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Old Chestnut - DH does no housework

(101 Posts)
boylovesmeerkats Sun 12-Nov-17 00:32:11

I'm so fed up of living with someone who does no cleaning. I love my husband very much, and I know in his head he thinks he does loads more than 'the average man' but the reality is that he does hardly anything. Yes he is quite good with the kids and does their bedtime, and drops my eldest off at school in the morning, but when he's doing bedtime I'm usually working (I work from home) and if he wasn't doing the school drop off he'd be sat in his pants drinking tea until 9am anyway.
He never hoovers, wipes, mops, never changes a sheet, cleans the bathroom, rarely washes clothes (and remembers to dry them) never buys food and he's gone from cooking regularly to maybe one decent home cooked meal a month.
How is this my life??! I bring it up now and again but he gets defensive and it never gets anywhere, his reaction is that I'm angling for an argument and we often have an argument and then I'm more exhausted from that than doing the housework.
I'm not getting a cleaner, for one we can't afford it, and for two I'm not paying another woman to clean the house when there is a perfectly fit and able man who could pull his weight.
Any advice? How do I bring this up for the millionth time without him going off on one.
I've tried not doing stuff, it doesn't really work. He would be willing to live in 'needing an obsessive compulsive cleaner tv programme' level of filth. Not only that but I'm in the house way more than him, so it's me that suffers. Tempting as it is to be out of the house all of the time, we have two boys that I'm pretty attached to.

Ilovechocolate111 Sun 12-Nov-17 00:35:44

Sounds like you got the same life as me lol.. my husband is exactly the same.. I also put a thread on here to see what people say and they all told me not to clean up or cook and also to put my foot down.
Well I did all the above and guess what it worked..... For about 3 days! Now I'm still back to square one.. For if you do fine any ideas I will be more than interested to try it out. I think men are lazy pigs and expect the world to evolve around them! gringrin good luck xx

OldWitch00 Sun 12-Nov-17 00:40:55

Does he do car or home maintenance?
Mows the lawn, seeds, fertilizes etc.
Who cleans the outside windows and gutters? Takes out the garbage?
Changes car oil or filters and tires?

Kr1st1na Sun 12-Nov-17 00:45:40

Yeah OP , reseeding the lawn once every couple of years is totally the same as all housework, laundry, cooking and shopping.

And don’t forget that taking out the bins ( as we call it here in the UK ) cant be done in less that 10 hours a week.

MinervaSaidThar Sun 12-Nov-17 00:45:40

I would not cook for him or wash his clothes.

I left my husband's dishes on the counter, even when it took him a week to wash them. Any rubbish he leaves on the floor stays there.

There are things he does without being asked (like the bathroom which he cleans weekly and thoroughly) but I find I still have to start dusting/hoovering before he'll do his half.

If I cook, I leave the dishes him for him.

GreenTulips Sun 12-Nov-17 00:46:24

Make a list
Daily
Weekly
Monthly

Put it up in the wall and tick it off as you go

Let him visually see the list

All those 'invisible jobs' like Hoover stairs, mop floors, clean toilets kid tho unnoticed even when you do them

Ceebs85 Sun 12-Nov-17 00:48:04

I have no advice...my life is the same but I really think we create these men. My DP have been together 4 years nearly 5. He lived alone for 6yrs before meetint me. His flat was pristine. Now he does the bare minimum and I have to ask him if I want something done.

How does this happen?!

ahhhsalmonskinroll Sun 12-Nov-17 00:50:27

I’d flat out tell him to pick up his game or I’ll LTB. I won’t be anyone’s maid, no matter how much I love them. It’s a clear sign of disrespect and having no interest in whether all the extra work makes your life harder and less enjoyable.

boylovesmeerkats Sun 12-Nov-17 00:53:16

Does he do car or home maintenance?
No, I recently decorated our dining room including all the sanding, picture hanging, drilling, whatever. The garage do the cars.

Mows the lawn, seeds, fertilizes etc.
No, I also mow the lawn, plant grass seeds and scarify it because some days I love the lawn more than my husband.

Who cleans the outside windows and gutters?
The window cleaner who I found, pay and chat to. Maybe I could run off with him!

Takes out the garbage?
Yeah, he does that. It takes 5 minutes a week and I often have to remind him.

Changes car oil or filters and tires?
The garage.

OldWitch00 Sun 12-Nov-17 00:53:50

I’m happy to do the inside jobs with the help of machines in exchange for change of tires twice a year. Gutters and all outdoor jobs. Cleaning the glass front of the gas fire place is a gross job. Lots of other mucky jobs on his list....getting fresh manure tilling the garden etc.

ahhhsalmonskinroll Sun 12-Nov-17 00:55:48

That list is friggin ridiculous. You have a child not a husband. Get rid.

ineedaholidaynow Sun 12-Nov-17 00:57:40

I find this so sad.

I hope parents of sons are not bringing them up to think and act like this. I have a DS and he sees both parents actively involved in work around the house. He is also slowly being taught all the skills he will need to run a house. I would be so disappointed in him if, as an adult, he expected his partner to do all the housework.

boylovesmeerkats Sun 12-Nov-17 01:06:13

Thanks everyone, maybe you're not all in the uk but I'm amazed so many people are awake. Or maybe you're up with babies! I usually sleep well but not tonight.

Minerva - I don't think I'd mind so much IF he did the bathroom. We've lived in this house for 2 years and I think he's cleaned it once or twice..

Green Tulips - That's a great idea! Slightly passive aggressive but I've not tried that. I once made some sort of spreadsheet but a tick off list on the fridge is a better idea.

Ceebs - I do think you're right. His life is soooo comfortable why change it. I haven't purposefully done it, but I think in caring for an nurturing the boys (under 5) by having clean clothes for them, home cooked meals and an organised home I've also made it very comfortable for my husband.

LondonLassInTheCountry Sun 12-Nov-17 01:16:57

My partner is unwell at the moment. But his mum trained him well.

He did most things apart from changing bed and dusting

Does do:
Fed cat
Do litter tray
Bins
Make dinner
Hoover
Clean floors
Clean bathrooms
Shopping
General Chores
Pack / un pack dish washer
Folding and putting away clothes

Im very lucky

boylovesmeerkats Sun 12-Nov-17 01:17:18

Ineedaholidaynow worst of all is that we have two boys they're only small but I want to break this cycle so much. I would be mortified if their future partner is one day feeling like this. I keep thinking it'll be easier when they're older (they're only 2 and 4 at the moment) and then I can get them all doing chores, and I'll be out of the house more working so it can all be in a better balance.

In my case though my dad is way more domesticated than my mum. He's a great cook, really clean and tidy (just a nightmare in other ways and they're divorced) but my brother makes my husband look good.

LondonLassInTheCountry Sun 12-Nov-17 01:22:39

The children can help around the house though.

Little things like:
Putting things in the washing machine.
Taking them out.
Helping put clothes on clothes horse.
Putting own clothes in laudry bin
Picking up plates and cups of theres and putting them in kitchen
Tiding up toys etc...

LittleKiwi Sun 12-Nov-17 01:23:21

Wow... I’m pretty horrified. I would find a decent time to sit him down and go through the list of things that need doing in order to divide them up. You can then have the conversation re: what needs doing and how often. If you could get a cleaner to help, what’s left over should be divided fairly.

I would make it very clear how unhappy this is making you and let him know what will happen if he doesn’t sort his shit out. It’s easy for me to say, but I would be pretty blunt and say that if he doesn’t pull his weight around the house, you are either going to stop working to have the time to do his share (if that’s something you would be happy to do) or you are going to leave.

Not a partnership. You have my sympathy. I’m a SAHM with a cleaner and my DP does a hell of a lot more than yours.

juliej00ls Sun 12-Nov-17 01:31:24

Feel your pain. Hubby is great st project style tasks but not weekly “grunt work”’as I call it. I’m about to get a cleaner. I don’t see this as an indulgence. If he feels the cleaner is too much money he will have to spend one whole hour cleaning a week. Unlikely!

oldlaundbooth Sun 12-Nov-17 01:45:13

Definitely a moonlight flit with the window cleaner.

OldWitch00 Sun 12-Nov-17 02:03:48

We are both fully retired and our deligstion of tasks works for us. In the kitchen he makes fresh bread weekly, and has taken on vacuuming the whole house daily (dust allergy prone). I really appreciate never having to fuel the car or check the windshield fluid or change the blades twice a year. Christmas lights up and down and all the yard work.
It works for us and obviously several of our friends who have similar splits.

ReanimatedSGB Sun 12-Nov-17 03:17:24

Have you tried telling him that it's difficult to feel any sexual desire for someone who is demonstrating that he regards you as his servant? Or is he as lazy and uninterested when it comes to sex?

TammySwansonTwo Sun 12-Nov-17 04:44:48

Blimey. I've had some issues with my husband but nothing like this. Yesterday he did a thorough clean and tidy of the downstairs while I spent time sorting out the twins clothes, today he's doing upstairs while I sell a load of stuff or send it to charity - we've had a really tough couple of weeks and it's all gone to shit, and I'm so exhausted and running round after them that I've barely had time to tidy as a I go let alone actually clean. Having two pairs of hands makes it so much more manageable.

I agree with either a chores sheet on the wall, or writing a list of everything that has to be done, highlighting what you do and asking him if he feels this is acceptable. It's such a bad lesson for your sons - I have a brother who's nearly 30 and can barely use a washing machine, I'm not letting my sons be like that, and you don't want them to grow up thinking men do nothing at home while women do everything.

Cavender Sun 12-Nov-17 04:53:29

Have you tried sitting down with him when you aren’t actively furious with him?

When you are both calm?

Write out a list of all the jobs and mark who does what and show it to him.

You need to tell him exactly how unloved, unappreciated and disrespected you feel about this. Not as a spur of the moment fight but as a long term serious issue.

There an article called something like “divorced because I left dishes by the sink” It’s written by a man. Worth a read, it might help order your thoughts.

Megthehen Sun 12-Nov-17 05:00:52

Lived in this house for over a decade. My DH has never cleaned bathroom, kitchen floor, doesnt "do gardening", doesnt buy bed linen, towels, crockery, white goods, doesnt iron, dust, vacuums twice a year, does the bins (doesnt buy bin bags and other cleaning materials- my fun shopping task). Also no DIY - not interested. I made a list once and it made him mad..he started adding things he did ie washing up (50/50) on this..ended up feeling like a nag.

RebeccaBunch Sun 12-Nov-17 06:36:30

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

Here's the article.

I don't have any advice op. But from my experience this will ruin your relationship if he doesn't sort his shut out with regards to housework. You haven't mentioned the mental load/emotional labour but I bet you are doing all that too. It's really bloody grim.

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

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