Just totally lost

[Nofaithinthefuture]

Sorry, because I'm howling into the void.

I'm depressed or anxious or just overwhelmed and exhausted. I'm not suicidal (although I find the idea of ceasing to exist very comforting sometimes). I just find my internal life exhausting.

I've had therapy, lots. I have been in my own head for far too long. I know I am enormously self-critical and I try not to be.

I'm happily married and have beautiful children. I think I'm a dreadful wife and mother. I work very hard and am shattered from it. I have very few friends, increasingly few, and no one to talk to. I don't think I'm well regarded at work and my current working situation is unsustainable for reasons outside my control. I find social relationships very hard (I have a diagnosis of social anxiety, like half of MN from what I read) and have had some bruising encounters recently. Even when people ask how I am, I just can't say.

I am so tired of myself. I don't know what to do. I suspect there's nothing to be done really. I've felt like this since I was a child and now I'm in my 40s. Life feels too much.

Sorry.

[Nofaithinthefuture]

Thank you, and I'm sorry to hear that.

[Iooselipssinkships]

You mentioned therapy but have you seen your GP recently? Not that it will fix everything immediately but it's a start. You could even show them your post if words are too difficult to manage.
I'm in the same boat OP, I lack friends and confidence. I don't know who I can't or can't trust. It's been at least 2 or 3 weeks since I left the house. I will start my own thread eventually but I'm so terrified of being ignored or judged, I even think MN hates me and I get paranoid that if I reply or join in with something everyone else checks out.
Sorry for going on about myself but it's just to show you that you're not the only one and you're not really alone. Make that GP appointment if you can.

[Nofaithinthefuture]

Looselips, for you too. I'm sorry you feel like this.

I should see my GP and get some medication. I should be on it permanently.

I have lost friends through this depression so I do understand why people can't speak out. I read other people putting statuses on FB about their depression and getting loads of responses telling them how lovely and brave they are. In my experience people are nice enough if you cry on them but then run away afterwards. So I've stopped talking at all but just say the wrong thing all the time anyway. I don't inspire much liking or affection compared to others.

[Nofaithinthefuture]

That's it, Miracle. I feel tired at the idea of always feeling like this but am simultaneously terrified of dying an early death. My mother died when I was a child, and didn't seem to like me much before she died, and I think I'm recreating it all for my own children.

[TalkinBoutWhat]

Having even one person to talk to can really help, but you need to be careful not to overload them.

I think the reason why there are so many people like you with anxiety on MN is because of the very fact that they are not out there talking to RL people. MN and forums like MN are needed to give you the chance to at least have contact with someone else that you don't get in RL.

What do you do when you feel as though you're in your own head too much? What do you enjoy doing?

I've recently taken up a sport that only happens around once a month, but gives me a lift for quite a few days afterwards. I enjoy reading a variety of books. One of my favourite 'me' times is buying a junk romance novel from a charity shop, poor a deep bath and read in there, topping up the hot water several times. It's very effective for taking me out of my head.

Do you have any book clubs in your area? I've found one not far from me which I'm eyeing off at the moment. Again, once a month. I only know about it from an ad on a community notice board. It's held at the local theatre, so I think it would be easier to join compared to ones held at a person's house.

Another really great thing is community choirs. Great for meeting people, chatting to them, and slowly building up a social group with a shared interest (but this is usually once a week and harder if your DC are young). Not to mention the emotional high that you get from singing. Really, really great endorphins from singing, fabulous for lifting the spirits. Again, a lot of local choirs put their ads up on local community notice boards. (And some of the choir members seem to know everyone and everything going on locally, great for inside knowledge!!)

[hellsbellsmelons]

Sounds all a bit woooo!
But have you looked into mindfulness?
It could be a good thing for you if you've not tried it before.
Definitely get to your GP.
I can't imagine how hard it all is for all of you on here.
and very UnMN ((((HUGS))))

[Nofaithinthefuture]

Hi, Talkin.

I know what you mean about overloading someone. It's probably why I don't talk. I lost a whole group of friends once because I talked too much and that haunts me. We moved quite recently so I don't know anyone very well, and the village is quite cliquey in an obvious way so every approach I make (in my scared way) has been rebuffed.

But I am in a choir, which I do totally love. I've made a good friend there. I enjoy reading when I get the chance. I work very long hours with lots of travelling but I do get to read on my commute. I prefer books to people I think. I struggle to find time that is just me, and struggle particularly to find exercise time. I'm no different to lots of women with small children there. I can't just go running, which lots of people I know swear by for mental health, because I've got a sports injury that has forever ruled out running outside a gym.

MN and similar are a mixed blessing, aren't they? They are a relatively easy form of intertaction but they're not the same as real people. I have given up Facebook because it was too awful. But even this sort of conversation is better than just feeling it inside.

[Nofaithinthefuture]

Hellsbells, so far my attempts at mindfulness have been a huge failure! But I should persevere.

[angstinabaggyjumper]

Sending hugs and

[Nofaithinthefuture]

back, thank you.

[TalkinBoutWhat]

Well done for joining the choir. I was a member a few years back, but can't at the moment because my DSs are too young to be left on their own for long, and it was costing a fortune in babysitting.

My DH has severe crippling depression and I am left managing everything, so life is pretty bloody tough for me at the moment.

What I've decided to do is put myself first sometimes. When there's a lull in my work I browse MN rather than going downstairs and talking/dealing with DH, because I need my alone time and recharge time. Selfish, but very much needed.

I've decided that I can't be arsed dealing with crappy Christmas presents when we are struggling financially and it is a struggle to save up money for everyone to buy presents with (DSs are only 8 and 10 so only chip in with pocket money) so I've sourced a kindle second hand and that's going to be my present from the DSs. DH has been told and is currently 'suggesting' it as a great present idea, fortunately they're quite open to suggestions. He's getting me an amazon voucher with the equivalent of a 12 month subscription for Kindle Unlimited on it (again, he was told). No more jewellery, slippers and perfume for muggins here this year!!!

The sport is another thing. It's a women's team, and made of some mums who sit on the sides and watch our DC play. (Revenge is sweet, the DSs are sitting on the sidelines with their IPads waiting for me to finish playing. BWa, ha ha ha!!!)

The other thing I do is because life is so crappy, and things can easily get worse for us (we've got some pretty serious issues we're dealing with) I go through detailed worst case scenarios for everything. I've then put in contingency plans to deal with the worst case scenarios. So who will care for the DC, what happens to assets, earning alternatives etc. I've spoken to relevant people and got their agreements. This means that should the 'worst' happen, I've already done what needs to be done and those I care for will be cared for.

I'm also trying to 'bomb proof' myself financially. So I am finding several streams of income so that I am not reliant on just one. I am looking at some training courses that I can do, slowly, from home, for another future career (self employment - my trust and faith in other people is at an all time low right now, and I want to be in control of my own work life - I am done with being vulnerable).

These are things that are working for me. I hope some of it might be helpful for you.

[tropicalwaterdiver]

Nofaith,

I had depression after tragic event in my life and I know the feeling of "no future".

However, if you suffer from those symptoms for long time and without visible reason, it could be nutritional deficiencies and hormonal imbalance.

www.everydayhealth.com/columns/therese-borchard-sanity-break/nutritional-deficiencies-that-may-cause-depression/

Start with checking your blood - ideally in specialised lab.

Make your research, find documentaries on YouTube - you will find loads of valuable info you can use to heal yourself.

[Cakecrumbsinmybra]

You could try reading books by Eckhart Tolle; I find them very helpful.

[Nofaithinthefuture]

Oh Miraclecure, that post has just made me cry. I am touched beyond belief to have been a part of helping you like that. I am so pleased to know that you're feeling so much better.

I'm feeling a bit better too. Writing things down on here did help. I also managed to talk to a friend a bit yesterday who was very kind. I hadn't come back to the thread before because work this week was very difficult indeed and I couldn't even write about it, but hopefully it will improve a bit. It's still not going to be easy though, and I am still struggling with a social situation that is making me very anxious. Baby steps I guess.

Talkin

[Youcanstayundermyumbrella]

Talkin thank you so much for your very thoughtful post. It's really helpful to see how someone in a difficult situation finds concrete ways to help herself. Inspiring actually, and for all you are dealing with.

tropical, thank you. Specialist blood work is a bit outside my means right now, but I think I'll try some vitamins and see how that goes.

Cakecrumbs thank you for the suggestion. I do find reading that sort of thing a bit difficult sometimes although I have actually read The Power of Now for work.

[Nofaithinthefuture]

Name change failed as I'm posting with two children sitting on me...