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Told DH I think we should separate

(36 Posts)
Greedynan Sat 11-Nov-17 07:23:27

We've been through a lot in recent years and I just think our marriage has taken a battering. We've 2 dc, one in nursery and one in school.

I think DH is emotionally abusive, not overtly abusive but I find him selfish and he says a lot of hurtful things. We've recently been approved a remortgage which has allowed us to tie a large sum of debt into our mortgage, freeing up our monthly outgoings significantly. He's recently started taking music lessons with one of our dc. (He's a lovely dad, I can't fault him there). He's now talking about spending £800-1500 on a brand new musical instrument. I don't feel comfortable spending this sum of money given our recent financial circumstances. I've tried to suggest alternatives- second hand, or saving up over a period of months. I actually don't think it's necessary at this level (complete beginner) to be splashing out, particularly when we need a new car and stuff doing around the house. His response was to become antagonistic. He said I lack ambition, won't invest in our dc. He then went on to say I'm moody, awful to live with etc. He said he'll be buying the instrument regardless of what I say.

Things have been strained for months. In recent weeks he's said I put hurdles in front of his career and that he can't cope with my 'resistance to change'. It's a joke, we recently relocated 100 miles so that, primarily, he could be closer to his elderly parent who's ill (another stressor on our marriage). I just get this horrible vibe from him that he sees me as an obstacle. I get no compliments, no time set aside just for me, but he still expects sex.

I said last night that I think we should separate. I tried to have a conversation about how we might be able to do it. He continued to tear shreds off me - I'm a bad mother, always snapping at the dc, bad wife, unpleasant to be around.

The thing is I am moody and I do snap at the kids. I'm often carrying a lot of resentment towards my DH. Earlier this year he insisted I be bringing more money in so I went back to work FT. Now he wants to change his career and was recently talking about making huge changes to our family income and routine just to suit his career aspirations. And because I say I'm not sure he says I put hurdles in his way.

Lack of ambition.

I won't take it any more. I'm a nice person and a good mum. I certainly have my moments but ultimately I'm a nice person. I find myself looking at houses on rightmove and thinking about how I'd cope with working and parenting as a single mum. I don't know what to do.

Buggeritimgettingup Sat 11-Nov-17 07:30:55

Leave. Gets your ducks in a row and be free. You'll probably find your mood and snappyness improves immediately.

WildIrishRose1 Sat 11-Nov-17 07:35:26

If you do separate there will certainly be difficulties, but, ask yourself, would those be any worse than staying with a man who has clearly undermined you to such an extent that you are doubting whether you are a good mother / person? It sounds as if you have made all the sacrifices in this relationship and that he takes full advantage.

Greedynan Sat 11-Nov-17 07:36:01

But how do I leave? I've no free cash. I was thinking we put the house up for sale. His parent's house I currently sat empty. Ideally he'd go there and free himself from my awful lack of ambition and terrible moods. Then we could put the house on the market. There's no way he'd agree to that though. He said he's concerned about messing up our dc. I get it. I'm scared too. Really scared. But I can't fake it anymore and tolerate the shitty way he perceives me

Fluffybrain Sat 11-Nov-17 07:36:04

He is emotionally abusive. See a solicitor and leave. You only get one life.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Sat 11-Nov-17 07:37:40

You poor thing. I'm going through something similar. My advice is to leave. You'll be happier on your own.

Mary1935 Sat 11-Nov-17 07:43:25

Greedyman - wow - what shit is that!!! You know you are doing the right thing - he's so selfish isn't he. ME ME ME - what idiot spends £800 on a new hobby!!!! You've already done a lot for him by moving so HE could be near his elderly parents - I'm curious about the debt you tied up in the house - was it his by any chance - you've gone back to work full time - it sounds like nothing will be enough for him - even if you "parted the Red Sea!!!"
What do you get out of this relationship?
Have you got a supportive family?
Put yourself first and make it about what you want for a change. It sounds like it won't get better as he seems unprepared to take responsibility and blames you!! Look after yourself.

Mary1935 Sat 11-Nov-17 07:45:23

You won't mess up your DC - he will damage them with his undermining of you and his abusive behaviour.

Bruceishavingfish Sat 11-Nov-17 07:49:35

Op i am currently seperated from dh. Bit living in the same house. At first it was awful. But its getting better.

Stbxh was emotionally and sexually abusive. But i am getting stronger everyday and can see the lighy at the end of the tunnel. We are selling the house and then I can get out.

It seems impossible at first. It really does. But its not.

Good luck. I hope you are ok.

Greedynan Sat 11-Nov-17 07:52:46

You hit the nail on the head about nothing ever being good enough. Last night he said that my trust issues are central to the problems in our relationship. I have to put my hands up and take some responsibility here because, in the past I was very insecure. We've been together for years now and we've been settled for a long time now. However, I don't 100% trust him. The comments he makes about me lacking ambition and putting hurdles in his way, I can't help but think he'd toss me aside if a career minded and ambitious woman came his way. And this career move of his will make that every bit more possible. I probably sound pathetic. But when your DH sees you as an obstacle it's difficult not to have such thoughts. I just feel like I want to be on my own tbh

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Nov-17 07:59:18

His actions are all about power and control and him. No-one would spend a minimum of £800 on an instrument particularly when the child is just starting to learn how to play it.

He is not a lovely dad at all to his kids if he treats you, the mother of his children, abusively. Women in poor relationships often write that when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. It will damage your children far more to remain at all within such an abusive environment. He is also not above projecting his own self either; HE is the one who is moody to live with and lacks ambition. Your children are also seeing you in turn being abused.

My guess as well is that his now elderly parent is the same; the rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his own family of origin.

Would contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and seek legal advice re separation from him asap. The Rights of Women organisation are also good in this respect. He won't make it easy for you to leave or let you go easily and will likely make the process as protracted as possible as an attempt to regain power and control over you. Infact you're already seeing this from him but you will be happier without him in your day to day lives.

Greedynan Sat 11-Nov-17 07:59:30

But why did a conversation about a musical instrument end up a conversation about my trust issues? This is the problem. If I object in any way to anything he turns it into a serious argument. Just to get him own way. I've had years of this shit. He's a fucking git.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Nov-17 08:05:04

You answered your own question there; if you object to anything he turns it into an argument to get his own way. Such men do not change; they act like this too because they have learnt that it works for them (his parents I would think behave similarly).

You have a choice re this man and you do not have to take this abuse any more from him. Make plans to leave and establish a new life for yourselves without him in it day to day.

counterpoint Sat 11-Nov-17 08:08:34

He's blaming you for his lack of achievement. Your DH sounds like the sort of person who never take responsibility and so he will always blame you for every trial and tribulation of life.

He needs to work on his aspirations and prioritize them with time. Perhaps he should learn to accept that he will never get everything he wants in life and that's not due to "obstacles" made only by having a wife, a home, stability and even having the DCs.

You'll never find a perfect man. If he's not too bad, can you carry on but get him to work on his character? if he tries to become a better person then he might also become more successful. As a man on his own, if you divorce him, he will suffer greatly (shorter life expectancy etc). Tell him to learn to be grateful for you and your partnership. A happy you and DC are all the achievement he should take pride in and truly aim for.

Dancingtothemusicoftime Sat 11-Nov-17 08:12:35

Be wary OP - he is laying the ground that you are an unfit mother and he will ensure your DC are in the middle of the battle he will wage against you when you have the audacity to walk away from his vile behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Nov-17 08:16:43

"If he's not too bad, can you carry on but get him to work on his character? if he tries to become a better person then he might also become more successful. As a man on his own, if you divorce him, he will suffer greatly (shorter life expectancy etc)".

From what the OP writes I do not think she wants to now carry on within this marriage where abuse is very much present. This from his is well ingrained within his psyche; this is not just a question of working on his character. Also its not her job to do this for him; she is not responsible for his actions or lack of ambition. All he wants is someone else to blame other than him. I doubt very much he has suffered as much as the OP has in her marriage. He will likely further blame her going forward and want to punish her further for having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him.

Greedynan Sat 11-Nov-17 08:17:05

I wish he would take a look at what he has got rather than what he hasn't. We've got so much going tor us. But he looks down on me. And my family. Because we are not academic. He only really has respect or will listen if a person is intellectual. I'm not painting a great picture. He's not all bad of course. I wouldn't be with him otherwise. But I've developed ulcerative colitis. And bring with this man is stressful. I've put my own needs aside for so long. And here he is again trying to trample over what should be a simple and equal conversation between a husband and wife and making it into an argument just to get his own way. He's so so arrogant. He's never wrong. Strangely he doesn't fit the criteria of a narcissist- I've checked. If anyone has any tips on how to communicate effectively with such people, I'd love to hear from you....

Ellisandra Sat 11-Nov-17 08:17:15

Sounds like you've made the right decision.

I would get on and do it sooner rather than later - before he runs up even more debts on unnecessary expensive instruments that will be jointly your debt when the finances are sorted angry

With that attitude, I wonder if the debt you just consolidated was driven by him? Speak to your solicitor about trying to allow that any debt made after separation (before divorce) is excluded from financials and passed 100% to him, if you think he's going to spend spend spend.

I would also act before this "career change" if it's something that means he'll position himself as primary carer (unless that's fair).

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Nov-17 08:21:03

You can never communicate effectively with such people like your H because they are selfish (like his family of origin), not interested in hearing your point of view and only care about their own selves. You will waste valuable time and effort trying and you cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. Also abuse is not about communication or a lack of; its about power and control. This man wants absolute over you and in turn his children.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Nov-17 08:22:02

Abusive people can be nice sometimes but its an act overall that they cannot maintain. Therefore the nice/nasty cycle they show that is inherent in abuse is a continuous one.

MaisyPops Sat 11-Nov-17 08:23:58

I would also act before this "career change" if it's something that means he'll position himself as primary carer
I was thinking this.
My guess would be he'll want to go to college or uni and be at home witj the kids more OR he'll be setting up a business whilst you're at work all day.

Then when you leave he can claim primary carer and when his little career change doesn't work out you can pay him maintenence etc to him and he can be in the family home, with the kids being the fun one and paint you as nasty mum who left.

I know that's worst case scenario, buy you need to guard against it.

PhoenixMama Sat 11-Nov-17 08:39:29

I keep reading these threads about people moaning about their other halves & everyone always comes across as blameless hmm It takes two to tango. Why walk away immediately, why not try counselling? It, even then, you want to walk away at least it will help you do it with minimal damage to the dcs.

Everyone is so quick to give up on marriage these days - what happened to that commitment, to being there for each other for better or worse?

It sounds to me like you feel like he doesn’t listen to you and rides roughshod over your opinions. You aren’t being heard. He probably doesn’t really understand or see this. He thinks you’re moody & snappy (which you’ve already said you are) and essentially he thinks you’re being difficult. Is this not the perfect case for therapy to discuss those issues, learn how to (a) hear what each other really wants/needs and (b) learn how to work together again? It’s classic couples therapy. Or you can walk away but trust me, your issues and ultimately the things that bug you about him, will still be there because you’ll still have to coparent together you’ll just have to bite your tongue for the sake of the kids. Why not work on making it better work for both of you & your family?

MaisyPops Sat 11-Nov-17 08:41:53

Except couples counselling is totally unadvisable in cases where there is an abusive element to the relationship.

I agree some people spend a fortune on a big wedding only to divorce 3 years later because it's not whst they imagined. But most people aren't like that abd it's fairly clear from the OP's post that this is not a healthy environment. She is right to want to leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Nov-17 08:54:00

As Maisy has rightly stated, couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Such men can and do manipulate counsellors even if they attend any sessions and such counselling never works out well. Also abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute, its not a communication issue.

OP has every right to walk away here, this is no environment to be raising these children in either. They are seeing their mother being abused by their dad.

PhoenixMama Sat 11-Nov-17 09:48:03

Yes obviously abuse shouldn’t be tolerated. This sounds (to me) as dysfunction rather than abuse.

The story could be read another way: my dp is always moody & snapping at the kids & me - I feel like I can never do anything right. I’ve started doing an activity with the dcs that we all really enjoy and I want to invest in a piece of equipment that will ensure we can do this for years to come but dp said no. Thanks to some debt consolidation we’re in a position to do this but dp keeps shooting me down when ever I suggest anything. I’ve got an opportunity to change careers and again they don’t want to support me.

What would the advice be then?

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