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Separated/ gaslighted/ living with DH

(11 Posts)
eggncress Mon 13-Nov-17 11:27:34

Has anyone else been in the horrible position of being separated but still living with DH?🙁

Married 17 years.
Unhappy for past 10yrs
Asked for divorce and him to move out 7 yrs ago and 4 yr ago. He refused both.I wasn’t and still not in position to move out.
We have 2 teenagers 15 and 17and pets.
3 Yrs ago realised I am living with a sociopath.. he has all the traits including indifference to his own kids.
In fact it feels that I have been raising kids alone with little if any input from him.
A few days ago I found out about gaslighting.. he has been doing it as long as I remember. Everything makes sense now💡!

When I mentioned going for an official separation 3 years ago he quit his job making himself dependant on me! He is working again now but I feel I have to watch my step...he is so manipulative.
I got advice from a lawyer at the time who told me if we split I would have to pay DH maintenance until he got another job!

To cut very long story short we have agreed to separate 3 months ago. It’s unofficial ,we are living separate lives most of the time anyway but I feel he is still trying to gaslight me.I know better how to deal with it now but still I feel on edge all the time. I don’t think this separation thing is going well.
When he wants sex he seems to forget about our separation and tries to love bomb me! For example in sitting room ( we only have one) he will come and sit very close , trying to put arm round me. Bombard me with compliments which he never did since we married. It’s feels very creepy as I know there is no affection in it ... more a case of a challenge to him, hoping he will win ( he hasnt😄) . We do have separate bedrooms. Most of the time when kids aren’t about I sit in my bedroom.

The kids themselves have said that they only expect ‘basic care’ (their comment not mine) from their dad. He will cook for them if I am not home but that’s it really. There is no other interaction. He prefers to watch tv all the time.The kids spend a lot of their time in their rooms or out with friends.That May be normal for kids their age anyway?They are doing well at school.
The 15 year old has said feels depressed. Has seen dr. Referred to MH team.DD says it’s to do with Low light in winter but I’m not sure.

I know the advice for dealing with gaslighters is ‘ no contact’. But that’s just not possible at present.
I am waiting until kids finish school then hopefully in better position to leave.I cannot afford to move out just now and rent somewhere else as well as pay half mortgage for our house.Also we have a dog and the kids still have their rabbits they got when they were about 10.this also makes renting difficult.

The latest thing which makes me uneasy is I found out someone had tried to log into my Facebook account. It was from DH iPad. I have met someone else online . But not met yet. I told DH that as we have agreed to separate I am free to meet someone else and so is he.He seemed ok with this but maybe due to controlling nature is not.

Would appreciate some advice or anyone with similar experience as at present I feel very alone.It seems such a mess!😩

LillyPillly Mon 13-Nov-17 12:34:23

Sorry I can't give much advice, but I am also in a similar situation.
I am separating from my partner of 13 years who is very manipulative / gaslights / even verbally and emotionally abusive. We have 4 kids and he has threatened to quit his job if we separate so that he doesn't have to pay child support (nice right!).
I have found a rental and am waiting to see if my application has been accepted before telling him we are separating for good and I'm moving out. I'll find out tomorrow!
Can you not find somewhere else to live?

Anon171175 Mon 13-Nov-17 12:53:51

I had to live with my ex but thankfully it wasn't for long (just a couple of months). He agreed to move out assuming I paid all the mortgage.
Living with him for that short time was hell though.
Can you not just put the house up for sale??

rizlett Mon 13-Nov-17 12:54:24

OP - I can see that this situation would make you feel alone and in a mess. It's good that you have decided you don't want it to be like this and are thinking of how to move on.

As your H is abusive have you considered contacting womensaid to gain further RL support and more info on your choices?

Maybe speaking to another solicitor might help too just to clarify whether what the first one said is relevant now.

What is stopping you making your separation official?

eggncress Mon 13-Nov-17 12:57:42

Thanks Lilly ... I could move to my mums but that 150 miles away . Kids happy at school , lots of friends etc. About 18 months to go.When they leave school I may move to mums. Kids will have option to do same.Or might move somewhere else so they have my financial support and able to go to uni etc. I know the only solution is to move away but difficult right now.
Good luck with your situation. He won’t be happy you have taken things into your own hands. It’s all about power in their minds. Let me know how you get on 🙂

eggncress Mon 13-Nov-17 13:07:59

Thanks for your replies everyone..
rizlet, I haven’t made it official as last time I suggested it he left his job😦to make himself dependent on me and make it more difficult to leave. I will contact another solicitor for up to date info.
Anon... won’t put house up for sale just yet as wouldn’t be able to afford anything else local on half the money and want to keep kids at same school until they finish( about 18 months to go they have their important exams coming up too)
I will try Women’s Aid though.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Mon 13-Nov-17 15:19:17

Sorry no advice but I am going through something similar and it's so lonely. I had my first counselling session today and I just feel overwhelming sadness.

The situation you are living in sounds so unhealthy. Is there anyway he'll leave

howrudeforme Mon 13-Nov-17 15:54:59

Sorry you have this. I had this too. Dh was abusive and we lived apart in same property. So lonely.

Thought I’d need to wait till Ds has left school before I could do anything. Circumstances changed so we sold up and he’s agreed to divorce.

You’re not legally separated unless you live at different addresses. Get all the legal advice you can in the meantime.

DownTownAbbey Mon 13-Nov-17 16:57:57

You need legal advice. It's possible you have a better claim stay in the house whilst your DCs are still officially children so waiting could be counterproductive. Also Women's Aid will have good advice for dealing with a manipulative man.

I hope you get away from this turd flowers

Swizzlesticks23 Mon 13-Nov-17 17:03:48

I think your focusing on to many excuses of why not to leave. When the time comes you will create new excuses. I know it's a big change but you will feel so relieved op. Please try and be brave you cannot live your life like this it's no way too live flowers

eggncress Tue 14-Nov-17 00:42:31

Thanks everyone for your thoughts ,advice and sharing of experiences
I think legal advice first step and asap.
It helps to see it written down here and to know others have successfully got through this too

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