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Can't think straight about my husband

(165 Posts)
MIlesdavis Mon 13-Nov-17 18:52:57

My husband did an beautiful eulogy at his mother's funeral last month. The reception immediately followed and I couldn't speak to him privately for several hours afterward. When everyone dispersed except his best friend and a few other family members, I went up to him to give him a hug and tell him how well he did. When I moved away from hugging him, I saw that he had his fingers in his throat, imitating that gesture of vomiting - as if what I said was worthy of throwing up - and looking at his best friend and laughing at me. I pretended I didn't see, said my goodbyes and took the children home (he was staying on that evening) but I had a huge lump in my throat the entire four-hour drive. When I was alone, I completely lost it. He has been unfaithful to me - had a mistress for three years - and I elected to stay when I found out (so tough) as he extricated himself from her and the children were 8, 5, 3. That was 7 years ago. He is extremely critical of me (well, he's critical of everyone really but I feel I really bear the brunt of it). I have dealt with a lot and have done my best. For some reason this gesture is something I can't shake...I stayed despite the affair and the many appalling injustices of it...and I just can't get over this. Is this irrational? I can't think straight any more.

AdalindSchade Mon 13-Nov-17 18:53:58

I think you are a good few years past the point when you should have left him

Can you contemplate it now?

Whataboutmeee Mon 13-Nov-17 18:55:37

That is really humiliating and disrespectful and I can understand why you are hurt. I don't think you will get over it.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Mon 13-Nov-17 18:55:57

Sounds like the day was a huge turning point. Don't waste it .
Get the life you deserve - don't waste any more time on that vile man.

midnightflowers Mon 13-Nov-17 18:57:52

Sounds like the day was a huge turning point. Don't waste it .
Get the life you deserve - don't waste any more time on that vile man.

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 13-Nov-17 18:58:57

What the hell did he mean by that? He needs to explain himself to you.

Foxysoxy01 Mon 13-Nov-17 18:59:21

I am very sorry but he honestly sounds like he doesn't like you at all.

He is a shit of the highest order.

You can find someone that thinks you're wonderful, as soon as you loose the dead weight (your DH obviously)

Mrskeats Mon 13-Nov-17 18:59:51

I can’t even begin to express how awful this is. I’m furious on your behalf. Please please leave. You want your kids to think this is how people behave?
I’m not often lost for words but this is just shocking.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Nov-17 19:00:09

I think that one small gesture summed up the disrespect he has for you

This will not change. He thinks you are a fool, an object of derision

Still fancy staying married to someone who thinks that of you ?

Fool me twice they say....

Barbiesears Mon 13-Nov-17 19:00:46

I think it's got to you so much because it's a very visible undeniable way of showing how little he thinks of you especially when it's done in front of family and friends. I agree that you shouldn't waste this moment of realisation.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:01:08

He has no respect for you whatsoever. He clearly doesn't care about you.
You deserve better. Much much better.
What did he say after you lost it with him?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 13-Nov-17 19:01:12

It's not irrational. Maybe this is the final straw for you, and you can divorce this absolute arsehole?

Hermonie2016 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:01:26

Probadly seeing his gesture when you know you did nothing to provoke it.
Also if he can't behave respectfully to you at such an occasion it shows how much contempt he has for you.

For what it's worth, if his friend is anyway decent he will not think well of your H.

I'm sorry, your H is not a good man and you don't deserve this.

pallisers Mon 13-Nov-17 19:01:36

Sounds like the day was a huge turning point. Don't waste it .

This. He really doesn't like you much. You deserve way better. Being on your own would be way better.

pallisers Mon 13-Nov-17 19:02:34

Yes I also wonder what his friend made of it - most normal people would think very little of him.

MIlesdavis Mon 13-Nov-17 19:06:54

Just reading these comments help me - thank you. Yes, I can contemplate it but I worry about the effect on the children (although they are much older and much more independent than they were when I discovered the affair). I think I spend so much time and energy trying to avoid his needling of everything I do that I've disappeared a bit (if that makes sense). It was seeing that gesture ... when I told him how well he had done ... that just hurt so much.

HashtagTired Mon 13-Nov-17 19:07:18

I think that’s the wake up call that you’ve probably been waiting for. Maybe the reason why you can’t shake it is not because of the gesture itself, but what it represents and what you probably knew all along.

loveka Mon 13-Nov-17 19:08:04

That is just terrible in every sense.

You cant spend the rest of your life bearing the brunt of his unpleasantness.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Nov-17 19:08:47

How long will you subject yourself to this "for the children" ?

You think they are oblivious to his contempt for you ? Those are very damaging lessons for them.

Gemini69 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:09:54

this is just to awful OP.... I'm sickened for you Lady.... what you have coped with and endured... it's time you thought of yourself and your kids flowers

Ropsleybunny Mon 13-Nov-17 19:10:53

You sound lovely and deserve better. Start planning now to separate from him and divorce him. He sounds like an utter bastard. You can do it, really you can.

Doreah Mon 13-Nov-17 19:11:10

I will echo what everyone else is saying. That 1 gesture shows the disrepect and comptempt he has for you and it sounds like this is the straw that has broken the camels back.
You deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect.

Inertia Mon 13-Nov-17 19:12:08

Contempt is pretty much impossible to come back from. Your husband's action displayed nothing but contempt for you - I'm sorry.

Oly5 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:12:47

What a total shit. And to keep criticising you and making life unpleasant.
You deserve more than this man. Dump his sorry ass and leave him. That gesture shows his contempt for you

Yogagirl123 Mon 13-Nov-17 19:12:52

So sorry OP, it’s very upsetting to be treated like that. Funerals can bring out the worst in people sadly. Have you discussed it with him?

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