Advanced search

Grateful for any advice

(5 Posts)
Namechangeasbad Sun 12-Nov-17 00:00:40

So name changed
Simply because I am ashamed
Long term user at times / lurker . Have seen amazing advice given by amazing people on here ..finally found courage to ask myself so please could you be gentle as coping again just .

It's long
I am sorry
But drip feed won't help
I am grateful for any advice

I have lovely Ds 11
Divorced his dad 7 years ago after long relationship then marriage . Abusive husband who I concede had a difficult upbringing I feel is much responsible . Old news , survived , moved on . X husband high earner and received substantial monthly maintenaince ordered by courts . ( certainly not offered by xdh )

Ds went to his dad 2 weekends a month
Maintenaince covered mortgage and basic living

Ds has asd diagnosis , I couldn't return to former employment as a result of my injury sustained from domestic violence .

I retrained and now work part time, this paid for extra like school trips and Ds therapy .

Ex dh finally found a way to get out of maintenaince payments September 2016
He left his well paid city job to start up own business . He manages private wealth so adverse with legal loopholes . On paper his company running at at a loss although he pays 6 employees . I have struggled to pay a solicitor and forensic accountant . Both have said this is clearly what he has done but difficult to prove . He has only paid a lowly fraction of maintenaince since then .
I had to remortge and rack up credit card debt . Every time we are due to appear in family court he gets away with non appearance or a loophole.

Ex dh met a new partner
Lovely woman
Bit weird for me initially but she was and is such a lovely person and such a great step mum I became fond of her
My sons baby half brother came along and my Ds adores him .lovel baby . You couldn't not want to protect him trust me
The relationship broke down when xdh became abusive towards her
She has since left him, and after a period of staying with us ( a pleasure actually ) she has returned to her home country and her families help .
Ds heartbroken .
Because of Ds witnessing his dad abuse of his "step mum " .. verbal and physical he rebelled at school ,bullied another child and was ultimately suspended .
School were exceptionally supportive as were local education authority son saw cahms for months . Back to his former happy , lovely self but steadfastedly refuses to see his father

I Met now ex partner of 5 years
Devastating breakup for me emotionally , over last Xmas Dec 2016 at same time Ds going through it
Haven't seen his children I was close to since . It's taken me 11 months to start to heal .
Breakup mostly due to his ex wife's actions . She accused me of sexually grooming his children , behaved appallingly towards my son, and made an allegation of benefit fraud against me . Which is still under investigation .i also suffered a late miscarriage . She refused to hand over children before several planned weekends and holidays distressing them. I broke up with xdh as I couldn't cope with his lack of support over above . Attempts I made to wave olive branches at her failed .
In his defence the poor guy was always torn between appeasing her and I . So destructive for all 4 children I felt I had to walk .
It was heartbreaking .

2 months later I was involved in a serious driving accident
I broke my neck and was hospitalised for weeks .
It wasn't great but my amazing family and friends rallied round to care for my Ds
After seeing such tragedy on a spinal unit I left feeling incredibly lucky

June 2017 this year ex partners ex wives allegations caught up with me
Received court summons
Pleaded not guilty at advice of lawyer
Got legal aid due to income
Case adjourned for trial next spring

Ok so here's the shamefulness
And I am ashamed of myself

I couldn't cope
I fell apart up to eyeballs in debt
Lent money and supported by amazing friends and family
Felt abandoned by ex partner
Begged for his support and didn't get
Felt like piece of scum in court

Became depressed
Deeply depressed
Couldn't leave house
Felt so ashamed
As far as I can see I filled a form out incorrectly .lawyer concurs
It's 7k
My family offered to repay for me
My mind was elsewhere so much and it was far from intentional
I am extremely sorry
But would never intentionally do this .

Then I am so deeply ashamed to say I begun drinking
Never had a drink problem in my life
Always been very health and conscience , calorie conscience . Former model , then a single mother always aware because of my sons health issues I could need to drive him to a&he in night

I august I was drinking a bottle or 2 a day
Then the unthinkable happened
I drove to the end of my road one evening to buy milk for morning
There's a pub en route
Got pulled over at random
Failed standard breathe test by 3 points ( its 40 I was 43 )
Arrested , put in cell , felt suicidal and alone .

I have stoped drinking Now
Been going to aa
Borrowed 6k from friends to pay solicitior to help me
Trying to take back control my life
Horrified and ashamed I could have hurt somebody having endured this myself .

Need my drivers license
Am self employed
My income is all we have
Have to drive Ds to school

I know I am not a refugee
Not living in a war zone
There are so many people worse off
I am alive and healthy
Have amazing family and friends
And most importantly my son

But I am struggling
Any advice on maintenaince
Benefit case
Drink driving
Life with a criminal record .

So much appreciated
I have been close to suicide at times

FreshStartToday Sun 12-Nov-17 00:17:20

Oh my goodness. No expertise here but didn't want to read and run.

You have been through so much. It's not surprising that you turned to drink or have considered suicide after going through so much. What is surprising, I think, is your lack of self pity, your willingness to admit to your mistakes, and your positive steps to move forward positively. Your love for your ds shines through, and your compassion for other people, too.

Your family were there for you when you needed them, to lend you the money for a fresh start. AA have been there for you (though it's your efforts at getting there that have made that happen) and they will continue to be there for you. You survived that awful accident and have recovered by the sound of it. You will get your driving licence back at some stage and be able to run your business.

Words of encouragement are all that I can offer as a stranger. Hopefully someone will be along who can offer you the legal advice or benefit advice you need (there is a legal section on MN. You might like to ask MN to move your thread there - or just copy and paste it and start a new thread in legal.)

In the meantime, lean on your family and friends whenever you can. Very best of luck to you and to your ds.

Namechangeasbad Sun 12-Nov-17 00:25:11

Thankyou fresh start xx

springydaffs Sun 12-Nov-17 00:58:47

No advice but much love flowers

Angelf1sh Sun 12-Nov-17 06:53:11

Everything I say below is based on what I’d say if you were in the uk but I don’t think you can be as you say the standard breath test limit is 40 and in the uk it’s 35 (in fact in Scotland it’s 22) so the below might not be helpful but the principles might still work. If you are in the uk then you’re minimising the seriousness of what you did - you weren’t just over the limit, you were almost 50% over (in Scotland you’d be double) so you might want to have a chat with your AA sponsor about denial etc.

You are almost certainly going to be banned from driving, there are cases where extreme hardship can prevent a ban so it’s worth setting it all out before the court but it’s rare, so you need to start putting arrangements in place now. As your son has a disability, it may be possible that the council has a duty under the equalities act to get him transport into school - give them a ring. For work you’re goibg to neee to look into possible car pooling or public transport.

With the benefits claim, if you’re definitely confident that you are not entitled to the money, it’s just the dishonesty you dispute then I’d strongly advise paying the money back now, or at least start the instalments, it’ll look better for you at trial. I’d also speak to your solicitor to check that you shouldn’t be pleading guilty to this as it will depend entirely on what you did and what you’re charged with but dishonesty isn’t always necessary for wrongful benefit payment charges. You may find at trial it’s inevitable you’ll be convicted the second you accept you filled out the form incorrectly and then you’ll have lost the chance of credit for an early guilty plea. Obviously I don’t know what you’re charged with here or what legal advice you’ve been given so I’ve no idea whether you’re at risk of this, but speaking to your solicitor again can’t hurt.

Now, regarding your solicitor, why on Earth are you paying £6,000 for him? If you’re in as much debt as you say, you might well qualify for legal aid, have you checked?

Good luck op, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: