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Should I leave my partner

(12 Posts)
Miss579squishy Sun 12-Nov-17 09:52:29

Hi All,

I've been with my partner for around 8 years now and we have a 7 year old son, I'm literally the women everyone would hate because my partner worships the ground I walk on, he would literally do anything for me and does always put me first, he is also a great dad. Does things around the house etc. I'm the awkward one! I love him and I would say he's my best friend but I'm always left feeling like there is something missing. My partner has never really had a good job or earned a lot of money, he's always been in and out of work, 6months here 3 months there and has never contributed to any bills, Christmas, etc his money (because he never earned a lot) was his money again he is out of work and it's been 3 months now, he tries looking for a job then that will fizzle out and I have to encourage him to look by nagging, I work full time and give him money to take our son out when I'm at work. I feel like he's not the one for me although I do love him( maybe because he's a good dad maybe because he's my best friend) he wants to get married and have another child but I don't want that.... im not sure if I'll ever want marriage or maybe because I'm not with the right person? I feel awful that I feel this way but he has no ambitions no careers goals no get up and go to take charge of his life, ideally I would like a man who is confident and knows where he's going in life, he also smokes weed, which I don't mind until I'm bailing him out and paying his debt( only been a couple of times and £80 max) but it really annoys me, I buy him clothes and he's always living in the past, talking about things that happen well over 8 years ago like prison, he also compares himself to people and is like "Compared to them I'm alright) this really annoys me because I never compare myself to people, I always try to push myself to be a better version of myself.I've always been like this throughout our relationship, we get on well something will happen and I feel like I'm not happy again, we get passed this and it happens again, I'm so confused and really not sure what I should do, I also feel guilty as if it was completely over he would have to move out and probbslly sleep on his mums sofa! We are currently on a break (told him 2 days ago)

HerOtherHalf Sun 12-Nov-17 09:57:39

So you've got drive, ambition, work ethic and he's a work-shy, dope-smoking ex-con? By what stretch of the imagination do you think you're remotely compatible? Of vourse he wants to get married and have more kids, he knows he's onto a good thing and wants to lock it in. He's never going to help you get what you want out of life so why waste time on him?

Rainbowqueeen Sun 12-Nov-17 10:16:03

But he would only need to sleep on his mums sofa because he doesn't work. If he had a job he could sort himself quickly.

You sound like you are with him due to guilt and habit.

Make the break permanent. He can still be a great dad even if you are apart, that's not a reason to stay together

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 12-Nov-17 10:20:00

im the woman everyone would hate - not even remotely - I feel sorry for you, I would hate to have to live with a guy like this.

Josuk Sun 12-Nov-17 10:28:30

OP - how can you say that he would do anything for you, etc. - if he can’t hold a job and contribute ‘his money’ to the bills, etc????
Doing THAT - would be doing something for you that matters.
Having you support him, and make all decisions - is hardy ‘worshiping’ you.
And trust me - most women would NOT feel even a little bit wishful to be with someone like that. It’s like living with a dependent.

I don’t know if it’s too late for him to change - or not. But you could tell him that the only way for the two of you to have a future is for him to grow up and carry his share of adult responsibilities. Pay bills, pay for his food and clothes.
How he even can think he can get married before he is able to do that - is beyond me.

jeaux90 Sun 12-Nov-17 10:29:08

Split and focus on co-parenting. Sounds like you are really not compatible

I couldn't be with a man like this. I'm a single mum, have a career.

Your identity is probably about work and your kid. His clearly isn't.

I'm sure no one hates you. Personally I feel sorry for people who have partners that adore them, it's bloody suffocating.

Rudgie47 Sun 12-Nov-17 10:39:04

You sound like you dont have a lot in common bar your child.
Leave him and remain amicable for the sake of your son.He doesnt sound a terrible person , just lost and not for you. Theres no reason why you couldnt still be on friendly terms.
I wouldnt marry him as he will just be sponging off you forever.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 12-Nov-17 11:04:50

I would wonder of you why you have been with someone like him at all to be honest. Did you see this person as really your own personal project to improve/fix?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. That is a question you do need to ask yourself.

That break you are on needs to become a permanent one unless you want to get caught up forever more in both your rescuing and enabling him for your own reasons. You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship and you have acted as both.

Miss579squishy Sun 12-Nov-17 11:46:00

Thank you all for your brutal but honest replies! This is exactly what I need. And it certainly does feel like having another dependant at times, this said I stupidly am no closer to a permanent decision although I will be sticking with the break for the mean time..... I need some head space.
It is hard though, I have no real family apart from my sister I don't talk to any of them, and also no real friends, I know this is probably why the relationship has lasted so long as I see him as family not just a partner. I do defiantly believe we could still be great friends as we have discussed this several times and agreed this is what we would want from such an outcome.

Daddy125 Sat 25-Nov-17 18:36:21

Been reading this post and My conclusion is that while you're at work getting your career sorted what's he doing seem like to me your asking for a bit to much u want a good dad and a man who loves u so much and sound like he'd walk on glass for u but it's not enough and have you ever thought that because you're successful in your work do u think you would actually be where you are now with out him I'm not saying stay and put up with it but explain what u want from him and if he loves you the way he said he will Charge no proplem dont just fuck him of staight away and people who have commented about his past are wrong seems like he's been out of trouble for a long time and can't judge people for stuff that happened in the past keep your head up girl and just tell him he seem okay from what u have said so maybe needs a kick up the ass and u must love him so just try first and the weed just tell him to get of it and grow up because if u know he can't afford it u shouldn't be saying it's okay to smoke I see both side and the bigger picture when u think about it what would u prefer a working useless dad who does nothing or someone who good dad,good boyfriend and does work because there's not many who do the stuff he does all ready just saying. and if he's your family and lover u need to me honest with him no matter what and the baby bit you need to tell him that's hush Expressionally that you've got a child with him and he's seem okay with u first one and getting married not massive now.just tell him clearly and your expectations will be met I bet you it sound like more then love and u need to tell him because can't help thinking u might regret it in the future.

Daddy125 Sat 25-Nov-17 18:48:52

Sorry not finished yet and would u lot be saying the same if it was the other way round 😉 Stupid people with there stupid comments she needed advice not u lot telling her he's a nobody loser etc like I said speak to the man and tell him what u expect from him hope this helps 😉

Schlimbesserung Sat 25-Nov-17 21:18:53

Why does he get through so many jobs? That and the drug use/lack of jobseeking effort would mean the end for me.
But what strikes me most is that you sound like you need a reason to leave. You really don't. You say that you feel something is missing, so he clearly isn't the love of your life. At some point you will either meet the man who is or at least be free to look for him, so staying together now would just be delaying the inevitable. He can still be a great dad (although I wouldn't count on it) if you split up.
While you are on this break you should think about ways to get out and meet more people too. It's much easier to spot unequal or frankly piss-taking relationships when you have people around you who care about you not being taken advantage of. You can have a great life and he can still be involved with your child.

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