Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Practical Advice re DW taking the children

(11 Posts)
ForSomeoneElse Fri 10-Nov-17 18:31:14

Am not getting into the ins and outs of the relationship but asking please for practical advice for my DB.

He found out that his DW was having an affair. They tried to sort it but she carried on with OM. Another big row on Tuesday when he realised she was still in contact.

Tonight he got home from work to find she had left, with their two children. Probably off to her mother's in Wales (6 hours away).

He is very worried as an immediate safety issue as she can be somewhat erratic/angry. Possible definitely IMHO has a drink problem. In the past been drunk in charge of the DC. He has asked her to return. No response. DCs (12 and 8) not answering phone.

What does he need to do in the short term? Too late to get professional/legal help so that will probably be a Monday job. Is there anyone else he should be contacting or can do now?

What other things should he be thinking about for next week if she does not return? Or indeed I suppose if she does return? What can he do? He was hoping they could sort it but looks like that idea may be shot.

He really does not want her to get contact? (not sure of the term) of the children and is terrified she will take them permanently 6 hours away. Can she does this? Is there anything he can do?

Bubblebath01 Fri 10-Nov-17 19:13:58

My dear Ex explained to everyone I was an unfit mother. Because he was the one (52) who decided he was better off with 21 sociopathic barmaid. I confronted him, but he was brave enough to "own up". Apparently I not only threw him out and refused counselling, but refused to allow our DC to spend time with him. They decided, as he tried to force the issue, encouraged by his friend.

His DSis has completely blanked me. She believes everything he says. ????

His mother also believes everything he says.

I'm not saying your DB isn't an honest person, but, it is difficult to get to the truth, and it will only come out in time.

Sistersofmercy101 Fri 10-Nov-17 19:19:52

Who is the children's main carer?
Your brother? Or is it his wife?

SandyY2K Fri 10-Nov-17 19:27:09

It's best for him to see a solicitor about it. His best hope is joint custody. That would be fair.

ForSomeoneElse Fri 10-Nov-17 19:34:06

Am not getting into the ins and outs of the relationship but asking please for practical advice for my DB.

I am sure there are two sides to the story.

The main crux. She had an affair (I have seen evidence). She has packed up and left whilst he is at work.

ForSomeoneElse Fri 10-Nov-17 19:39:18

Sorry, X-post. She has been the main carer.

He would have been happy <bitter laugh if she moves to Wales> with joint custody but is currently worried about her escalated behaviour/drinking. He is understandably in pieces at the moment. Actually he is sliding into anger now. Which I kind of guess is part of the process.

I am trying to talk him down from him taking it to the courts to prove she is an unfit/reckless mother but can understand his concerns. I just think it would be really difficult to prove and I think from stuff I have read, almost impossible to persuade a court.

What would happen if she did stay in Wales? How could joint custody possibly work? Is she allowed to move them so far away from their home/school etc?

BubblesBuddy Fri 10-Nov-17 19:50:43

Phone his mother in law. See a solicitor on Monday that specialises in family law. He can get a divorce fairly quickly due to her affair and ultimately a judge can be asked to settle custody if they cannot sort it out amicably.

I think he needs to tell their schools as well if they are absent on Monday. At least then there are other professionals in the loop.

I suspect the children won’t speak to him in front of their mother so I really would not put them in a difficult position. Could you try and speak to the MIL?

BubblesBuddy Fri 10-Nov-17 19:54:05

The courts will obtain psychological reports on parents if anyone says they are not fit to have custody. It’s not up to a husband to declare this. Usually it’s drug taking and alcohol abuse and risky behaviour. Having one affair may not be particularly significant unless the boyfriend is unsuitable to be around children. You get the picture.

Chucklecheeksagain Fri 10-Nov-17 22:19:31

Bubblesbuddy the divorce won't happen any quicker due to infidelity. If she contests it it could mean it takes longer.

Divorce shouldn't be the first thing on your DB's mind. If he has realistic concerns about his children's safety his is the issue he needs to tackle.

The only advice I can give your DB (and I work in this field) is to go see a few solicitors and tell them the FULL story and see what they, the expert advises.

BubblesBuddy Sun 12-Nov-17 21:32:52

But no fault/separation takes longer before divorce can start. I agree this puts the cart before the horse. However there isn’t an easy solution. Any news?

HeddaGarbled Sun 12-Nov-17 23:04:15

Firstly, if she's gone to her mother's, the children are probably safe for now, as her mother will be there. Can he contact her mother, just to check that they are there and safe?

Secondly, he may be able to prevent her taking the children that distance away permanently. I think it's called a prohibited steps order. He can talk this through with a solicitor.

However, I think it unlikely that he can expect her to move back in with him under the circumstances. So, if he wants her to come back locally, he needs to be thinking about how that will work. Could he stay with you temporarily so that she can move back into the house with the children, while they sort out a longer term plan? Or could he pay for a short term rental for her locally, again while they sort out a future plan?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: