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Alcoholic mum, desperately need help

(22 Posts)
Imalloutofoptions Sat 11-Nov-17 00:03:27

Hi all, I've namechanged as this post, linked to other threads could be identifying.

My mother has been an alcoholic since before I was born. I have an older bother (same mum and dad) and a younger sister (same mum, her dad is our first step dad) I didn't know my dad until early adolescence and discovered then that I had older brothers and sisters (bio dad and his first wife's children, close to my mothers age) for clarity, my father is much older than my mum, she was in her late twenties when they met.

Growing up, my mum's drinking was always part of our lives, we knew she was in AA and I went to Alanon and a teen version later on. My mum would spend periods of time away and we would sometimes visit, these were rehab facilities. She was the type of alcoholic to binge drink, she didn't wake up and drink every single day. She could go weeks sober and then fall back. I don't really ever remember her being drunk in the mornings. Some things stand out like her cutting my hair off while drunk, getting a friend to drop boxes of wine in the mailbox. She always 'married well' she's incredibly beautiful and we had a 'nice' upbringing because of this, lovely houses, holidays and private schools. No one would ever guess things were so terrible under the surface. She tried to commit suicide in front of me and my brother once, I froze and brother stopped her.

She went on to send me to the UK to meet my dad (my brother was already there). My father turned out to a huge bastard. He'd already kicked my brother out and had just got married and got sick of me being around quite quickly and I was kicked out too, I was 14. My mum came to get me and brought my sister it's a 20 hour plus flight so she was intending to stay for a couple of weeks and we'd all go home. But she left. Randomly took off and I went into care, haven't seen my little sister since. Then when I was in care with an amazing foster family, I met my first boyfriend aged 15, he was 17 I got pregnant and my mum came back, my sisters dad had taken her home on a pre arranged date and never gave her back (understandable) my mum blames me for this as ss told him in our home country that I was in care and why. We're in touch and she's had a good life/ upbringing.

So, I'm pregnant in another country, my mum comes and I have my son, leave foster care and get my own place. My mum is still 🍹 bf and I cut her out, periodically I go back to having contact with her. May last year she puts my children and niece and nephew in danger. I cut all contact. I'm so done in by it all.

Last night I got a call from one of her AA friends, it seems he is last one able to put up with her and she is now drunk constantly, drinking 6+ bottles of wine a day and not leaving her flat. I asked what prompted his call and he said he accompanied my mum to some appointments and she has cirrhosis of the liver. He thinks she has a year. He isn't a Med professional but has been to all her appointments. There's so much more but this is so damn long, thank you to any one reading. I don't want my mum to die.

Imalloutofoptions Sat 11-Nov-17 00:06:39

Oh god, I don't know what the random drink emoji is!Sorry!

bluejelly Sat 11-Nov-17 00:13:21

No advice but flowersflowers to you. You sound incredibly grounded for someone who has been through so much.

Mymycherrypie Sat 11-Nov-17 00:18:13

I don't have any words of advice but wanted to say how brave you are for getting through a childhood with an alcoholic mother. My DM is also an alcoholic and it has shaped all of our lives negatively. A whole childhood ruined. She is in our lives but has managed to stop drinking, however if she hadn't I would have cut her out for the sake of my own mental health and stability. Even if she was in the situation your mother is in. I would probably just say my goodbyes and try and get on as best I could. It's really hard and I wanted to tell you how well you are doing 💐

Imalloutofoptions Sat 11-Nov-17 00:18:39

Thank you, bluejelly. I've done okeith huge support form my SIL but this has thrown me.

Imalloutofoptions Sat 11-Nov-17 00:19:32

Okeith- Shakespearean mumsnet.

LexieLulu Sat 11-Nov-17 00:21:57

Whether you want your mum to die or not isn't an option, you can't change this, only your mother.

My mother died 3 years ago the same way.

I'm sorry, but she's chosen alcohol over her life xxx

LexieLulu Sat 11-Nov-17 00:22:53

Sending love flowers

Imalloutofoptions Sat 11-Nov-17 00:25:21

Thank you, Mymycherriepie, it's hard to cut out someone with an addiction. From the age of 12 I researched alcoholism so avidly I honestly believed I could cure her. Her father was an alcoholic and she was used to assigning blame elsewhere, IRS only in adulthood I've realised this doesn't work. I don't know what to do. I can't bring her into my home and give my children what I had but I can't bear for her to waste away, become ill and die alone.

springydaffs Sat 11-Nov-17 00:26:37

So horrible, so upsetting flowers

Are you wondering if you should resume contact?

Imalloutofoptions Sat 11-Nov-17 00:28:00

LexieLuluu, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know I can't save her or cure her. I know she had to do it for herself and she never did. I wish it were different t though, I wish I could save my mum and give her a good life.

Blushingm Sat 11-Nov-17 00:28:25

my mum was also an alcoholic. I cut all contact when I was pregnant with my first dc as I felt I couldn’t trust her.......she never met my dc. She died in 2014 of decompensated liver disease and cirrhosis of the liver. Life was tough growing up as I always felt the drink came first and I was often left to look after myself and my younger brother

All I can say is be kind to yourself and try and remember it’s not her fault (though I felt it was when I was younger)

Imalloutofoptions Sat 11-Nov-17 00:35:04

Sprigydaffs - yes. Deep down I don't want to see or talk to her. I love her though, she's my mum. I wish I could fix her. In my mind I thought everything would stay the same but she's gone downhill. Aside from her alcoholism she was beautiful, clever and the best most imaginative nan ever. The alcoholism makes her too dangerous to be around the children but she could've had such a great life.

AuntyElle Sat 11-Nov-17 00:40:37

It's a total headfuck isn't it, options. I'm so sorry you have been thrown back into this.
I question whether the AA friend should have called you. What could possibly be gained by doing that.
Sending flowers

AcrossthePond55 Sat 11-Nov-17 00:41:12

You didn't cause this. You can't cure this. You can't control this.

I went through this with my brother although he's now managed to clean up and is sober. Almost three years ago I had cut him out of my life because of his drinking and when I was going to be gone for 2 months I pre-planned his cremation and final arrangements with a local funeral home. I sincerely felt that he was going to be dead before I got back and wanted to save my adult sons the trouble of having to do it.

There's nothing you can do for your mother. Please don't admit her back into your life simply because she is ill. It's sad, yes, but do not sacrifice your life to her drinking.

BTW, I think her AA friend was wrong to contact you. AA is big on personal responsibility and he should not have interfered but left it up to your mother to make any contact.

Imalloutofoptions Sat 11-Nov-17 00:50:48

Thank you all, I think her AA friend is genuinely out of ideas. It sounds awful, but I've thought of my mum dying. I've always known this would take her. The way her life is makes me so fucking sad. I don't want her to die alone, but she's so toxic I can't be around her.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 11-Nov-17 02:16:29

No, you can't be around her. It's sad that she'll probably die alone, but she has made her choices and created her own life. All you can do is find your own peace with it all and if you have a faith, pray that she passes in peace and not in pain.

Have you considered Al-Anon? It's for the families of alcoholics and you may be able to find some support there. You aren't alone.

AuntyElle Sat 11-Nov-17 08:25:00

I don't think this is a helpful thing to say, pond: "It's sad that she'll probably die alone". You don't know that. I think we have to be careful not to project on these threads.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert Sat 11-Nov-17 08:38:28

You have done everything you can do. Your mum has made her choices. She is an adult, she now has to pay the cost of all her bad life decisions. There is nothing more you can do. Don’t be bullied or blackmailed into letting her put you and your children into danger again.
Write her a letter, maybe meet up to say goodbye but don’t let her self destruct mode bring you down to her level. You are the victim here, it’s your mum that needs to make things right with you, not the other way around.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 11-Nov-17 20:43:19

I can't bring her into my home and give my children what I had but I can't bear for her to waste away, become ill and die alone.

Aunty it's the OP who raised that issue, not me. I'm just saying that OP's mum has made her choices and that OP is not responsible for the results of those choices.

Imalloutofoptions Sat 11-Nov-17 22:50:16

Thank you for all your kind comments. I know I can't do anymore and I can't make her want to be better. I can only decide how I'm going to deal with it. I just wish her life was different. I've always thought that if she became ill, I'd want to see her to say goodbye but if I do this now, chances are she'll be drunk. I really can't bear to see her drunk ever again. I spoke to someone some time ago who spoke to me about ambiguous loss, I really do feel like I'm grieving a living person since cutting contact the last time.

Hellomaryimback Sat 11-Nov-17 23:18:30

imallout you've had a tough upbringing and done amazing to be still here not fucked up.

I'd go and see her.

I've just got in contact with my mother after a very long time as due to illness (not as bad as your mother) my brother and I had a shit childhood with her and both left as soon as we could. Drinking and severe mental illness.

In your situation I'd go because you don't know how you would feel about not seeing her before she died if she is this bad after she passes.

Your kids don't need to be around her and that's something you can think about after the visit - but I'd go.

as I've got older I've realalised my mother was shaped my her own childhood. Not an excuse to be a shit mother but a reason. That's why I finally gave in even when family members where against it.

My mother isn't dying but is in a pitiful way.

I know your mother is going to be in bad form when you see her but at least you can say you went when you was told she was seriously ill because it's only you and your thought late night in bed.

flowers

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