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Please help, what a mess I've made

(105 Posts)
Mylifeisfucked Fri 10-Nov-17 10:18:53

Where do I start? Can't believe my life has come to this, I feel so desperately sad.

Was with my OH 3 years... until last night. A few months after getting together I find out he's married with 2 kids (knew about the kids), that they're "separated" but living together at weekends playing happy families for the kids. Holidays together, Christmas together etc. Obviously caused alot of issues and I was lied to alot.

He cheated on me earlier this year and I found out. Like an idiot I forgave him.

I recently find out he's got a secret young child conceived a few years before we got together, and he's hid this from me for three years. Last night I see a text that would suggest there is still some sort of relationship with the mother, more than platonic. When I asked him to explain he exploded, calling me an idiot, telling me I'm pathetic etc. He went on and on so I wrote a message out to his wife telling her everything and threatened to send. I wasn't actually inyending to send it but he tried to grab my phone and it got sent in the scuffle.

Rightly or wrongly, I feel awful about this and like the worst person on the planet. I used to be so happy. Just looking for some kind words if possible as I can't stop crying right now.

sooperdooper Fri 10-Nov-17 10:21:38

You're well rid of this lying cheating waste of space, get him out of your life for good - block/delete and move on with your life - just be glad you haven't had a child with him too

sooperdooper Fri 10-Nov-17 10:23:09

Oh and if he wasn't such scum that message wouldn't even exist, let alone have been sent, his actions caused that not you

Do you live together? Do you have somewhere you can stay or will he leave?

Oxcheeks Fri 10-Nov-17 10:26:52

Oh my word, you, his wife and the other woman need to kick him to the kerb, what a lying, cheating piece of work he is! You probably did his wife a favour by sending the text. Move on with your life, your much better off without him.

SandyY2K Fri 10-Nov-17 10:31:17

His wife needs to know the truth and he's quite a cheating dishonest man ... keeping a child a secret like that.

He's a waste of time and space.

Have you ever met the kids in the 3 years? Do you live together?

Mylifeisfucked Fri 10-Nov-17 10:35:31

Thank you all. No I've never met any of the kids, been kept completely in the dark. I've stood by him through so much shit and stupid me can't help but love the bones of him. I own the house and he's never 'officially' lived here so I'm ok in that respect as I don't depend on him financially or otherwise. Just feel so desperately sad but trying my best to be strong. Looking to book an appointment with a counsellor.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea Fri 10-Nov-17 10:36:27

So he's not actually separated at all?

Itsonkyme Fri 10-Nov-17 10:36:27

Mylife. It's obvious that he and his wife are still together.
If they are separated and just playing happy families at weekends, holidays etc . Then why would he have to grapple the phone off you. Surely, his ex wife would know about you, wouldn't she?? Obviously not!!!!
He has never left his wife, he probably told her that he had a job working away all week and just came home at the weekends.
You sound like the typical OW, you need to drop this slimy creep and get on with your life. He is a Con Man!

Mylifeisfucked Fri 10-Nov-17 10:38:38

She knew about me from the start, it's the other child she didn't know about. Obvs something going on with the other woman though. So I guess I've been the other OTHER woman. God I can't cope.

ferando81 Fri 10-Nov-17 10:39:52

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mylifeisfucked Fri 10-Nov-17 10:40:43

I'm not staying with him but thanks for that when I'm pretty much at my lowest ebb. I already know I'm a loser.

Ohyesiam Fri 10-Nov-17 10:41:06

Op, please don't put up with such terrible behaviour.
You are worth a man who is
Kind
Faithful
Respectful
Honest
Emotionally available
Not interested in drama , just wanted to get on with life and be happy.

Please raise your bar and never go for such a loser again. Next time you are looking for a partner, Watch what men do, where they put there energy, don't listen to what they say it's their actions that count. It's not that I think all men are bastards, far from it, there are summer great men out there, but what I said above is a good way of filtering the good from the bad.

I don't get why you feel so bad about the message being sent. You are so much better of without him .

Ohyesiam Fri 10-Nov-17 10:43:02

Ooh, and you haven't made a mess as you say. You've been on the receiving end of some totally unacceptable behaviour.
You can get over this.
You can recover

flowers

pullingmyhairout1 Fri 10-Nov-17 10:45:51

You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Believe me when I say this. I was similar to you. Kick him out. Be single. Learn to love yourself.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 10-Nov-17 10:46:08

So in the 3 years you've been with you are at least 1 of women he's shagging.
WOW - and you forgave him for cheating!?
More fool you.
This is a mess but it can be cleaned up pretty easily.
Chuck his stuff out.
One final text - THIS IS SOOOOO OVER - never contact me again.
Then block, ignore, delete.
Job done.
You move on with your life and find someone who is not a deceitful lying piece of shit!!!
And counselling is a great idea.
Find out why you even put up with this crap.
The lying, the cheating.
You may be co-dependent so mention that to your counsellor and do some research on-line into it.

Mylifeisfucked Fri 10-Nov-17 10:46:09

I don't know why I feel so bad. I think over the three years he's just worn me down and I've eventually just ended up disliking myself. I've just blocked him so day one it is. Hope the days get easier as I currently feel like I'm in living hell.

MummyMummyMummyyyy Fri 10-Nov-17 10:46:48

Ferando81 I hope you feel good about yourself after writing that disgracefully cruel comment. Appalling.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. What an utter piece of shit he is. I'm sure deep down you know you're way, way better off without him flowers

sooperdooper Fri 10-Nov-17 10:46:59

The only way you could possibly make this a mess is to not take this opportunity to get this hideous man out of your life for good

randomer Fri 10-Nov-17 10:47:24

So glad you are seeking professional help.

RaindropsAndSparkles Fri 10-Nov-17 10:47:53

Your life is far less tucked today than it was yesterday.

Be kind to yourself and let yourself heal.

Mylifeisfucked Fri 10-Nov-17 10:48:14

Thanks hellsbells and yes I have been a fool. His stuff is currently in the back garden. I text him earlier to tell him it's there now I've blocked him. I think you're right about codependency and he is a narcissist.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 10-Nov-17 10:48:20

You will feel like that for a while.
You won't just be over a 3 year relationship overnight.
But keep busy. Get out with your friends.
Get to the gym.
Have friends round for wine tea and sympathy.
Have a damn good cry when you need one.
You'll get there but don't expect it to happen fast.
As they say - fake it 'til you make it!

hollowtree Fri 10-Nov-17 10:49:55

flowers for you

Annelind Fri 10-Nov-17 10:52:01

Well done OP, for throwing this piece of shit out of your life. Stay strong - you will heal flowers

peachgreen Fri 10-Nov-17 10:52:37

Your life is only going to get better from here, OP. What a scumbag.

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