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Please help....(4 Posts)
Hi... I've never posted anything like this online before. I don't even know where to start. I'm sure there's so much of the same on here. Anyway I'm at the lowest point I've ever been in my life. I'm 32 and feel like a total failure. I have no boyfriend or partner, in fact it's been 10 years since I had a relationship. I have no idea what it's like to be cared for, cherished, looked after, held etc. I fell in love with someone who didn't look twice at me, he's the father of my child and I can't imagine my life without him. But I've been awful to him, I cry and react in stupid ways whenever I'm around him and he hates me because of it and I don't blame him at all. I've realised recently that I'm on my own because of my behaviour but I don't know why I do it. I feel so hurt inside that I lash out constantly. All I've ever known is rejection. I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 and I think about it every day. I've lost friends recently and i have been diagnosed with a chronic illness that is ruining my life. I have no money and I'm having to go to food banks I frequently go without food so that my daughter can eat. I feel like the worst and lowest person in the world. And yet I have a beautiful child who i love with all my heart so why do I go to bed every night not wanting to wake up? I fantasize about slitting my wrists because I just want the pain to end. I used to cut myself years ago and I've been thinking about it again all the time. Why am I so selfish when I have a beautiful little girl who needs me? The guilt is destroying me. I genuinely think that every one would be happier without me around. Everyone at work thinks I'm an idiot because of the way I've reacted to stuff in the past. And yet underneath it all I have so much love to give I'd do anything for the people who care about me, but I don't know who does :-(
I'm so sorry you're feeling this low. Firstly if you're feeling suicidal, please tell someone in RL and contact the Samaritans:
Secondly please book a GP appointment and explain how you're feeling in order to get the right treatment.
I can imagine the sexual assault has contributed to your behaviour and this needs to be dealt with.
What I'm sensing is your regret for your behaviour of others which is good that you recognise it but you have been assaulted and you have your own needs that need some TLC.
Keep posting OP.
I echo what bibbi says. You need to take of yourself so you can take care of your lovely daughter.
Seek help, go to the GP, see if they can refer you for counselling unless you have an employee assistance line at work?
Also, please forgive yourself for past behaviour. It does not good to keep churning over what you can't change.
Financially, you say you are working but are you also getting any benefits due and is your ex paying the right amount of maintenance?
I hear you on the loneliness.....I'm a single mum. I'm sorted now but it took me a few years to get here.
Please be kind to yourself xxx
What am awful time you're having, on the financial front please go to a Citizens Advice Bureau, they can check you are getting all the financial help you are entitled to and help you apply if necessary
If you need a friendly shoulder please feel free to pm me, I'm always happy to talk x
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