Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Got what i wanted, feel more miserable than ever.

(14 Posts)
boopsy Mon 13-Nov-17 22:20:04

Partner just moved out, i was unhappy in the relationship for many reasons, verbal abuse etc. All i ever dreamed about was being free. Now i am and i feel worse than ever. Teen son is devastated, he was so happy before i have ruined his life. I am bored with no one to talk to. Even though i was unhappy all i can remember are the good times as a happy family and i have ruined it for everyone. I was so excited for my new life too. No going back as i wouldnt be happy but im not happy without him either. My heart breaks for the kids, their happiness is ruined so i could be happy but im not, just stressed,miserable and incredibly guilty. Not really sure what responses im hoping for just felt good to let it out.

letsdolunch321 Mon 13-Nov-17 22:26:02

Kids are very resilient, the kids I assume didn't have to put up with your ex's verbal abuse etc

Everything probably appears a mess right now following on from him leaving. It will get better

Give yourself and your dc's lots of reassurance and time also tell the dc's they can see there dad. Plan things to do.

Good luck in your new chapter

AtSea1979 Mon 13-Nov-17 22:28:17

Give it time and in the meantime fake it until you make it. You'll soon realise you are much happier without him it just takes a while to readjust

CremeFresh Mon 13-Nov-17 22:29:42

I think it's normal to only remember the good times. This feeling will pass , give yourself time and the kids will adjust too. It's early days yet and the break up of any relationship is sad because of the hopes we have of everything being ok and happy. You will get past this .

jeaux90 Mon 13-Nov-17 22:32:20

Change is a process. Sometimes with all the build up to leaving etc you might feel a sense of deflation.

Your son needs lots of love and reassurance. You need to be kind to yourself. Try and make plans to see friends. Make a list of things you wanted to do but couldn't because you were still with the ex.

Sometimes you just need to take time, breath and then slowly you'll recover and start to crack on.

I remember when I left the ex the relief and happiness was awesome, then I felt deflated and lonely for a good few months.

I then made some changes, actually they were quite big but I felt ready.

Time. Sometimes it takes time, and love. So try and see people that care about you, and give your son loads of love.

boopsy Mon 13-Nov-17 22:44:47

Thanks everyone, didnt really expect any responses. Son is an older teen and waves me out his room so i cant talk to him. Im worried as he can be prone to low moods. I hid a lot of the arguments etc from the kids so they dont really think there was a problem so it has been a shock. They did witness a few things but him leaving has affected them much worse tbh. I was telling my friends etc how he had a flat, he was going and i couldn't wait but now i dont even want to talk to anyone and pretend im all happy and relieved, I wish i could have been stronger and saw it out till the kids were grown. I was ground down but never in any danger and i could go upstairs to get away from his aggro and he would leave me alone. He pretended to be all devastated to leave but he is happy as larry in his new place. I honestly wish i was dead if i cant be happy either without or with him whats the point?

boopsy Tue 14-Nov-17 06:34:28

Woke up feeling fine and thinking how silly i was for being upset last night. Came downstairs and broke my heart, keep thinking of my son with his dad playing footy etc when he was little feeling safe in his little family. I have torn his world to shreds im so selfish. Self employed so cant have time off, i cant bear interacting with people, they ust annoy me at the moment i want to be left alone. Just wish i could fast forward my life until im dead.

Serendipper Tue 14-Nov-17 07:19:17

My parents split after I had grown up and moved out. It wasn’t any easier then so don’t beat yourself up about that. It’s much easier now that I have 2 happy parents (eventually as they were both unhappy for a long long time after the split)

No one expects you to be overjoyed at the split of your family. If it was your choice or not it is still a grieving process while you come to terms with the loss of a future you expected.

Perhaps see your gp for some counselling as there’s no way it would be better for anyone especially your son if you were dead. cakebiscuitflowersflowersflowers

boopsy Tue 14-Nov-17 07:21:37

Dont worry i would never do that to my kids i meant i ust wish i was 80 or whatever and didnt have all this ahead of me as i cant be bothered with it. I cant be happy with or without out him but at least with him my kids were happy which is why i think i should have stayed. x

User452734838 Tue 14-Nov-17 07:45:20

Do you have a tendency to see the bleak side rather than the positives?

My mum was the other way. Stayed married when she should have divorced my abusive father. It got too late for her to leave (in her eyes) and then he died. She has never been happy since. Not because he died but because she has absolutely wasted her life. Staying made no difference to how I feel about here. She lords herself as some kind of martyr but for me she was a fool.

Your kids won't want to bother with you much when older anyway. I have an older child who visits one a fortnight.

Live your life, stop looking on the dark side and stop worrying about your kids. They will adapt.

You have made a big decision so it's not going to be easy for some time but it will get better.

boopsy Tue 14-Nov-17 07:54:53

No im normally a positive person, ironically one of the reasons i left was he was so negative. Im not good with change i like familiar things (ds also the same) I even miss his moaning as its familiar and i feel more secure in familiar circumstances. This is all so new and im also sad i cant look back at happy memories and photos with my kids in because he was a part of that. x

wtf2015 Tue 14-Nov-17 08:02:23

It will get better, it took 5 years before I was truly happy after having left abusive exH. Look at the freedom programme or some counselling. Good luck. You’ll be fine.

Hermonie2016 Tue 14-Nov-17 08:23:42

You are grieving for the relationship and the good times you had but this will get better.When ex left I had a massive adrenalin rush where I felt I could do everything and then a crash when reality sank in.
I grieved for what should have been and I was very sad but slowly I felt better.On the bad days I took myself off to a quiet place and walked and cried.I am rarely sad now and mostly happy.My children see I am happier and that's good for them in the long term, they don't worry about me and are free to be children/young people.

Just acknowledge this is early days and use tools such as mediation/mantras to get through.

boopsy Tue 14-Nov-17 09:03:37

Thank you, as far as the kids are concerned i am fine so they dont have to deal with my emotions. Its strange because im all over the place, happy/ok one minute, sad the next and for about an hour this morning struggling to remember him even being here and it feels like its always been me and the kids. So weird that feelings and emotions can change from one moment to the next and you have no control over them at all! He has a tiny flat in not an ideal area and my son refuses to go there (only has 1 bedroom too) so e has to visit the kids here which is hard. My daughter has been great she is only 12 and always positive, its wrong but im fine when shes here and want to be with her all the time. Even thought of keeping her home from school!! (dont worry wouldnt actually). She is getting me through bless her x

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: