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My DC pine for an extended family

(19 Posts)
Rollforneed Fri 10-Nov-17 16:40:03

and I can't provide one for them.

Like so many people whose threads I have read on here, it's just the three of us alone mostly.

I am NC with my family and now separated. Have moved several years ago to new area and don't seem to get past the casual chat phase with people despite taking classes and volunteering. Kids friends parents are not interested in being 'family friends'. Tried everything. etc, etc, etc...

But my DS says to me lately he wishes we could have a big family birthday or Christmas. I know they are lonely and bored. They also only have a couple friends each because of autism. (But one friend is better than none, I know)

They will be going to XH family on Christmas day, but I won't be with them.

I know it's not my fault. I have tried. If if was just me by myself I wouldn't care.

Just sitting here dreading the upcoming Christmas holiday because of this. I know I will try to do something special but still it's hard.

ptumbi Fri 10-Nov-17 17:24:35

They 'Pine'? Wtf?

Sorry OP -that is total crap. I am NC with my father and sister, and LC with mother and brother. - my dc have never met my father,and only my sister, mother and brother a few times in the 25 of them being alive. My Exh only had a mother - who they did seem regularly but who never did 'grandmotherly' things with them. They have never 'pined' for family.

i have a wide circle of friends. They have many friends too. Having a 'big family christmas ' is not all it's cracked up to be either. Read some of the threads on here - families arguing, complaining, demanding, controlling -it's not all a John Lewis ad, and if your kids can't see that, you need to educate them!

Rather a small family that loves, than a big family that can't get on.

I'd rather have a day with me and my kids than a big day with loads of people who all have their own agenda, wants and needs.

ptumbi Fri 10-Nov-17 17:25:20

#25 years of them being alive

TammySwansonTwo Fri 10-Nov-17 18:10:17

I get this worry - my twins are only 1. They have one grandparent they've met twice, a couple of aunts and an uncle they've met similar amounts. Everyone else is dead or NC. I feel really sad for them and imagine it is hard when they're older.

Do you have time to volunteer with older people in your area who are lonely, even an hour here and there? I've been considering this.

ptumbi Fri 10-Nov-17 18:49:23

Nope - sorry OP. You are possibly projecting, as is Tammy (your one year olds have only met one GP, some aunts and uncles - in ONE YEAR?

I grew up with one set of GP in another country - and tons of cousins I never met (even now, I've only met 3 of them - once of twice) and the other set we saw once a year, if that. They were all dead by the time I was in my teens.

I was fine. You don't miss what you don't have. I certainly never angsted over the 'big' family that my cousins have over there. Never gave it thought.

Concentrate on your small family, and your friends. Even now I'd rather spend time with dcs and friends, than extended family, any day.

Aroundtheworldandback Fri 10-Nov-17 18:53:22

I totally understand, ignore the above poster. How old are they? As they get older and their world expands it will get easier. If they’re going to ex’s family xmas day that’s great as you won’t have to worry. Perhaps if you’re on decent terms with his family you could ask if they could have the occasional tea with your kids included?

RedForFilth Fri 10-Nov-17 19:10:09

I kind of understand. My son asks a lot for a brother or sister at the minute. I'd absolutely love to give him one but I'm already a single mum and have to put his needs first before wants. I just ensure we see friends and family a lot and tell him how much I love our family of two! I think finding the positives within the negatives is important if you can.

TammySwansonTwo Fri 10-Nov-17 21:32:29

Sorry Ptumbi, I'm not sure of your point? Yes, that's all the family they've met - that's all the family they have, besides myself and my DH. What exactly are you saying?

I'm not saying my 1 year olds are sad about not having a family. I'm saying that my extended family was important to me growing up, and I feel sad that they won't have the same, especially when their friends do. I was incredibly close to my grandmother. My mum is now dead. I am sad they will never have a relationship with her and I think their lives would have been richer for having it.

I'm not sure why this is hard to grasp?

SandyY2K Fri 10-Nov-17 22:42:16

I was fine. You don't miss what you don't have

Some people do. You can't speak for everyone. You may be trying to help... but you're also invalidating how the OP feels.

Many children who never had a father in their lives miss it. They see friends with dads...they see a different family set up.... they go searching for their fathers if possible.

Have you never watched long lost family?

StaplesCorner Fri 10-Nov-17 23:07:38

My DDs miss not having grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. I had two really close and wonderful female friends and they both died within 2 years of each other, they were like my DDs' replacement Aunt and Grandmother.

They feel sad there is no one else to go to or talk to, they hear kids saying "my uncle took me out", "I am having a sleepover at Nanny's house tonight" and they feel sad - wistful - yes pine is a good word. WTF are you on about ptumbi just because you are ok doesn't mean everyone else has to be and clearly others do feel the loss or lack of family very keenly. Did you think this was AIBU?!

TomatoTomAto Fri 10-Nov-17 23:23:32

It really pisses me off when people say you can't miss what you've never had. It's total bollocks.
Ds definitely misses having a father. His shitty excuse for a father did a dissappearing act when he was tiny, so he doesn't remember ever having one or meeting him.
I had to tell ds recently that his 'dad' had died, mainly because at 6 years old he honestly believed that one day his father would turn up, and he'd finally have a dad like all his friends. It felt wrong and cruel to leave ds with that hope.
He, without a doubt, misses his father.

I have friends who say this shit...Friends who generally lead fairly charmed lives. It makes me want to cut contact because of how breathtakingly stupid and insensitive they are.

Friendofsadgirl Fri 10-Nov-17 23:27:03

That does sound sad. Could they adopt a grandparent?

Battleax Fri 10-Nov-17 23:27:20

flowers OP.

It's not easy and you can't magic up family.

Thoth Sat 11-Nov-17 01:04:37

I agree tomato. My 8yo asks me a lot about his grandfather. Why can't I have one? Why can't I see him?
One is dead, the other abusive. We don't have any elderly neighbours that would fulfill that role for him. He feels it more than his sister, perhaps because he subconsciously wants more male role models.

StaplesCorner Sat 11-Nov-17 01:09:52

I'll never forget the Christmas dinner one year, my DD's were, say, 5 and 7, and the eldest asked me as we sat down to eat "Mummy, why is there no one else here?"

SatansLittleHelper2 Sat 11-Nov-17 01:17:00

Could you not become more involved with ex husbands family ??

There isnt any reason you cant get on im guessing ??

Thoth Sat 11-Nov-17 09:15:30

Oh staples, that must have been heartbreaking. I hope they are more understanding now.

StaplesCorner Sat 11-Nov-17 12:48:36

Thoth I see you have a similar issue; we tried to make a little family from my wonderful friends and when they both died, I can't tell you how awful it was. We do have a couple of second cousins, one we became close to and she then had twin girls; although we don't see them much it is something you know? It provides a "family" of sorts. But to have that extra adult, that person who loves your DC and listens to them, makes time for them - whether that be a friend, a cousin, a grandparent, aunt, whatever, thats where I think I might envy other families a little.

There's an over-riding sense of loss in our house that has dogged the girls since they were able to look at the photos of our late parents on the wall in the hall and understand what it meant. Yet I have friends who have never even lost a grandparent, or who still have their parents and they are well into their 50s and 60s. So yes they understand, but it is a wrong that can't be put right.

chipscheeseandgravy Sat 11-Nov-17 14:28:58

I think age concern do a scheme where you can invite an elderly person for Sunday dinner and Christmas dinner that would be otherwise alone during the festive period. Maybe consider that? Granted it’s not family, but may give them a different experience

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