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The feelings were right but circumstances were wrong...feeling a bit of regret. Please slap me.

(9 Posts)
Gertrudesings Mon 13-Nov-17 07:41:13

I met someone online who has turned into a really good friend. He's the one I talk to about pretty much everything. I've had a rough time in the past.

We went on a couple of dates but it was clear from the start that circumstances meant we couldn't be together, both going through divorces, both work FT, 5 DC's between us and just very busy.

So, we stayed friends and have both got new partners who have slotted into our lives much more easily (no DC's and both partners are very easy going and independent).

The only problem is I don't think they feelings we had were wrong, just circumstances. The feelings haven't gone away but haven't been acted on. Moving on, emotionally, isn't happening for me. In my head I know why we are just friends but in my heart I feel like we've messed up a bit. I don't know why I'm posting really. I want a good talking to really.

Worriedrose Mon 13-Nov-17 10:47:37

Sounds quite tricky. Are you really into your new partner or are they just convenient?
Deep feelings for someone don't tend to go away, have you spoken to him about it?
Do you think he feels the same way.

Gertrudesings Mon 13-Nov-17 16:18:29

My DP is a lovely man but I don't think I feel the same about him as I do my friend sad I keep trying (I've been with him 18 months) and being with him is much simpler. We don't live together. I can't imagine we ever will. I can't imagine a future.

I've known my friend 3 years. I think he feels the same way but the only indication was once he got drunk a few months ago and said 'It's a right pain that I love you' but maybe I've read too much into it and just sees me as a friend and thinks if we meshed our lives together it would be very complicated.

If I could choose I'd make these feelings go away. Because life would be easier. And I feel terrible about it all tbh.

Worriedrose Mon 13-Nov-17 17:02:56

Well I don't think you massively seem into your current dp. And as you don't have kids together or anything tying you, is there any point in continuing it?
Do you know if he is happy with his dp?
I think maybe sort out the actual feelings you have for your dp.
I don't think there is harm in asking him outright how he feels about you sober. It will at least confirm things on way or another
Obviously don't start an affair! but I don't think you sound like you would.
At least if you both know how you feel then you can each decide about your lives as they are.
We do only have one life, and missed opportunities often bring regret.

BulletFox Mon 13-Nov-17 17:07:08

How often do you see your friend?

Gertrudesings Mon 13-Nov-17 18:21:25

I see him maybe once a month max. We've both (unspoken) kept our distance.

Nothing would ever ever happen whilst either of us in a relationship.

My relationship with my current DP is...odd. For example, today I found out I'm losing job on 31st March next year. A job I love. I told DP and he said 'Oh dear' and isn't coming to see me tonight because he's tired. This is maybe why I haven't fully committed to him emotionally. He's unreliable with money and quite immature. I've definitely been very unsure about him but don't know if that's because my hearts not in it because deep down I know I have strong feelings for my friend or I don't fully trust DP.

I could ask him how he feels about me and I know I should but I don't want lose his friendship because it's a big support and I like him a lot, regardless of my feelings. We share the ups and downs of parenting solo etc. And he's very patient with my suspicion of men!

Worriedrose Mon 13-Nov-17 19:30:24

Difficult. Because I did the same as you because I didn't want to lose a friendship
We stayed friends for years. He married I got with my ex dp
He's not happy. I am single am approaching 40
But there isn't anything can be done about it now. We missed our window because we were both too scared. I was with my ex and about a year in I knew I was with the wrong man. But by then he has met his wife and they were expecting. So I kept it in, as did he.
I think it's the thing I will regret most in my life. We aren't friends anymore, because 10 years later we crossed the line told each other but it was too late, and I couldn't stay in his life anymore.
So now I've lost my friend and don't have the person I love most in the world

Actually feel like crying now. Sorry.
I just feel that if he doesn't feel the same way then you know and you can move on emotionally from it and probably remain friends.
And if he does, then you both need to do something about

Worriedrose Mon 13-Nov-17 19:39:24

Also your current dp just doesn't sound that great

BulletFox Mon 13-Nov-17 19:44:50

I kind of feel like you should talk to your friend. If you both feel the same way and the circumstances are different you could amicably end your present dating partners upfront and honestly and give it a try

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