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What are your thoughts on large age gap relationships?

(94 Posts)
McBounty Mon 13-Nov-17 21:48:50

I have recently started to get to know a guy from my Church. We have just told each other that we are more interested in each other romantically. 😊

He's 15 years older than me though.
That's not too bad, right?

I am 27, he is 42.
We both have children the same age to previous relationships.

This could work couldn't it?

He is only 5 years younger than my mum. That's a little strange for me to process. Haha!

mehhh Mon 13-Nov-17 21:50:28

Suppose it's totally personal preference!
My partner is 10 years older than me and we work, we have a baby together as well x

MummySparkle Mon 13-Nov-17 21:51:26

I'm 27, some of my best friends are in their 40s, I don't see why it couldn't work

LipstickHandbagCoffee Mon 13-Nov-17 21:56:18

Depends on the maturity and social savvy of both the folk
Be mindful the older adult doesn’t dominate or patrionise the younger partner
And conversely that the younger partner doesn’t have daddy older man issues and idolise the partner
Do the maths be aware whilst you still middle aged he will be old,potentially not in good health
I do think 27yo to 42 is a big age gap in that you’ve not finished your 20s and not yet lived your 30s

BUT I appreciate that shared interest, common values are appealing

Your kids, his kids what’s the respective ages
Don’t rush into cohabitation,marriage or family, take it easy

2ndSopranos Mon 13-Nov-17 21:57:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 Mon 13-Nov-17 22:04:17

If you want him, go for it.

hollowtree Mon 13-Nov-17 22:11:58

My husband's father married my schoolmate =) we sat next to each other in maths, now she's his stepmum!

They are really happy and we all get on fine so I'd say go for it!

Ellisandra Mon 13-Nov-17 22:12:20

I think it's about life stage more than age.
At 27, you've long since done education (well, for most!), you've had a couple of serious relationships and maybe some not so. You may have kids - you do! You've done moving out, renting, maybe buying a house. You have stood on your own feet financially. Found a job. Been pissed off in a job. Possibly moved on. All sorts of things!

27 & 42 - I say go for it, if you truly feel equal but be mindful of the 57 & 72 stage.

20 & 35 - I'd say, probably not.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Mon 13-Nov-17 22:16:08

I’m not in the wahey go for it need to move at a sensible pace
You’ve both got kids there are considerations on how to negotiate that
You need to discuss parenting styles,eg will you let him discipline your kids

Not being gloomy but do get him checked out via claires law The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS) is often called 'Clare's Law - it allows you to ask for a background check on new partner

Don’t rush into joint finances
Don’t give up work or get too dependent on him

Love is lovely,but don’t lose the head

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Mon 13-Nov-17 22:20:51

I met DH when I was 20 and he was 42. We've been together 18 years and are happier now than ever, but his health is failing - he has lung cancer - and I'm probably going to be a young widow. I wouldn't change anything for the world other than his health, because we have had a great life, but it has really brought home the age gap.

MrsPworkingmummy Mon 13-Nov-17 22:27:07

Go for it! I was 22 when I met my DH who was 40 then. I'm 31 and he's 49 now, we are married, have one DD and another new baby due in Jan. I love him to bits. There are sooo many advantages to age gap relationships IMO. I love his intelligence, his ability to look after me, his happiness with 'where he is at' in his life, his ability to be completely comfortable in his own skin, he makes me feel beautiful (still). It's just lush!

PanGalaticGargleBlaster Mon 13-Nov-17 22:33:21

To be honest if a mid 40s friend of mine started to seriously date a 20 year old women I would wonder what the hell he was playing at.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Mon 13-Nov-17 22:33:47

My advice isn’t solely age advise any woman don’t give up work,don’t share finances
Get domestic violence disclosure background check -Clare law
Why did he split from his partner?

Ilovechocolate111 Mon 13-Nov-17 22:39:16

I'm 23 and my hubby 47. Been married 5 years. 3 kiddies And never been happier!
We had a lot of mouthy people gobbing off at first but now everyone talks to us like a normal couple. smile xx

TammySwansonTwo Mon 13-Nov-17 22:47:50

I'm not so sure- when you're my age, 35, he will be 50. I can't imagine being married to a 50 year old now. Obviously a lot depends on the individual and he's probably still quite youthful now but as you get older I fear it would become a bigger problem.

vwlphb Mon 13-Nov-17 22:52:37

I have a 12/13 year age gap with my partner and TBH now that he is getting to his mid-50s, I do notice the gap more than I did 7 or 8 years ago. I wonder how it will be when I am his age now and he is getting towards 70.

ClothEaredBint Mon 13-Nov-17 22:53:22

There's 13 years between my stbExH.

It CAN work, however, don't be naïve by thinking it won't matter, it might not now at 27/42, but when you're only in your mid 30s and he's the wrong side of 50 and turning into a grumpy old man, then it will make a massive difference.

I was 36 this year, H is 50, we broke up a few months ago.

When we were 20 and 33 it was great, he was young, happy go-lucky, fun. It was still ok at 30 and 44.

In hindsight, my advice would be to make sure you're not going into this with an unequal dynamic, what killed us was I was NOT the same person at 36 as I was at 20, I changed. He changed, i'm just starting to want a life, I've blossomed into a confident adult, i'm not the 20yo happy to do as I was told, and he couldn't cope with the person I've become.

RidingWindhorses Mon 13-Nov-17 23:17:50

It's fine, don't worry about it.

KarriPotter Mon 13-Nov-17 23:23:28

We had 11 years. Separated but tentatively maybe getting back together.
I know two 16 year gaps that are successful (touches wood*) both couples have been together about/over 20yrs.

KarmaNoMore Mon 13-Nov-17 23:31:16

It didn't work for me. He was very active and young looking so I thought we would be ok, but he was ready to retire, travel the world and spend long months living out of the country when I still had a mortgage to pay, no prospects of early retirement and a child at school.

I didn't want to ruin his retirement plans but but at the same time I realised that by the time I retire he would be 80 so I would go from working very hard to caring for him pretty much all the time, who's is fine if he had planed to care for me or better said, support me, while I was trying to make ends meet while rating a child on my own, but I knew he wouldn't do something like that for me so I released him into the wild so we both could find other people more compatible with us.

KarmaNoMore Mon 13-Nov-17 23:32:32

WHICH is fine

While RAISING a child on my own

KarmaNoMore Mon 13-Nov-17 23:35:02

There was a 12 year between us

puffyisgood Mon 13-Nov-17 23:47:41

I don't think it's amazing. Plenty of 42 year olds are incredibly youthful physically and mentally but by the time OP was approaching retirement age, i.e.with some really good years left in her, this guy would, inescapably, be an old codger.

Cricrichan Mon 13-Nov-17 23:54:22

I'm in my 40s and would consider you a baby. I remember being your age and being attracted to a man who seemed very young at early 40s. Now I'm in my 40s he's like my dad.

I think you should look for someone a lot closer to your age.

Josuk Tue 14-Nov-17 00:11:04

OP - it will work and be fun for a while - he is still strong and energetic.
But eventually it’ll catch up with you.

I am 45 now - and trust me - 60yos don’t look attractive to me. Not in the least.
And - with this age difference - at some point you’ll be mot of a caregiver than a partner.
(Of course, it can also happen in a more age-balanced relationship, but with this age difference - the chances are higher)

I can see what HE gets out of it - and it’s a lot more than you would, eventually. I am sure - all his pals are envious of him.
Sorry if this wounds cynical. But - hard to be whenever I hear of men in their 40s going for women in their 20s...

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