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Would you end this relationship?

(66 Posts)
Ladylimpet Mon 13-Nov-17 19:26:31

Could be a long one, I'll try and be succinct.
Been with a lovely guy for around 10 months. We are great together, have amazing times etc. Everything you'd expect from a wonderful new relationship....but, there is one problem and I just don't know what to do? I'm really struggling to decide the way forward.
He's a sensitive guy and admits he thinks about stuff a lot. He has three kids which he dotes on. He only sees them once a week (he'd love to see them more). He actually has a court order to see them three times, but it just doesn't happen. Anyway, he's at the start of the process of taking it back to court.
He seems to deal with things quite well, but I know he really misses his kids. Sometimes he doesn't see them. The mother can occasionally drop it on him that he won't be seeing them that weekend as they have other things planned etc. And he won't find this out until he contacts her the day before. I can only imagine the disappointment.
So, anyway, the problem is this. A couple of times, he's shut me off and not spoken to me (or any of his family). This can continue for a few days. I was really upset the first time. So, we had a chat, he explained a few things and I understood. He is on antidepressants and suffers from anxiety.
I really try to understand. In the last three weeks this 'shutting me out' has happened three times. He says he just cuts contact with everyone, he's always had to deal with things on his own and this is how he deals with things. He's obviously suffering during this time.
I contacted his sister and she confirmed he does struggle sometimes and just shuts himself away.
I just get really upset (mainly for him). But I'm just left disappointed and confused.
I just wonder what others would do. I don't want to just abandon him and hope that if ever I suffered like this, he'd be there for me. It's just so difficult.
He seems very remorseful when he comes out of these black spells, and everything is ok again. He knows how it affects me.
I can't just dump him can I? Most of my friends say I should. I know I've only known him 10 months, but I really care about him.
He's in a bad spell at the moment.

SkaPunkPrincess Mon 13-Nov-17 19:31:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkaPunkPrincess Mon 13-Nov-17 19:31:40

Do you see a future with him? If it were me in this situation I would want to see a proactive attitude to helping himself other wise it would be a no from me.

NotTheFordType Mon 13-Nov-17 19:31:44

Of course you can dump him! Why the hell wouldn't you?

You need to put yourself first. This relationship is not meeting your needs.

Cut him off, but be kind. Give it the old "Why don't you contact me again in the future when you're in a better place and ready to consider a relationship".

Depression manifests as a very selfish disease. If he's having a weekly meltdown, he is definitely not anywhere near being ready to date.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Mon 13-Nov-17 19:32:19

Do you have dc op?

SandyY2K Mon 13-Nov-17 19:40:37

Yes. I'd end it.

Far too much stress and it's not worth it.

category12 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:41:05

I would find out out what help he's had/whether he's willing to get more. The chances are, he's stuck like this and if you continue with him, this is what life will be like and if you had dc together/if you have dc already it will affect them in negative ways.

If he was willingly and actively seeking to change this behaviour with therapy, then it would be less clear-cut, but as it is, it sounds like it's getting worse and your sympathy will turn into martyrdom.

Ladylimpet Mon 13-Nov-17 19:45:45

No, I don't have kids.
I have been very understanding so far. Which isn't hard at all. I really really care about him, so want to be there. I'm just struggling through these times. Selfishly, I miss him too!
Yes, I've sort of mentioned to him that I don't think he's cut out for a relationship just yet..I'm not good at explaining things to him though.
Good idea about him being proactive etc. IF we are to go forward, I would definitely need for him to be wanting to get help. Although I do know he's been to the dr (on a waiting list for counselling).
That's the sad thing. I really do see a future! He's told me before that all this won't last forever. I do believe it. I think I get frustrated as he's not allowing himself to be happy. Although deep down I know it's not that. He wants to be happy. I just wish the one day a week to see his kids happens. As he seems ok when everything goes to plan.
I get his frustration, as he can't plan stuff with kids.

MyBeautifulMohawk Mon 13-Nov-17 19:45:52

I'd also end it.

I'd also wonder if this 'flakiness' has influenced, in any way, his ex's decision to just get on with life with the children.

Nothing worse than waiting for a dad to turn up but who has shut everyone off for a few days...

Justbookedasummmerholiday Mon 13-Nov-17 19:48:16

Years down the line my exh still sulked like a teen when his ex pulled the dc strings not in his favour. It isn't a pleasant life op.
Now it's endearing to see him like this but after a few years it's bloody draining. And when the ex finds out about you it def won't get any better.
Walk away before you get in deeper.

DianaT1969 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:48:22

I work with a depressed and anxious person and it's very hard to be around her long term. Mainly because she gravitates towards negative situations habitually and towards a continuous flow of people with issues (drugs/alcoholism/abusers/financial scammers). Where others would see a red flag and steer clear, she runs towards it. In this way she alienates the good people in her life, sabotages work, her health and relationships.
Where another man might exercise rights to see his children more assertively and successfully, yours may always find this a trigger to depression.
He might never be capable of making you feel valued and a real 'partner'. He may struggle to change because it is such a tricky condition to beat.

Ellisandra Mon 13-Nov-17 19:51:14

You can just dump him. For any reason at all, but deciding that supporting him through this isn't something you're up for is a good reason.

I'd have to think he was something really special to even think about staying.

As others have said - what steps is he taking to manage how he reacts? He doesn't have to make you his support and confidante, but he also mustn't leave you upset and confused. Remorseful afterwards when he's done it 3 times in as many weeks doesn't cut the mustard.

With regards to the kids, why is he only at the start of court process if he was in the position of needing a court order in the first place, and the contact schedule hasn't been met for some time?

My XH has just dropped it on me he wants our child in "my" time because of a family party. No big deal at all. You say "occasionally" - so that sounds like it might be reasonable. The issue is more the regular 3x a week contact that isn't happening.

I think you need to accept that he's going to go through a lot more with a return to court. In 10 months he's cut you out at least 5 times! I would walk away if he wasn't very engaged with therapy over that.

Hermonie2016 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:51:48

What dies he do during these no contact phases if you contact him? Does he ignore you?
You said he deals with things well, but it seems he doesn't.
Perhaps I'm over cautious but I think being in a relationship with him will be a nightmare.What if you needed support.
Do you really know why his marriage ended, could his exw want to protect the dcs from his moods.She must have some rationale for breaking a court order.
I assume he has started with solicitors letters to try to get contact established reguraly.

Be careful if you are hoping to help/fix him.Its not something you can do.

Ladylimpet Mon 13-Nov-17 19:53:58

I know what you're saying Mohawk. However, I believe he's only been depressed since he can't see his kids often.
I obviously only have his word, but just from what he says, conversations with his mum etc, just all add up. He used to see them on the agreed three times a week at one point. I've questioned him, as I don't understand why any woman would stop a clearly doting dad from seeing his kids. I just don't get it. So it went ok for years! However, he said she just started to change over time, and would go apeshit if he questioned things he didn't like (just parenting issues). Then would stop the contact etc.
He's always been honest and I do believe him.
Just a sad situation!

tygr Mon 13-Nov-17 19:53:59

Men often deal with their feelings by withdrawing whereas women like to talk and share. He’s dealing with some big feelings so his behaviour is understandable. It’s also understandable that after 10 months he doesn’t feel able to be vulnerable with you yet. Maybe he will in time and maybe he won’t but seems harsh to me to dump him when he’s going through a tough time if you care about him as much as you say you do.

IrritatedUser1960 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:55:59

You cannot fix anyone. You are in the love stage of the relationship, this will get very tedious if it goes on for years and years.

Ladylimpet Mon 13-Nov-17 19:56:05

Hmm, I hear you justbooked. I certainly don't want this life forever.
The ex does know about me. They've been split for years.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Mon 13-Nov-17 19:57:16

My exh used his black mood skills whenever things didn't go his way too often.
Walking on egg shells isn't pleasant.

MyBeautifulMohawk Mon 13-Nov-17 20:02:14

If his reaction to not seeing his children as per the court order is to become 'depressed' and 'anxious' rather than address it through the courts properly, then i'm afraid he doesn't have the emotional resilience I'd be looking for in a partner.

Life is hard and he needs to tackle this aspect of it. Withdrawing and ignoring you isn't dealing with any of it.

Aminuts23 Mon 13-Nov-17 20:04:38

OP you could be describing my ex and his circumstances. Whether he has anxiety or not, that’s no excuse to behave like that towards you when you’ve been nothing but supportive. In my case he ended things at 10 months (hideously) as he said he ‘didn’t know how to be a single dad in a relationship ‘. Self indulgent clap trap. I’m a few months out of it now and honestly I just hadn’t seen how emotionally draining it actually was. The thing is, like you, I really liked him and I wouldn’t have ended it. Now I’m over the shock of it ending I realise I was literally exhausted supporting him emotionally with everything and getting nothing back. I didn’t feel supported at all. I feel nothing but relief now that it’s over. I don’t have to second guess what’s gone wrong, how he’ll be and constantly (subconsciously mostly) worrying how he is. I’d be careful here

Ladylimpet Mon 13-Nov-17 20:04:40

She cheated on him. Not married to her.
I think he pretty much got shafted. I know he wouldn't have broken the family up if it was up to him. He was a very hands on dad..
I think he just feels so low. Court order was arranged and stuck to for years. Yes, he's seen a solicitor.
Yes, he's explained he just withdraws into himself and because he's just always had to deal with things on his own, that's what he does.
I've met his mum, but not his sister. He's close to both. I messaged his sister.
She sounded lovely and said don't take it personally, as he thinks I'm amazing. I know he really cares about me too.
He said he just wants a simple life, to see his kids (when he should), and build a future with me.
I don't know why she's just being difficult now, when it worked in the beginning.

Ellisandra Mon 13-Nov-17 20:07:42

You say things went OK with the XW for years, and that you believe this depression is only linked to not seeing the kids.
But you also confirm his sister says he gets like this... which sounds like a longer term issue.

That timing might all fit together. But my eyebrow raised. I think you should be open to the possibility that this isn't a temporary reaction but a more swap seated way of behaving.

Ladylimpet Mon 13-Nov-17 20:08:21

Hi aminuts. You commented on my first thread when I was user xxxx
I'm the one who was struggling to hear about the fact he didn't want more kids.
I'm ok about that now we did actually have a chat. That's not the issue now!
And I think our situation is very similar! Thanks again for your input.

category12 Mon 13-Nov-17 20:09:49

MH issues aren't generally as simple as "I don't get to see my kids therefore I withdraw" - on what basis do you believe it started with this?

MyBeautifulMohawk Mon 13-Nov-17 20:10:15

I don't know why she's just being difficult now, when it worked in the beginning.

It's very unlikely that she's just started being 'difficult' now. That's my point.

I wonder if he cancelled seeing the children a few times when he started seeing you?

Or whether they've also had to deal with his withdrawals.

It it's been working so well for years, she knows about you and doesn't have a problem with you then, you're right, it just doesn't make any sense that she'd suddenly change. Especially as she will have built her life around that free tine fir herself too.

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