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Ex husband and DD10

(17 Posts)
Chucklecheeksagain Sat 11-Nov-17 11:21:32

My ex told me last week that the reason his relationship is breaking down with our DD is because I have turned her in to me.

Ex was verbally, financially and emotionally abusive. I've spent the last two years getting over this with the help of counselling etc. Feel stronger, calmer and loved.

He got caught cheating and moved straight in with OW introducing the kids within weeks.

My DD struggled, school arranged a key worker and counselling and the main aim was to empower her to deal with her dad.

She is amazing. She has also realised what her dad is like. It's heartbreaking. I've never said a bad work about him or his girlfriend. I'm always positive. I've encouraged their relationship on every level and only ever discussed the truth of what happened in an age appropriate manner when asked specific question. As recommended by her counsellor.

The final straw came when she was ill on his weekend and he didn't let her out of her bedroom as he didn't want to catch it. She asked to come home so her dropped her off early and took DS to a family party as 'she didn't deserve to go and if she was after sympathy she should get it from her mum'.

How do I keep trying to encourage this relationship when in my heart I know he is causing her distress? It goes against every instinct in my body.

Poshindevon Sat 11-Nov-17 11:26:06

You do not say how old ypur daughter is. Is she old enough to decide if she still wants to see her father? Can the counsellor help with this?

Poshindevon Sat 11-Nov-17 11:27:37

Sorry I just saw her age is 10. If she does not want to go to see her father please dont force her.

MrsBertBibby Sat 11-Nov-17 11:29:00

You don't. He doesn't like women, and she is turning into one before his eyes. Nasty vindictive little shit.

If he wants a relationship, let him take it to court. If she wants to see him, let her. If she doesn't, support her in that. Don't badmouth him, but don't lie for him either, your daughter deserves to have her wishes and experience heard and respected.

endofthelinefinally Sat 11-Nov-17 11:33:38

Dont make her see him.
He is abusive.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Nov-17 11:46:22

Do not encourage their relationship or make her see him. She is a child and she should not have to deal with someone like her abuser father. If he wants to see her then he can go to the courts for access. He is as vile to her as he was to you when you were together, he has not fundamentally changed. He still wants to control you and in turn she. Such men hate women, all of them and your daughter is becoming a young woman.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Nov-17 11:48:21

You have co-operated; abusers like he never co-operate.

I would also suggest that if you have not enrolled on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid then you should do this asap. Men like you describe really do mess with boundaries and yours perhaps still need work.

RedastheRose Sat 11-Nov-17 12:04:09

Yes don't force her to do something she doesn't want to. It is awful to see the damage men like this can cause to their own children. My eldest who is an adult is nc with her father, my youngest (13) is supposed to see him twice a week but he constantly cancels or tries to change arrangements to suit himself. She is now wise to this and when he cancels she generally refuses to change the arrangements as he can't make her a priority even though it's only tea twice a week! I tried my best to keep some sort of relationship going between them but he's shown his true colours to her too many times.

mamas12 Sat 11-Nov-17 13:19:13

I would also keep an eye on your son, you do t say how old he is but you do t want him 'turning into him' to use his own words

Hermonie2016 Sat 11-Nov-17 14:31:55

Just because he says it, doesn't make it true.
Men like him never take responsibility, it will always be someone else to blame.He seems to lack any compassion so I doubt he will improve.

You need to grieve for the fact your daughter doesn't have the father you hoped for her.I know as am going through similar.

You also need firm boundaries, if he emails say you are keen to help dd have a good relationship with him but it's his responsibility to treat her in a way that makes her feel comfortable in his care.

That's all you can do, plus support your dd to know that she deserves to he heard.

HebeJeeby Sat 11-Nov-17 18:45:24

It’s a good thing your daughter has turned into you, that means she’s a strong, young lady who won’t put up with being abused by an idiot. Your ex just doesn’t like the fact that she’s cottoned onto him too.

DukesofHazzard Sat 11-Nov-17 21:03:09

How do I keep trying to encourage this relationship when in my heart I know he is causing her distress? It goes against every instinct in my body

You don't. If DD wants to see him, fine. If she doesn't, fine too. If he rings to give you more shit if DD decides she doesn't want to see him-ignore him.

donners312 Sat 11-Nov-17 21:25:38

Agree with PP - he doesn't like the fact hat she has cottoned on to him!

Of course it's not his fault - it will always be yours.

file it in the bin!!

Chucklecheeksagain Sat 11-Nov-17 21:35:57

Thank you for the replies. I've done the freedom programme and going back for topup counselling soon. I felt myself falling backwards and 'pity' and unrealistic expectations for him creeping back in.

We are virtually non contact as I am not allowed to know where he lives or contact him regarding the children. I was 'allowed' to communicate through my DM but it was too much pressure for her and she isn't his secretary.

It was another way of controlling me. Each and every battle I have with him makes me more determined to not role over for an easy life. He isn't the victim that he paints himself to be.

He now writes letters with my 'instructions' of what he expects for the next year.

At the moment she wants to continue seeing him. He has apologised but I recognised the well trod pattern of him reacting in his best interest.

all I feel I can do it make myself stronger and pass this to both of the DC. My son will not grow to be like him. Four nights a month isn't enough for him to learn the behaviour and my family and friends ensure he has positive healthy male role models.

It's just horrid seeing the same pattern I went though with my daughter.

As someone said thank god she is like me. It's taken 18 months for me to realise this is a good thing.

MinervaSaidThar Sat 11-Nov-17 21:36:10

I would stop encouraging the relationship and let DD decide the course.

Chucklecheeksagain Sat 11-Nov-17 21:48:58

Maybe encourage is the wrong word, I support her decisions. She is a very emotionally intelligent 10 year old who articulates herself very well.

It's why her DD doesn't know how to handle her. Handle is his word.

She has told him until she is comfortable she will not spend xmas day at his house. He has told everyone that I have stopped him seeing them. He even told the children I had stopped them going. But the children know I have told them I will support them in their decision.

He wanted a week with one parent over xmas and Boxing Day and a week with the other parent for new year week.

DD said that was too much, every xmas since the children were born we have spent it at my parents with extended family. DD had said she wants to carry on doing that until she is comfortable at her Dads home. Ive explained that her dad would like her staying with him xmas eve etc but because he wants her there for the week she has said that's too much. She also says that she doesn't feel welcome unless it's a perfect weekend. The weekend she was ill he told her she had ruined it for everyone else as they couldn't do anything. He then said she should of stayed with me and came out with the sympathy comment I mentioned in my OP.

He is pushing her away.

MinervaSaidThar Sat 11-Nov-17 22:25:13

She does sound very emotionally intelligent, and I hope she and your DS come through this well. I think you're handling the situation well.

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