28

Been with my bf for just over 3 years, but knew him as friends for about 5 years before that when we dated on and off.

He asked me if I wanted to get married in the summer, and I said yes, and considered we had become engaged...he then termed it a pre-engagement, which I found a bit disappointing. Obviously I worried he didn’t actually want to get married etc...

We moved in together 4 months ago, just after the non proposal. Both sets of parents are a bit miffed that we have decided to live together without the “commitment” of a ring. Anytime we are with my family especially they make jokes about rings and weddings. My BF announced we would get married next year. Still no ring.

We have just put down our deposit on a house and the jokes about a ring have increased.

He got a bit angry about it all this week after a family dinner and said he had a plan to go and speak with my dad and ask my mum for my grans ring to propose with but now he doesn’t see why he should just to please my family and now he just wants to do his own thing.

I sort of imagined getting engaged (which I thought we’d already done) would be romantic, but now I feel like he will grudgenly go through the motions just to get people off our backs.

I would be really happy to wear my grans ring, but I now feel like that will just be another thing we get picked on about that he didn’t buy me something of my own.

Sorry that’s so long!! I just feel like I am stuck in the middle of my family who aren’t really massively happy with my choices, and a grumpy BF who feels irritable about having to propose

Shoxfordian Tue 14-Nov-17 13:48:36

It doesn't sound like he really wants to marry you. There's no such thing as a pre-engagement, you're either engaged or you're not.

Did you talk to him about why he doesn't think you're engaged?

magoria Tue 14-Nov-17 13:53:07

He has back tracked.

He asked you if you wanted to get married, you said yes. Ring or no ring you were then engaged.

I hope you have any contribution you have made to this deposit/new house legally recognised.

Don't hold your breath for a ring, engagement or wedding. I think he is dangling a carrot on a stick in front of you.

Pinkpillows Tue 14-Nov-17 13:53:08

He's stringing you along with this wedding malarkey

Tell him either propose properly with a ring and set a date for wedding or not bother declaring to others your engaged.

You'll get posters along soon stating a ring is not important I didn't have one etc but this is clearly a issue for YOU so tell him straight

Myheartbelongsto Tue 14-Nov-17 13:53:08

He doesn't want to marry you.

ElephantsandTigers Tue 14-Nov-17 13:53:57

Talk to him about what he actually wants without thinking about parents wishes. I would move out though. Note what he does , not what he says.

I asked dh if he wanted to get married and have kids at the end of our first date. Two and a half years later we happened to be looking at rings, he said to go in, weeks later he had ordered and collected it and within minutes of proposing we'd picked the date. If a man wants to marry you he gets on with it. It doesn't sound like this man does. Sorry. And do you want to be hitched to an adult who has tantrums? Cuts off his nose to spite his face? If he wanted to marry you why is he letting other people's actions stop him?

Justbookedasummmerholiday Tue 14-Nov-17 13:56:19

So he wants sex without commitment?

BenLui Tue 14-Nov-17 13:59:10

Ignore your family, their views are irrelevant and unhelpful.

The engagement ring seems to be causing unnecessary strife. It’s nice but it’s just a ring.

The key thing is the marriage.

Does he actually want to get married?
When are you going to start planning it?

You need and answer to question one and a definite timescale for question two.

mindutopia Tue 14-Nov-17 14:06:54

I think it's really normal (and healthy) to discuss engagement and make a plan before you do it. I know very few people anymore who have it sprung on them out of the blue. It's not the 50s anymore. Most couples do have lots of conversations about their intentions well before a proposal and most women I know were very involved in picking a ring, etc. I think maybe it sounds like that's what he was tried to do, but maybe you misunderstood and made a big deal out of it before he actually had a chance to do it, and now it's made it all awkward, especially because you've talked about it with your parents and made it seem like he sort of proposed, but then didn't really, and didn't actually give him the time and space to sort it out first.

I know certainly with my dh and I, we had long discussed marriage before he actually proposed. We bought the stone for my ring together (we got it while traveling in a place that has sentimental value to us, by that I mean he paid for it, but I was there, chose the one I liked, etc.). Then we went and looked at the wedding venue we wanted and started to make preliminary plans for the wedding. It was a long distance relationship (different countries) and wedding planning was long distance as well so we had to be really strategic about it. We had a ring made together and knew we'd be getting married the next summer (not yet booked), but I didn't consider us engaged.

I think give him the time and space to do it how he wants to do it and make it special for you. And tell your family to back off. There's nothing wrong with living together before an engagement and it needs to happen when they time is right for both of you.

MatildaTheCat Tue 14-Nov-17 14:31:11

I think he must feel resentful that he is being pushed by your family into doing something he intended to do anyway, in his own time.

Talk to him properly. Him announcing that you will get married next year isn’t how it should be, you should be making plans together as a couple. Ask your family to back right off and leave you both to it. He sounds as if he’s fully capable of asking you formally to marry him.

Is that how you want it, though? Can’t you discuss this properly and plan the way forward. You’ve discussed marriage and had a ‘pre engagement ‘ so surely you are stable enough to discuss and manage the next Steps?

SandyY2K Tue 14-Nov-17 14:42:06

Sounds like he said marriage to make you commit you to moving in with him.

Is he You tight to buy a ring? Usually the old ring comes from the man's side of the family.

I'd be pissed off he can't even buy a ring personally.

He's backtracked and is stringing you along. He doesnt want you to call him your 'fiance' and vice versa .. hence he clearly decided to call it a pre-engagement. That's nonsense.

If you break up now...in his mind it's not breaking an engagement... it's just a break up.

The reality is you don't need a ring to actually be engaged.

If he's serious you could start the wedding plans now ... but it doesvr sound like he wants that right now.

Rainatnight Tue 14-Nov-17 14:45:07

Hmm, this happened to me once and my advice is to run. I think some guys like reeling you in a bit more with a vague promise of marriage, but if it doesn't translate into something concrete, then you're left angry and resentful as you are.

Having said that, you have a responsibility to get your family to back off. You're two grown ups who need to handle this on your own. Very inappropriate of your family to be getting involved in your living arrangements and life choices in this way.

KnittyNattyNoo Tue 14-Nov-17 15:21:27

Er, lady, he is stringing you along. If he liked it he would have put a ring on it

TheNaze73 Tue 14-Nov-17 15:29:35

He’s not interested at this stage.

bear28 Tue 14-Nov-17 15:45:29

I have been i this position with my fiancé strangely enough. for 2 years everyone, friends/family were making jokes at him, when are you going to get married? why haven't you done it yet? get on the band wagon! people kept bringing it up and talking about it all the time. It can be very pressurising and make you feel quite shitty if your friends and family are on at your all the time. he needs time to breathe do it the way he is comfortable with you. with people going on about it, it really builds it up. I stopped talking about it and so did our friends and BOOM he asked. fingers crossed for you. If you feel he is stringing him along, ask him straight up and say exactly what you are thinking, life isn't worth holding back emotions like that, and sometimes if you don't ask, you won't really know.

WipsGlitter Tue 14-Nov-17 15:57:19

Tell your family to butt out. “Jokes” epileptic piss me off as well.

Have you talked dates or venues yet? See how he reacts to that.

Also asking for your nana ring is really off - what if your Mum doesn’t want to do that.

So he wants sex without commitment. Crikey. That’s all a bit 1950s!!

WhooooAmI24601 Tue 14-Nov-17 16:20:46

ask my mum for my grans ring to propose with

Had your Gran or your Mum specifically stated at any point in the past that this was their intention? If not he's the cheekiest of cheeky fuckers for assuming he doesn't have to provide you with a ring of your own.

OP I know it's only a snapshot of a person who is so much more than you've posted here, but this doesn't sound much like the type of person you'd choose to spend your whole life with. It sounds like a person far too used to getting his own way and never being questioned. I'd worry about those two factors, tbh.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Tue 14-Nov-17 16:57:47

*Justbookedasummmerholiday

So he wants sex without commitment?*

What? So because he has sex with her it's a requirement too give her a ring?
Some people are quite happy being in a relationship without the commitment of marriage.

expatinscotland Tue 14-Nov-17 17:06:09

He doesn't want to marry you. He'll always have an excuse. Pull out of the house sale NOW before you make a very expensive mistake.

KKOKK Tue 14-Nov-17 17:54:56

We had talked before in general terms about the future as in when we’re married this, or what if the kids did that, which I think is normal in a relationship. I hadn’t brought up the getting married thing, although I do feel ready for that stage and think it’s a natural progression.

If he hadn’t asked me to marry him in the summer I wouldn’t have had any particular expectations if you know what I mean.

The ring thing, he doesn’t have a lot of money, and originally said he wanted to buy a ring, which is fine, that’s what he wants to do. I don’t actually wear any jewlary so a ring isn’t a big issue for me, I’d be just as happy without.

My mum already gave me my grandmothers ring when she died, it’s not flashy or expensive or anything, but obviously means a lot to me. I don’t think my mum would object in principle to it being my engagement ring but she would think him not spending some money to buy me one was another sign that he wasn’t committed or financially stable.

I have a good job and earn the majority of the money, but my parents are quite traditional and expect a husband to look after the family if necessary. I know that’s a bit odd fashioned and twee and the reality is I am an independent woman, but part of me wishes my Bf would make an effort to win them over so I would have an easier life.

I don’t think he doesn’t want to get married, he does talk about it a lot, but he also doesn’t make any plans. He expects that things just happen, but I know that about him, and I accept that aspect.

He says now it’s the fact he had plans and now because so many people interfere and offer opinions, both my family and his, that he feels resentful, but I don’t want him to do the whole proposal thing just to get everyone off our backs.

ClaryFray Tue 14-Nov-17 17:55:09

If it's an issue for you, then it matters.
Tell him straight before you get to financially tied with this man.

expatinscotland Tue 14-Nov-17 18:00:18

'I don’t think he doesn’t want to get married, he does talk about it a lot, but he also doesn’t make any plans. He expects that things just happen, but I know that about him, and I accept that aspect.'

That's the way he doesn't want to get married. Actions speak louder than words. More than that, your last post shows he expects you to carry the mental load. He's an adult, what kind of adult 'expects that things just happen'.

KKOKK Tue 14-Nov-17 18:05:51

I do feel like I’m responsible for a lot of the big stuff. I manage the finances and I’ve been the one sorting out the house and mortgage, I’m a planner and he’s a sort of oh well it’ll all be fine kind of person, which is generally fine, because whilst I worry all the time he sort of try’s to encourage some perspective, but the non proposal has sort of made me feel quite stupid, and I don’t know why he mentioned anything if he didn’t intend to follow through with it.

I’m making him sound terrible, and he isn’t, I just don’t know how worried I should be that I feel disappointed in how he’s going about this. It’s definitely taking the shine of what should be a really happy time.

anewjourney Tue 14-Nov-17 18:05:52

Your family sounds really annoying. Those “Jokes” would really wind me up after a while if I was your boyfriend.

KKOKK Tue 14-Nov-17 18:08:43

Does it sound mercenary and grabby if I just say to him I’d like it if he spoke to my dad (even though I don’t actually agree with this sort of daughters being their fathers possessions thing, but I know my dad would appreciate it) and we just went and bought a ring. I think if we’re going to get married and buy a house this should be an easy sort of thing to ask about. I just feel a bit ridiculous because he is so adamant that he had plans and now feels like he has been robbed of his opportunity to exercise them, so if i wade in with instructions it might seem disrespectful?

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