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I don't think my husband realises the sacrifices I've had to make

(61 Posts)
darkcloudlooming Sat 11-Nov-17 10:27:32

I’m fed up
Me and my husband have kids ( not going to say how many) but youngest is 17 months. We were supposed to go out for our 11 year wedding anniversary tonight, my mum was to babysit ( even tho she wants them in bed before we leave as she can’t cope otherwise) and she’s still in her 40s so not elderly) but I’ve had to cancel because my 17 month old still gets up several times a night crying for us and to come into our bed. We have tried to sort this issue letting him cry but nothing works and only thing that settles is him coming to my bed for a cuddle then me taking him back to his bed. So I can’t go out knowing he will do this all night and my mum won’t be able to settle him, she would just text me all night telling me he’s crying this and that and he wouldn’t settle for her as he doesn’t like her because he doesn’t know her. She doesn’t come and visit often and only the odd time she will come) we don’t have anyone else to babysit for us and I wouldn’t trust a stranger ( I struggle trusting ppl)
I just feel so fed up because he doesn’t seem bothered because he got all his friends to go out with anytime and I have none. He doesn’t realise everything I’ve given up to have kids.
I have no job, No friends and no way of changing my life and he knows that because I have no one reliable in my life.

endofthelinefinally Sat 11-Nov-17 10:31:44

What would you like to do?
Find a job?
Retrain?
I did both when my youngest was a year old.
It was tough but worth it.
I found a child minder and worked through it.
Have you considered a sleep consultant to sort out your dc's sleep?

PotteringAlong Sat 11-Nov-17 10:33:36

You can change the no job thing though. Is there a reason why you can't work?

Greedynan Sat 11-Nov-17 10:37:20

I've been there with those might wakings and it's generally mummy that has to deal with it.

You know this phase will pass.

You are disappointed because you were meant to be going out tonight and I'll bet that rarely happens for you. I'd be fkd off too 😞

I think you need to do something just for you - maybe a little job or a course. In terms of time with your DH, is your youngest in nursery? Could you have day dates with DH? I know it's not the same and it kinda sucks but in another year your youngest will be different again and easier. Another year after that and you'll be able to do all nighters with your DH (not that you'll have the energy 😜).

Also, do you have any friends? Could you have and afternoon or even a night away with your mates leaving DH to hold the fort? It's so important that you get some time out xx

ShatnersWig Sat 11-Nov-17 10:43:45

Presumably you chose to have children and it was your choice to either give things up or put them on hold for a while? Is there more going on here than you're telling us?

BackforGood Sat 11-Nov-17 10:49:20

Not sacrifices you've 'had' to make, sacrifices you've 'chosen' to make. No-one loves a martyr.
There is a whole list of things you've put in your OP, which we could tackle separately, from the not having a job, to choosing not to let anyone else babysit, to you choosing not to go out and join something / make friends, to the question of why you have no friends at this stage in your life, right through to the sleeping issues and you bringing your dc into your bed.
Which do you want help with particularly?

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 Sat 11-Nov-17 10:52:54

So he has friends and you don't, and you're pissed off with him because of that?

Shiftymake Sat 11-Nov-17 10:53:33

My ds was not much older then yours when dgps had him for a day and night. She co slept with him to keep him settled through the night and that worked well. Just a thought.

darkcloudlooming Sat 11-Nov-17 10:58:05

No I’m pissed off because having children wasn’t just what I wanted, parenting is a two way thing, why should I make all the sacrifices?

Lesley1980 Sat 11-Nov-17 11:01:44

Do you not trust him to look after the kids either? Some of your problems could be solved with support from your husband. If he looked after the kids you could go to classes, gym, retrain, shopping, work, whatever.

Your husband only has freedom because you look after the kids. You need him to do the same for you.

Whataboutmeee Sat 11-Nov-17 11:01:49

Surely your mum wouldn't have to cope for a whole night? Could you go out and get back for 11pm or 12 say. I'm sure your child would sleep for some of that period. If your mum is willing to do it then take her up on it and let her get on with it.

Bruceishavingfish Sat 11-Nov-17 11:03:16

What sacrifices have you had to make that he hasnt?

The fact that you dont have friends, doesnt mean he has to give his up.

But can he do something so you can make friends? Does he refuse to have the kids so you can join a hobby or similar?

Did he make you give up work? Or did you decide together or is it what you wanted?

Being solely responsible for the familues finances isnt a walk in the park.

It is coming across as martyr behaviour

Greedynan Sat 11-Nov-17 11:03:43

You're right op. It's a 2 way thing. Has DH suggested anything re babysitter for tonight at all? Could your mum babysit during the day and you have a nice lunch with DH? I know it's really hard to carve time for just the 2 of you. You have to snatch bits of time here and there... it's tough but it will change over time I promise!!!

timeisnotaline Sat 11-Nov-17 11:05:09

When does your dh look after the kids? If he doesn't that is a problem and you need to fix it. Also, I don't let my dh say I'm going out when I'm at home with small children , he has to say I'd like to go out are you ok to sole parent that night? Because it never occurred to him that he was committing me as well as him every time he planned something.

corythatwas Sat 11-Nov-17 11:08:38

What you don't explain is exactly why you are the one making all the sacrifices. Why isn't part of that your husband's job? Is he willing to do some of the work of training your son to go to him for comfort? Are you willing to do some of that work?

If you struggle trusting strangers, why do you hold that against your husband? Has he caused it? Is he the one telling you you mustn't trust a stranger? Or are you resenting him for something that is really your problem?

What have you done about building up a friendship circle? Are there any groups you could join taking your 17mo with you.

Is there something about your husband you're not telling us or where does the resentment come from? Does he pull his weight with the housework? Does he interact with the children? Does he regard childcare as your job?

missyB1 Sat 11-Nov-17 11:09:57

OP I get you, I have also made a lot of sacrifices and DH's career certainly wouldn't be where it is now if I hadn't enabled that by becoming a sahp for a few years.
As for the night out, I think your mum should just co sleep with the youngest, its only one night, would it really be that hard for her?! My eldest has just got married and I cant wait to be a grandma, and i will jump at the chance to babysit whenever they ask!

ravenmum Sat 11-Nov-17 11:42:26

I don't understand why you arranged for your mum to babysit, already knowing that she couldn't do it at night. Is there a reason why you didn't arrange the date for a weekend lunch or early evening?

I also know what you mean about making sacrifices and partners not appreciating it. My ex made it impossible for me to work in my old job again by simply not turning up at home when he was due to look after the kids. Do you have that kind of trouble?

Cricrichan Sat 11-Nov-17 12:37:56

Hi op. I think you should either look into getting a job or start going to the gym or a class. It means that your oh will have to look after the kids then and realise how hard it is, as well as giving you a chance to recharge, meet people and have fun and get more confidence.

I don't understand why a grandmother in her 40s can't look after a clingy toddler for one night though! But if that's the case, you should have just gone out for dinner and come back before midnight

Pinkpillows Sat 11-Nov-17 13:12:29

Do you OP appreciate what your OH does tho?

Sounds like you resent him for having the freedom when he works and the fact he's got friends

cushioncovers Sat 11-Nov-17 13:22:06

Make a decision to not have anymore children. And start to look towards making some time for yourself in the future. Put a plan in place it will make you feel better. In the meantime remember the night waking will pass.

darkcloudlooming Sat 11-Nov-17 13:29:24

@Pinkpillows yes I do resent him for working and having friends.. because he can only do that so much because I SAHM with the kids . If I worked he would have to help pay for childcare, he wouldn’t have so I had freedom to go out on a whim ( he tells me last minute about nights out with friends) and if he didn’t do half the things he does I would have free time but I guess it’s life and it’s my life and I chose to look after kids.

I can’t plan a day ‘date’ with him because my mum wouldn’t cope with the kids in the day and she wouldn’t look after my toddler properly she would just let them run riot.. honestly she’s so unreliable. The only way she can baby sit is sit in whilst they are all asleep all night! I wish I would have put my foot down earlier with my husband because I let him control our life it’s not worked out on his favour and I’m left in this position.

darkcloudlooming Sat 11-Nov-17 13:35:59

@Pinkpillows the way you worded that is a way where it is acceptable that one parent has the Work and the social life and it’s ok the other has nothing and I should be grateful because he pays the rent ?? That’s not how parenting should be. I would absolutely love to be the breadwinner and have a life, trust me that’s the easiest. The woman who have an equal marriage are so lucky. You hear about mums complaining they have to work but they don’t realise how lucky they are. This isn’t by choice trust me. Because my husband is more ‘dominant’ and more confident than me it has worked out that he paved his way in this marriage. He never took any steps to help with childcare. I tell you one example
I asked him a few years ago for him to take 2 set days off work so I can go back to work or study.. he said no sorry Work won’t allow me to work any set days.. a year later he put a request in a at work to get Thursdays off so he could go to university..

darkcloudlooming Sat 11-Nov-17 13:37:09

@cushioncovers I definitely won’t be having any more children..

darkcloudlooming Sat 11-Nov-17 13:38:10

@Cricrichan my mother acts more like a child. I feel like I’m the parent sometimes. Probably the years of alcohol abuse messed with her head.

haarlandgoddard Sat 11-Nov-17 13:44:12

When does your husband work? Can you work evenings/weekends? Or you could study at home with the open university?

Not having anyone reliable is shit but the night waking will pass.

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