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A year and I’m still not over it.

(19 Posts)
Anonymoususer1938 Sat 11-Nov-17 11:19:56

.....a break up that is.
I know in the grand scheme of things it’s inconsequential but it has occupied more of my thoughts than I’d like it to.
It was an on and off relationship for a few years and my ex ended it on several occasions. I’m not sure who ended it the last time as it was an argument , though I suspect it was them. I was given a total character assassination to boot. Not nice.
I’ve been no contact since the break and have been on lots of dates and even had a couple of short flings.
Yet I still can’t get the ex out of my mind. I sometimes think I spend too much time lurking on forums like this looking for similar stories that may help me. Perhaps it prolongs the pain?
I’d just like to know if anyone has been through similar? I tried a counselling session and wasn’t impressed with the counsellor and I can’t really afford it anyway.
Just feel a bit stuck and would like thoughts of my ex to go away now.

MissConductUS Sat 11-Nov-17 11:22:47

Was it possibly the character assassination more than the break up that's still bothering you?

Anonymoususer1938 Sat 11-Nov-17 11:27:06

Maybe. Some horrible things were texted to me. Unjustified things too.
Yet I still miss my ex.
I’m not angry or racked with guilt, which I know are things which can keep a person anchored in negative thoughts.
I suppose it hurts that I felt I gave a lot of love and obviously this person not only didn’t feel the same way (even though I thought they did) but apparently didn’t even like me.

MissConductUS Sat 11-Nov-17 11:51:59

First, I'm sorry this is still causing you pain.

Did he possibly have someone else waiting in the wings? That might explain why he turned on you so completely.

Anonymoususer1938 Sat 11-Nov-17 12:19:05

I have no idea. I’ve been no contact for a year now and know nothing about them as I also don’t check their social media etc.

MissConductUS Sat 11-Nov-17 12:30:47

There's an old saying (at least here) that the best way to get over one man is to get under another, but you've tried that.

Loving someone as you did is always risky. I think that almost every woman has been through a painful breakup, but I don't know why it's proven so difficult for you to move on. For me, it was always 2-3 months before I was really over it. All the more puzzling since it was an on and off relationship. I've always found it very hard to restart relationships that have ended.

How long has it been since the break up?

tygr Sat 11-Nov-17 12:35:32

Depends on the intensity of feelings I think and it’s difficult when a relationship ends that had a lot of good things going for it and you still love the other person.

I had a relationship that took me years to get over - same for her - but we both started seeing other people eventually. I know there’s no way I’d want to be back in that relationship. With distance and time I can see the flaws in it.

Perhaps focus on what it was about the relationship that you miss so you can focus on how to meet those needs in other ways and less on the person. Clearly the person wasn’t the right person for you to spend your life with but has helped to teach you what matters to you in relationships.

MeganBacon Sat 11-Nov-17 12:42:58

It doesn't sound like you have been paralysed with pain over it though, just that thoughts are lurking and you'd rather they didn't. When a relationship ends with an argument, it can leave you wondering if those things were actually true or if they were just said in anger and in fact there were other reasons. But it's best not to contact him to get that closure, just accept that there are things we never understand and in time, our heads fill with other more pressing thoughts. The truth may just be that he's an idiot and there's nothing more to understand. Keep doing what you are doing, it just takes longer.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 11-Nov-17 12:50:14

The fact that you were on again, off again is probably contributing to how hard you’re finding it. Ordinarily this off would be followed by another on but this time it’s not coming. So I can see why it might take longer to feel in your bones.

Keep doing what you’re doing - you just need more time.

Plus it takes some people much longer to get over painful things than others, and that’s ok.

Anonymoususer1938 Sat 11-Nov-17 12:55:11

Thanks. I was really hurt initially but yes, it’s just the repetitive thoughts that trouble me now.
It’s a weird feeling. I’ll never in a million years initiate contact with my ex for whatever reason, yet I’d probably be delighted to hear from them.
Makes me vulnerable I suppose.

userxx Sat 11-Nov-17 13:21:17

Intrusive thoughts can turn into a habit very easily, the longer you let them go on the harder they are to break. No advice really, I'm someone who gets stuck so know how difficult it is. Would love to be a shrug it off person.

Anonymoususer1938 Sat 11-Nov-17 14:50:19

Yes this is what I don’t quite understand about myself.
I’ve enough will power and I’m mentally tough enough to stick to no contact and refrain from the temptation of looking them up, yet I can’t seem to stop myself having these intrusive thoughts.

User452734838 Sat 11-Nov-17 15:13:11

Bad partners are like class A drugs I think. You know they are damaging to you but once you get hooked it's hard to break away. Even when you do, you are always tempted to want more.

Abusive behaviour which is what he showed you is hard to get over especially when they end it and throw a character assassination to boot.

Shayelle Sat 11-Nov-17 15:16:44

Its just habit. In time it will pass flowers

Anonymoususer1938 Mon 13-Nov-17 08:15:34

Thank you everyone. I suppose I do half expect to hear from ex as that has been the previous pattern though this is longest break. The others were about 6 months.
Perhaps my monkey brain has been conditioned to expect it and therefore subconsciously I’m anticipating to hear from them and this is preventing me from moving on? Maybe I need a ritual of some sort? I’ve previously been dismissive of this but it may trigger something in my brain.
An acceptance that it’s over maybe?

Anonymoususer1938 Mon 13-Nov-17 08:36:42

Or maybe I should contact them in some way? I don’t know what I’d say. I never received an apology for the character assassination I received at the end. I know I can’t ask for that as it has to be forthcoming but I was shocked by it and still wonder why it was said.

ALittleBitConfused1 Mon 13-Nov-17 08:49:52

No don't contact them. That will just stir up old feelings and start the merry go round all over again. Or worse, he won't respond then you will be left feeling even worse. You don't need an apology, you know what you are, the horrible things he said to you were simply designed to cause you pain. If any of what he said was true then work on those things. If it was just insults designed to make him feel better about the way he was acting then an apology is worthless and will validate nothing.
Be really honest with yourself about what is bothering you so much then deal with that. Closure is overrated and no matter what we think/expect, can very rarely be provided by anyone other than ourselves.
Once you have considered and acknowledged why you are still thinking about this relationship/person/break up then you can target the problem, accept the way you feel and move on with it. What you discover about why there are unresolved feelings may surprise/enlighten you.

ALittleBitConfused1 Mon 13-Nov-17 08:51:56

Also dating others probably won't help. Forcing yourself to feel a certain way about someone new when you haven't dealt with the old feelings usually makes you feel worse, and actually just makes us think of the ex even more. Easier said than done though I know. You'll be fine op.xx

Anonymoususer1938 Mon 13-Nov-17 09:40:54

Thank you, your post almost made me cry as it’s so perceptive and motivational. You’re right, there’s obviously some reason I’m holding on to this so much and yes, the dating hasn’t worked because I still find it hard to see myself in a new relationship with anyone. I think I’m probably trying too hard to forget. I do all these things like dating, exercise etc and feel frustrated when I find myself still thinking about my ex. Also I do still love this person and can’t change my feelings so perhaps I should just accept that. I don’t have to act on it though. I have read a few self help books and they’re useful but perhaps they’ve made me build the whole thing up in my mind as they are still reminders as I know the reason I’m reading them is because of my break up.
I don’t know if that all makes sense but it does help writing it down.

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