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Very desperate and lonely

(6 Posts)
Userqwerty12345 Mon 13-Nov-17 11:59:56

My ex left me six months ago and I haven't really gotten any better emotionally. We have a two year old and I love them so much and am a good mum but the pain I'm in is so immense I cannot cope with how I feel about myself.

When he left he said I have no self control or discipline (he left me for someone else but he made out to family and firends it was all my fault and that I was mad and abusive) Lots of mutual friends have dropped me and none of his family speak to me. My friends are wonderful but nobody has the time to speak to me as much as I need it, and after six months I think its all worn them thin tbh.

He is enjoying his new life and I am not at all. I was so in love and would have given up everything for my family. I think what he says about me must be true because he is happy and I'm really not. More importantly, he's not at all sorry for what he's done. I do things with my little one all the time and put on a brave face but today its really got to me and I've been in tears all morning on my day off.

My ex got in contact with my previous ex too - they dont know each other and it can only have been to talk about me. The previous relationship was a really horrible one and knowing they are both gossiping about me togther has left me really shaken and unable to sleep or eat. I spoke to women's aid and they said its a form of harrassment but I dont think it is because my ex never comes near me and has cut me out of his life completely.

He sends me emails regularly which make me feel scared of what he is going to ask for/about next. I have started getting stomach cramps every time I open my email account. I am so tired, crying at the drop of a hat and have zero confidence. I mean, honestly, I hate myself and dont think anyone would ever want to be with me because I have no ability to stay in a relationship, i've messed them all up. I'm 33. I had to give up my career and studies and take a call centre job to support us. Everyone there is about 20 and they go out constantly and no one really talks to me there. I dont think it helps that I'm not a very happy person there despite how much I'm trying.

My counsellor said I need to move on and that my ex deserves to be happy. Honestly this has really hurt me. I dont feel he deserves any happiness for what hes done to us. Its just compounded what I worry - that he is in the right to leave and that the fact that I dont think he deserves happiness means there is something wrong with me.

I think I'm just a bad person, thats why he left, and thats why he is happy now and I'm not. I am thinking it might be best for my daughter if I just give up and ask him to have her full time. I can't see what kind of future she will have with me - I have no confidence and will never be with anyone else because I wont trust them. I carry a lot of hate towards people, mostly men, but also young girls at work who gleefully talk about their boyfriends who have kids and how the kids mums are 'useless and don't want them'. Much like how he's turned his friends against me, its amazing what people can believe until they've been put through it themselves.

At least if my little one is with my ex she will grow up with confidence because he never thinks he's in the wrong and is very well liked and popular, so she will learn these traits too. He also lives in a much nicer part of the country and is more well off than me. She will have more opportunities.

I'm so confused. I feel like a worthless human being who will only make her life worse. If this was two months in as before I would just ride out the feelings, but I'm so scared things arent getting any better and that there is no sign of justice in all this. I wonder if perhaps he was right about me after all.

I don't know what I am asking tbh. I think I have noone to speak to and am hoping someone will be able to say something to me that will cut through this fog.

Smeaton Mon 13-Nov-17 12:08:35

You know when someone loses a leg. Do you expect that person to be able to stand and walk quite happily after 6 months or would you expect their recovery to take a long long time?
It can take years for a person to over come a loss... That includes a relationship.

You're being very hard in yourself after only a short amount of time. You're still grieving.

My advice would be to set up a new email, one he hasn't got. Remove him from wherever he may be, Facebook, twitter, etc.
Leave him your mobile number as his only means of contact and only then about DD.

Then take steps to reaffirm your self worth. You're not a bad person or a bad mum ertc. You're working, your providing, you're keeping a roof over your heads and food in her belly.. That is enough..

As with all storms and greyness of sky, this depressed mood will soon pass by, replaced with air and a clear thinking mind, just wait it out and to yourself be kind. grin

beachcomber243 Mon 13-Nov-17 12:29:08

It's still very early days. You are having a hiccup, having a bit of a bad time but it temporary and will not continue. Everything changes, and take it one day at a time.

Drastically cut out contact with ex as PP says. He is the source of your unhappiness and insecurities.

You are a good mum, loving your daughter and going to work to keep her. Your ex does not have your childs welfare at heart, no matter where he lives. There is nothing wrong with you except you listen to what he says. He is playing with your mind, but uses words of a nasty, bitter person [not popular and well liked as you think].

Try to live a settled life with you daughter, go to work, have fun with her...lots of things do not need money...plan outings and do crafts/walks/picnics/library/mother and baby groups etc together and do not bother with another relationship for a long time while you recover.

Concentrate on yourself now, [not ex] pamper yourself, eat well, enjoy the small things in life as much as you can. Sack your unhelpful counsellor too and get another one.

Life changes all the time, nothing stays still, you will move on and things will get better as time puts distance between you and your interfering ex. Everyone is allowed a step back now and them...then we make 2 steps forward.

Sancerresanwine Mon 13-Nov-17 21:36:53

I really hope you know you can get through this bad patch. I'm so sorry you are suffering. Please try to be positive and kind to yourself flowers

flamingnoravera Mon 13-Nov-17 22:15:59

Change your counsellor, telling you that he deserves happiness is crass and wrong.

You need time to heal and get over this pain.
Your daughter needs you, don’t let those thoughts about her being better off with him fool you. She needs you to be with her and tell her she is wonderful and lovely and I am sure you can do that for her.

I really feel for you, he sounds like a complete shit. I second blocking him on any media apart from text or phone and only in connection with your daughter’s care.

It will get better. It will.

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow Mon 13-Nov-17 22:23:00

So sorry op, you sound so low sad

Do not let this man "win"
You have your lovely little dd to help you through, she needs you.

Fast forward 25 years in your head and the same thing happened to your dd, what would you be telling her? You need to adopt the same mentality. You deserve to be happy too, and you will be. In time.

You are grieving for the life you will never have with this man. In time you will see that you had a lucky escape. It's much to soon to see that now.
Please be kind to yourself, your self esteem is at rock bottom, it needs building up, slowly but surely.
Your dd will be picking up on the negativity and I'm sure you don't want that, you can do this!
Focus on what's good in your life, I have been in your shoes and 12 years on I have a lovely stable relationship and home and my ex is on his second divorce and is miserable as sin.

Wishing you well and if you ever want to talk then please feel free to pm me flowers

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