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Family secret DSISs, me & my DS

(13 Posts)
Weareallokaynow Tue 14-Nov-17 12:29:40

I would like some advice on what do about what has become a family secret. Changed name as my regular posts would be too identifying. I think this will be long sorry!

My DS1's dad (exh) was very abusive towards me, in most ways, short of actually punching me in the face. I left him taking my DS. I left him for another man (we didn't live together for about 18 months as I had DS.)
Ds now knows i left his dad for another man. He was also witness to some scary situations when my exh knew i was leaving, i don't know if he remembers this

A few years before I decided to leave, i discovered exh had been having a "relationship" with my dsis1 since she was 12 or 13 (he was 5 years older). Exh found himself in a situation where he had to tell me 3 or 4 years later (dsis was 15 & iwas 18 then) as dsis's friend knew and had shouted something out to me in the street. He actually got my dsis to tell me. He told me that if i told anyone he would go prison and it would be awful for DS (baby) and he might be taken away. I spoke to my dsis and tried to be supportive, while at the same time desperately hoping she wouldn't ask me to report it. My mum also asked me if I knew what was wrong with dsis as she wanted counselling, but wouldn't say why.

It's been 14 years since i left. Recently dsis2 told me that she knew about exh & dsis1 as I had apparently told her when she offered to stay at exh's with ds, shortly after I left. I don't remember telling her and had no idea she knew.
A few months ago i had an afternoon out with dsis1 and spoke to her about exh and what had happened, as some things have happened recently, which brought it back for me and I wanted to check on her. She also had no idea that I knew and had no recollection of telling me and us talking at the time. She also said that at the time she was asking our mum for counselling, she begged her not to leave her in the house alone with exh.
I think my mum must have known really. Both parents really failed us as teenagers in all sorts of ways.

The thing is, this become a bit of a family secret that several people know about. What do I/we do about it for the best? DS1 has recently been let down by finding out one of his heroes is a sexual predator and I can't help thinking of his own dad.

NotTheFordType Tue 14-Nov-17 12:36:27

Sorry OP, I'm a bit confused about the time lines here. Was your ex in a relationship with you and abusing your sister at the same time? It sounds like he was with you from when you were 15 years old?

Does your DS have any contact with this man?

Weareallokaynow Tue 14-Nov-17 12:47:28

Yes at the same time. I was with him from 14 and he moved into our house when i was pregnant with ds aged 16, but had been a regular feature there before this.
Ds sees him infrequently, although he lives a 15 minute drive away.

schoolgaterebel Tue 14-Nov-17 12:51:33

He is a sexual predator, does he still have access to teenage girls?

rcit Tue 14-Nov-17 12:54:20

How old is ds1?

rcit Tue 14-Nov-17 12:57:05

Scratch that, I just saw that you'd been left 14 years. Ds1 must therefore be an adult or almost. Therefore the whole truth for him.

Your exh is a rapist and sex predator. It appears Dsis1 was raped at 12 shock.

ArcheryAnnie Tue 14-Nov-17 13:06:17

There's nothing that will change the fact that your son's father is a rapist and sexual predator, whether you report him or not. It sounds like your DS is old enough to know the truth, in any case, and to cope with it. (And if in the future he has kids and is contemplating letting his father have access, well, he needs to know.)

I think if either you or your Dsis want to report him for historical child sexual abuse, you should do so, and support each other. I am so sorry you both had this shitbag in your lives. flowers

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 14-Nov-17 13:26:47

You son will need to know at some point, so he can protect any girlfriend/s and any dc he might later have. Your ex is a shameful bastard and does not deserve anyone keeping his secrets for him.

Your son is a teenager now. Please offer him relationship guidance by showing him the thread "right, listen up everyone" at the top of this board (which is for everyone, not just women, imho). You need not bring your ex into the discussion. This is not to just highlight boundaries on his behavior, but will show that he doesn't need to put up with problem behaviors from his partner as well.

Weareallokaynow Tue 14-Nov-17 13:35:05

I don't actually know if my dsis was raped at all or whether the abuse stopped short of that. He raped me.

Ds is an adult. Exh is in a long term relationship they haven't had children, he doesn't work in a setting where there are children.

schoolgaterebel Tue 14-Nov-17 13:40:28

I really think your whole family need to get together and speak openly about what happened, your DS needs to be told the whole truth and then you need to speak to the police and tell them about this historical rape / abuse.

At the very least his new partner needs to know the whole story.

I understand that doing that may be near impossible as it is so painful to talk about, I also think your parents would discourage it as it sounds like the lack of open communication and support for each other has managed to cover their poor parenting.


Weareallokaynow Tue 14-Nov-17 13:48:19

I have always been very open in discussing sexual relationships with my ds and i have explained to him the need for verbal and ongoing consent to sex and to look out for body language that a partner is uncomfortable. This was mainly due to my own lack of control in these situations and having no idea what was acceptable as a teenager.
I will talk to him again about this we have been discussing the various stories in the media anyway.
I hadn't thought about ds's children.
Exh was 16- 24/25 while we were together. Do you think he is a sexual predator? There's no doubt that he preyed on me & my sister. I know it probably seems black & white written down.

picklemepopcorn Tue 14-Nov-17 14:38:15

He was sixteen and you were fourteen. Fifteen years ago I’d have called that consensual, now I wouldn’t. Your sister was only 12, so definitely not consensual.

How long has his current relationship lasted?

picklemepopcorn Tue 14-Nov-17 14:39:19

And he knew it was wrong at the time. He should be prosecuted for his behaviour to your sister, if she wants that.

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