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Why isn't he offering to go

(55 Posts)
UterusHaver Mon 13-Nov-17 22:31:14

We are going to separate. We both know it.

But the fucker is still here. Why? He knows it's over, he's got somewhere to go to.

I can't sleep when he's here. I'm so disgusted with myself that I can't ask him to go.

UterusHaver Mon 13-Nov-17 22:54:56

I'm avoiding the conversation. I'm too raw. I'm a horrible snotty blotchy cry-er and I don't want to look a twat

Wolfiefan Mon 13-Nov-17 22:55:37

Who owns the property you're in or whose name is on the lease?

UterusHaver Mon 13-Nov-17 22:56:52

We're married but it's in my name only. Mortgaged.

Giraffey1 Mon 13-Nov-17 22:57:16

Have you actually talked about separation or is it all unspoken, a giant elephant in the room?

Wolfiefan Mon 13-Nov-17 22:57:58

Has he actually agreed to go?

UterusHaver Mon 13-Nov-17 22:58:06

Massive elephant. More of a mammoth really

UterusHaver Mon 13-Nov-17 22:58:35

No Wolfie, but we both know it's inevitable

UterusHaver Mon 13-Nov-17 23:00:55

I just feel teary. We used to be really happy.

Now it's utterly shit. There's no going back, it's broken

HeddaGarbled Mon 13-Nov-17 23:07:08

He's hoping you'll go?

I think if you're married, it being in your name only is irrelevant. It's a marital asset and he has a claim to some of the equity. He may be worried that if he moves out, he's abandoning that claim (he isn't, but he may not realise that).

You need to seek legal advice.

Many separating couples endure months of living separately but together while waiting for their marital home to sell. The sooner you get things in motion, the sooner this will be over.

UterusHaver Mon 13-Nov-17 23:08:54

I know it's a joint asset. But I had the house before he was on the scene and he hates it anyway. It won't be me that leaves, 100%

I've got a solicitor appt coming up in a week or so

Giraffey1 Mon 13-Nov-17 23:17:32

I know it’s hard but you do actually need to talk about this. You can’t just assume he knows it’s over and that he’s going to go.

Wolfiefan Mon 13-Nov-17 23:21:16

You may think that. He may not!

UterusHaver Mon 13-Nov-17 23:27:02

I wondered whether asking him when he's going might be the way.

We've got young (primary age) children sad who adore him.

But he doesn't like me. And I don't like him.

deepestdarkestperu Mon 13-Nov-17 23:27:17

He may not hate it when he realises he’s entitled to probably 50% of it. The fact that you bought it in your name before marriage is irrelevant.

deepestdarkestperu Mon 13-Nov-17 23:28:20

X-post. You have DC - maybe he doesn’t want to leave his kids? Not many women would happily leave the kids in the marital home with their ex and live alone.

UterusHaver Mon 13-Nov-17 23:38:06

I'm sure that's a big part of it, deepest.

The house /assets side isn't a major concern tbh, I know we'll be able to sort that out. It's too complicated to explain but I know that's not why he's not doing anything.

He's probably just waiting for me to sort everything out like I usually do. He's not v proactive.

Standstilling Tue 14-Nov-17 09:01:26

If he 'isn't very proactive' (that was code for my XP being very lazy) then don't underestimate his ability to put his head in the sand. My XP would never have ended it even though it was increasingly clear it was over. I had to decide what I wanted and was best for the children, then put my big girl pants on and tell him. It was one of the many, small, horrible steps that were part of splitting, but I did it - one at a time and at your own pace. I promise it will get better and each time you jump one of these hurdles you are taking another step closer to that better place. Good luck thanks

ninjapants Tue 14-Nov-17 09:28:36

Mine is like this. We have discussed separation. He wants to do so 'amicably', as far as possible, so do I. The problem is his understanding of that is that I help him find a new place to live and front some of the initial rent/deposit hmm I told him he has to sort himself somewhere, by all means run it past me, but that's the limit of my involvement. He says he can't afford to do it (works full time), and i have an obligation to house him hmm no you fuckwit, WE have a legal obligation to house our son, not eachother but he absolutely can if he stopped spending all his money on drink and cocaine.
On the flip side, I can't afford to leave, or help him do so even if I wanted to, because I pay every single household bill and, like you, the mortgage is in my name so I have to pay it; he doesn't have that responsibility. I guess I'm going to have to legally lever him out.

I'm interested to see how you get on at the solicitors. In the meantime you should start making expectant noises about him leaving. He's not going to leave a comfy home willingly after all so he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he is expected to go asap.

Alfiemoon1 Tue 14-Nov-17 09:33:17

Does he actually know u think the marriage is over and are wanting him to leave. ?

UterusHaver Tue 14-Nov-17 10:36:44

Ninja, standstilling, that's exactly where we are. He's most adept at the ostrich position.

Thank you

I know I'm just going to have to tell him I need him to go. It's just so damn painful.

I don't know how we will work out contact with the children, both do shift work so I'll need him to have the children a couple of evenings a week. The children love him, will miss him and fuck knows how the ASD one will cope with the change. It's all just so horrible. I hate what I'm going to have to do to them.

UterusHaver Tue 14-Nov-17 12:46:53

Actually it's because it's not going to be just me and him, is it. I've got in-laws, the DCs have got cousins, we have mutual friends, it will all change - not just us two. Fuck.

Standstilling Tue 14-Nov-17 13:23:03

Are you having counseling? It can be v useful so you can work out what you want, especially when it is all being left up

And go easy on yourself. It is shit and it is hard but you will get through it.

Wolfiefan Tue 14-Nov-17 13:29:53

It will be different. Of course it will. But it can be better different!
Would he go to counselling to decide how to split?

UterusHaver Tue 14-Nov-17 13:35:01

Talk about his feelings Wolfie grin grin you must be kidding. Nope.

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