Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Relationship question

(19 Posts)
purplelass Mon 13-Nov-17 16:10:50

In early 2016 I met a lovely bloke. I wasn't really looking, we just got on really well online so decided to meet and have been together since.

I live with my teenage daughter and he lives alone, which he always has done. I like this arrangement - we both have our independence, I love my little house and he's worked hard to make his house the way he likes it. Therefore I can't see us living together, certainly not while my daughter's still living with me, and maybe not even after that. Is that weird?

Our lives fit so well around each other, we see each other about 3 times a week and take turns to cook for each other and stay over at each others houses on the weekends my daughter stays at her dad's or if she stays at a friends house. He and my daughter get on fine but have not really got a relationship as such as they rarely see each other. She doesn't want a step dad and he feels no need to parent her, so that's perfect.

We don't fight as we don't see each other enough to get on each other's nerves! We don't have to worry about the mundane things like who's turn it is to take the bins out / who used the last of the milk so the petty arguments which I'd had in previous relationships just don't happen.

I can see us going on like this for a long time to come, and 99% of the time I'm very happy with this (the 1% being when I have little fantasies about getting married to him and wondering how that would work out!) and I know he's happy with the set up too, but I just wondered how normal this is? Anyone else in a similar situation? Is it just because I lived with the same man for 23 years before this that I find the need to question it?

TheNaze73 Mon 13-Nov-17 16:15:58

I think conventional & the ridiculous notions that go with it are clouding your 1% here. What you have sounds great.

sparkler10 Mon 13-Nov-17 16:17:00

Sounds perfect, enjoy it

TammySwansonTwo Mon 13-Nov-17 16:22:12

If my marriage ever ends I think a situation like this would be ideal - don't think I'd want to cohabit and get married again, but it's hard to find a situation like that where both are happy with it. If you're both happy that's great! What about when your daughter leaves home though - will you want more from each other? I think as long as you communicate about what you expect and need it shouldn't be a problem.

purplelass Mon 13-Nov-17 16:25:11

It is something I think about, will I want more when my daughter leaves home? But that's at least 4 years away so I'll get on with enjoying what I have now and cross that bridge if / when I come to it smile

HipsterAssassin Mon 13-Nov-17 17:28:44

I'm in this situation, bf of nearly 2 years, we both have kids, we are very happy. Like you there is the 1% of the time I fantasise about moving in and stuff but when I think about the reality of blending families/disrupting teens/logistics it just makes me hyperventilate!

Our kids are all settled, and me and him have a gorgeous time together plus time to ourselves. Each gets on with the other's kids but without stepping on any toes.

It's a nice, simple arrangement. In some ways. Complicated in others though (I have seven day work rota to fit in as well as friends, and a dog!). But it means we keep our identities/lives/autonomy and there is zero chance of us taking each other for granted or falling out over whose turn to put the bins out! Reckon we will bumble along like this for some time...

WinchestersInATardis Mon 13-Nov-17 17:32:03

Sounds perfect tbh.

SandyY2K Mon 13-Nov-17 17:52:15

If I ever got divorced I'd like this arrangement.

Aminuts23 Mon 13-Nov-17 17:52:25

Sounds ideal to me. I think when you date when you have proper life experience you appreciate your own space more and there are no rules really apart from being happy

Cat2014 Mon 13-Nov-17 17:56:10

This is my current arrangement, it works perfectly, though dp and I do want to move in together at some point. We are in no rush though. Ds is 9

ThePinkPanter Mon 13-Nov-17 18:02:09

My dad and his gf have done this for a decade and are one of the happiest couples I know.

purplelass Mon 13-Nov-17 18:04:21

Thank you for the reassurance, it does feel right for me at the moment. Glad I'm not the only one though, don't feel like a social weirdo now smile

Marshy Mon 13-Nov-17 18:14:55

Does he have/want kids?

Do you know each other's family/friends apart from your dd?

It sounds ideal in many ways.....but you do sound quite detached from each other

carelessproffessional Mon 13-Nov-17 18:16:19

Similar here - we are the happiest couple we know !

purplelass Mon 13-Nov-17 19:03:41

Marshy - my parents have passed away and his live a long way away so I've not met them. He's met my sister and couple of times and she likes him. I only see her a few times a year as she doesn't live close.
I guess there is a degree of detachment but as a divorcee it kind of helps me keep myself safe from hurt?

mindutopia Mon 13-Nov-17 19:33:38

I think that sounds perfectly fine and a great arrangement you're both happy with. My mum had a partner when I was a teenager and their relationship was very much like what you're describing. They lived their own independent lives and were happy like that. He never stayed over at our house, though she did on occasion stay over at his (he had a teenage daughter who had some nights and weekends at her mum's house, whereas my mum was my sole parent and I never stayed at my dads). They went on holidays together though (alone, not with kids). They were quite happy like that and it seemed perfectly normal to me growing up. It would have been weird to have some guy (even though he was a lovely person, family friend for many years before) staying over at night. Ultimately, their relationship didn't work out for completely unrelated reasons (he had a lot of unresolved issues related to his marriage, his wife had cheated on him and left him, etc.). I think had it been serious enough though things might have eventually changed when us kids were all grown up. In the end, she met someone new eventually and they moved in together and got married and it was the perfect time. I think growing old and children leaving the nest had a lot to do with why it felt right then but not before. I suspect maybe you might feel the same one day, but if it's working now, great, it's working.

MiracleCure Fri 17-Nov-17 02:14:32

I hope you dong mind my resurrecting this thread, it has only been a few days, but I was watching it as it describes my ideal relationship! I really hope I achieve this, OP, it sounds fabulous! Enjoy your relationship. You deserve happiness!

beesandknees Fri 17-Nov-17 03:23:22

My relationship is like this.

I wouldn't have it any other way. We are by far the happiest couple we know

category12 Fri 17-Nov-17 06:56:14

Sounds perfect

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now