Would you split up for the sake of your child ?

[PinkfluffySlippers63]

After almost 10 years of marriage me and DH are struggling. I find him moody and we have little in common. One major problem is his relationship with my DD. She is 13 he is 70. (Her biological dad is v much in the background) DD is a teenager, questioning her sexuality and having problems at school so she has a lot on her plate. She is rude to DH and there is no respect on either side. Today he said to me she should show some appreciation to him for providing a home for her for the past 10 years ! FFS. !! What kid has ever done that ??? Atmosphere at home is horrid. He regularly tells me his sons (now adult) weren't like this when teenagers -hmm. For the sake of my daughter should me and her just move out ? I'm torn. And no - he won't consider Relate.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

He sounds repulsive. Of course you should go. He's only going to get worse. If she's only 13 there's a loooong time until she can move out and she needs your support.

DD aside, what are you even doing with him? If he's unpleasant and you have nothing in common why bother?

[RosyWelshcakes]

I was, I imagine it would take a lot of guts to leave a man of that age.

Op, you’re daughter will only ever have one Mum. But that said I really do think there is a grumpy old man/generation gap thing going on here.

[Wallywobbles]

Perfect time to leave. He’s only going to become worse and more miserable. Then start to fall to pieces and you’ll be picking up the pieces. Time to say done.

[Wallywobbles]

Oh and I appreciate my opinion is not kind. But it is my opinion having watched my dad trash my DSMs health.

[PinkfluffySlippers63]

Rosy I think you're right it is a massive generation gap and that is probably the problem.
Iwas - oh no he's not repulsive - just awkward.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

Rosy, I'm not suggesting that it would be easy, just pointing out to OP that it shouldn't just be about her DD - she's not happy either.

[Ttbb]

You might as well leave now. He's going to start getting old and sick soon and will become a burden to you. What is the point in staying? He doesn't love your DD, given the way he is acting I doubt that he loves you so just go.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Absolutely.
Show your DD that she comes first no matter what.
It's probably quite hard for her, having to live with much older man.
And he will just grumpier as time goes by.
Time to put your DD first and get out.

[Trills]

It sounds as if you're concentrating on whether your DD is happy but you haven't necessarily had a proper look at whether YOU are happy.

I suspect you're not.

[MiniTheMinx]

Grumpy old men....grrrrr. moody and not much in common, do you love him? Has it always been this way?

As for teenagers, well yes some can show appreciation, some are grounded, polite, centred, and secure in themselves. Some are not so. Respect should work both ways, and should be the default position until such time a person does something to loose your respect. Unfortunately people are usually of the opinion that respect should be earned, rather than offered.

Meanwhile you are being torn in two. So neither your daughter or your husband are showing you any respect or consideration. I'd point that out to both of them.

You daughter may need your help more than your DH but it needs to be said that teenagers can't or shouldn't be allowed too much power over other people. Part of making the adjustment to adulthood is to realise that one is not the centre of the universe and to take some responsibility for oneself. To understand how your actions impact upon others. In studies it's been shown that the hormonal changes in adolescence effects the physiology of the brain effecting their ability to show empathy for others. In short, teenagers are your narcissistic nightmare. Reinforcing this is not a good option, but neither is it an option not to support her. It is perfectly possible to support your daughter without the need to sacrifice totally. It's trying to find the balance. And the starting point is for you not to made to feel torn between DH and Dd. That is for them to reflect upon and see that they are placing you in a situation where you are torn. In my opinion that is selfish of both of them.

[PinkfluffySlippers63]

Mini - thank you for your very kind and thoughtful words. I shall definitely reflect on them.

[littlebird77]

It is normal for some tension to be present in the dynamics with teens, and we have all said things I am sure that we don't mean, your dh will be no different. It is telling that you are not very understanding of his predicament in the least. Raising teens can be tricky for anyone.

The question is not about your child, but about you.

Are you happy? Do you want to leave?

In my view you seem to be using your dd as a way to escape, which would be very unfair. Better to just leave because you are unhappy and life is too short rather put the responsibility onto your 13yr old (even if she is partly the reason) It is a heavy burden to bear for her to think she has caused a divorce.

I would consider separating because you are unhappy leave the children out of it.

[PinkfluffySlippers63]

Littlebird That's a very good point which I hadn't considered. Thank you.

[SandyY2K]

It must be like living with a grumpy grandad for her.

Considering you also find him moody and don't have much in common ... on top of his relationship with your DD... this would be a good time you move on.

He's only going to get worse as he gets older.