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He has moved on...in 8 weeks!

(14 Posts)
LizaJane85 Fri 10-Nov-17 06:08:19

Needing a bit of a hand hold. Getting all this out I’m hoping will help me...

My stbxh and I split just over 8 weeks ago after 8 years together, 11 months of that we were married.

We have a dd, so in the 8 weeks since we split all contact has been about her. I’ve also come off fb as I was always checking his page. He defriended all my friends and family so I wouldn’t be tempted to look. He always was an arrogant bastard.

It had been tough but I was feeling more positive about things and felt like day by day I was getting better.

Fast forward to Tuesday just gone and I feel like I’m back at square one.

I’ve had an inkling he had been seeing someone new. Instead of ignoring it I thought I’d take a quick look at his fb, just to put my mind at ease.

Worst thing I could have possibly done, I know! Plastered all over his page were pictures of him and this new girl I’d never seen before. Them cuddling, kissing and worst of all, a cosy one of him with her kids. They had both updated their relationship statuses to ‘in a relationship.’

I felt like I’d been punched. I called him and he said although he still had feelings for me and would always love me, things had just happened with this girl while him and me weren’t talking much. He said I’m one of the only people he can trust and he wants us to be the best of friends.

Now all I can think about is the two of them... the cosy chats, who made the first move and whether it’s gonna last. It’s driving me mad!

I try and focus on my gorgeous dd and see friends and family as much as possible, but it’s always in the back of my mind, taunting me.

I just feel like I’m going to feel this way forever. For him to move on so seriously in 8 weeks makes me think our 8 years meant nothing. I feel so worthless.

Rainbowqueeen Fri 10-Nov-17 06:19:03

You are not worthless. He and she are acting like idiots. He has met her kids already??!!

All it shows is he is incapable of making good decisions.

I would use this time to your advantage. Sort out the divorce. If he is besotted with her and willing to play nice with you, move things along. If it turns sour or she starts getting involved he may be less willing to be reasonable.

And flowers. It still sucks and hurts

LizaJane85 Fri 10-Nov-17 06:28:28

I’ve never felt pain like it.

I’ve looked into the divorce side of things but I just can’t afford it at the moment and neither can he.

I’m changing my name back by deed poll.

I just don’t know how he’s managed to get over 8 years in such a short amount of time.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 10-Nov-17 06:33:10

I suspect for him it's not a short amount of time - he'd checked out of the relationship emotionally a long time before you knew about it, maybe even before you married. Sometimes a new development makes us look back and see things differently, pieces of the puzzle fall into place. It still sucks though. flowers

mylittlepony6 Fri 10-Nov-17 07:02:18

You will slowly feel better I promise. Imagine you are right at the bottom, there's only one way to go isn't there? Block all Facebook, you are only re-opening a wound. Try and end each day on a positive thought. Take care x x

Hoplittlerabbit Fri 10-Nov-17 07:28:42

Please don’t take this offensively but was it just 8 weeks for him? I met my DP just 3 months after my ExH moved out of our home and people were quick to say it was too soon. However our marriage had been over for me (probably both of us) for 2 years. No intimacy, barely talking etc.
So really it was closer to 2.5 years of being alone and lovely before I met my DP.
I know you’re hurting, but it’s more likely because he’s moved on before you. I think what he said about still caring for you and wanting to be friends is pretty decent.
Remember even if your feelings are hurt you cannot take them out on him and his new relationship because it’ll hurt your child. Don’t be the crazy ExW consumed by hurt and jealousy.
He hasn’t done anything wrong, you split mutually by the sounds of it and he’s allowed to be happy and move on. Even if you think it’s too soon it may not be in his mind as he could’ve checked out of your marriage mentally a long time ago - hence the divorce.
You have my sympathy flowers it will get easier. Try to remain dignified for everyone’s sake xx

Hoplittlerabbit Fri 10-Nov-17 07:29:09

Alone and lonely* I meant

SandyY2K Fri 10-Nov-17 07:33:47

Chances are she was already with him in some capacity before you split up. So it's not just an 8 week relationship. I doubt he'd be all cosy with her kids in such a short time period.

If you change your surname... your DC will still have his surname I expect... you may want to think about that.

DownTownAbbey Fri 10-Nov-17 07:34:13

You were only married for 11 months so I assume that your relationship unraveled in those 11 months so it does seem like 8 weeks is very soon for him to have got to the stage with a new woman that he's met her kids and is all over Facebook with them.

I'm sorry to have to raise this but there's a chance he was with her (or had earmarked her as a GF) before you split.

I totally understand your horror, especially given his 'softly softly let's be friends I'll always love you' bollocks. Get as much sadness, anger and pain out as possible. You're mourning the loss of your marriage and readjusting your view of who your ex is.

Maybe he was being nice to keep things sweet for the DC but has he said 'let's not use solicitors' or tried to minimise his financial obligations to the DC? If he has ignore him and get legal advice asap. Get what you are entitled to.

Hopefully you know everything there is to know now and once the shock has subsided you can mentally adjust. flowers

TittyGolightly Fri 10-Nov-17 07:36:34

I’m changing my name back by deed poll.

No need. You can legally use your former name. It hasn’t gone anywhere.

LizaJane85 Fri 10-Nov-17 08:26:53

Thanks for everyone’s responses.

I think I’m being extremely naive to think this has all happened in 8 weeks. Things haven’t been right from about two months after we married. I just don’t want to think of the alternative- that he was seeing her before we broke up. It kills.

Oh and he hasn’t paid hardly anything towards dd for almost a year. He shares a business with his mum which hasn’t been doing so well, and neither of them have been taking a wage. All the cries from me to find a job and start helping me were met with ‘I already work long hours,’
Yeah, but he wasn’t getting paid for them!!!

Really, I know deep down I’m better off. Things were bad for a while. Maybe I’m a bit jealous, I’m definitely hurting. I just feel like feeling this way is how my life is going to be now.

SandyY2K Fri 10-Nov-17 08:42:56

In time you'll be okay. You want to be in a happy relationship avd you deserve that.

I don't understand men who tbibj5 not contributing to the upkeep of their child acceptable.

For me ... I would lose respect and admiration for a man like that.

Stay strong my dear. You can do this.

c3pu Fri 10-Nov-17 09:09:38

If it's any consolation, in my experience relationships that start very quickly often don't last.

LizaJane85 Fri 10-Nov-17 12:52:47

Thanks everyone

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