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(49 Posts)
user1465910683 Thu 09-Nov-17 23:20:15

I'm in mid 40s married for 25 years with 2 teenage DC. When I was 18 I had a 2 year relationship with my first love. We broke up and didn't have any contact for a few years.

He went on to marry and I met my DH. About a year after meeting dh I bumped into ex on a night out and we kissed. A few days later he came to my house and said he still loved me. It went no further.

A few years later I'd married dh and we had children, my ex also had children. Over the years we'd come into contact socially and always felt that something was bubbling. After a few years we began an affair that lasted 3 months. I finished it due to the guilt I felt, he did not want it to end.

About 4 years ago he got in touch with me on social media, I was polite but told him I didn't think it was appropriate.

Earlier this year he contacted me again, I replied politely as a friend and we exchanged a few friendly messages, until he told me how he felt and I said we couldn't continue being in touch.

A few months ago I bumped into him on a night out and we chatted for hours (we have mutual friends so it wouldn't have looked odd). The following day he messaged me to say he still cares about me.

Initially I said I didn't want to stay in touch as it wasn't appropriate (but the truth is I think about him all the time). He begged me to stay in touch via text and said he wouldn't push it further

Fast forward a month and we've been meeting twice a week, talking and kissing, nothing else. He texts me everyday and calls me 3-4 times per week.

He has told me on lots of occasions that he is falling in love with me and that has now progressed to "he loves me'. Last weekend he was abroad with friends and he rang me twice.

I feel the same as him but I haven't told him. This has been going on and off for 30 years now.

My DH is a lovely man and does not deserve this, neither does ex's wife.

Please talk some sense into me and make me realise that this has to stop.

Pinkpillows Thu 09-Nov-17 23:37:31

It won't stop tho you tried before but it always continues. People,will get hurt

Another affair thread I loose faith in marriage since being on here sad

Disquieted1 Thu 09-Nov-17 23:38:50

What do you want to hear? That you're both living in a fantasy that will end in disaster?

Understand the temptation and remember why you split up all those years ago: you were incompatible for some reason and both of you moved on and fell in love with someone else.

Hellywelly10 Thu 09-Nov-17 23:41:25

Could he just be trying his luck. Bit of fun for him every few years.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Thu 09-Nov-17 23:54:49

Marriage can get boring every now and then and you are his very convenient “try it on”because let’s face it, late 40s/50s we can’t just walk in to affairs via pubs and clubs, can we?

If your DH is lovely and so is your family and children think about the risk and ask yourself what you are looking for.

So depressing.

queencerulean Fri 10-Nov-17 04:57:25

You’re right. Your dh does not deserve this. Neither do your dc. This will have devastating consequences on not only your relationship with dh and dc but also with friends and family.

You need to sort your shit out and make a decision. You are being entirely selfish in your actions.

toopeoply Fri 10-Nov-17 05:00:55

Think about what you will lose when it all gets discovered. The fall out will be horrendous. Damaging.

FritzDonovan Fri 10-Nov-17 05:03:33

Just imagine, in great detail, the humiliation and devastation it would cause your nearest and dearest if it came out.

I don't think that will stop you though because you don't seem to have much of a conscience.

BackInTheRoom Fri 10-Nov-17 05:12:42

Another affair thread I loose faith in marriage since being on here

@Pinkpillows I've been thinking the same.

Newyearnewbrain Fri 10-Nov-17 05:15:32

You know the answer OP. Pack it in.

BackInTheRoom Fri 10-Nov-17 05:21:49

You're in a bar deciding what to order, you've got a fine wine (long term relationship/bit boring) for £100 pounds or you've got a fabulous cocktail (affair chemicals) with a sparkler in for a fiver, which one are you going to choose?

WizardOfToss Fri 10-Nov-17 05:38:01

I suggest you put your mental energy into your actual, real life relationship, and perhaps counselling to understand why you haven't moved on from this person and/or the root of your self destructive tendencies.

Because this will be devastating if you continue on this path.

Bruceishavingfish Fri 10-Nov-17 05:43:15

If the fact that your destrying your marriage isnt enough to make you stop, why would anything we have to say make you stop?

Your marriage is a sham. For the whole of it you have been having an on and off affair with your ex.

25 years of your dhs life has been spent in a marriage that isnt what he thinks it is.

Your kids will be devestated. But you still do it.

Its unbelievably selfish.

Olikingcharles Fri 10-Nov-17 05:48:35

I think you should leave it alone and walk away.

SuperBeagle Fri 10-Nov-17 06:02:24

If knowing that you're singlehandedly destroying your marriage, and knowing that your children will find out if you ever have the decency to tell your husband, isn't enough to knock some sense in to you, nothing anyone says on this thread will.

zoemelb Fri 10-Nov-17 06:10:31

I'm about to give you apposite to everyone else here gin, because it seems that what you want to do for 25 years. I think you should walk way, get divorced, maybe even try to lie to your DH the reason why you want a divorce, then get on with your ex (I hope he will do the same btw), and see if he will be a good husband, or the chemistry between you and your ex then just vanish. star
Alternatively, continue on cheating and one day get court and face the above. wink
P/S: I dont understand how your DH doesn't know or aware about the cheating, he's pretty useless anyway so let him go, it's better for him.

user1465910683 Fri 10-Nov-17 06:42:43

Thank you everyone. I am going to end it once and for all. I hate myself for how I'm behaving. I've had counselling over the years, I know why I'm doing this, and it's not an excuse, but whilst DH is a good man he has difficulty showing affection. He has never told me he loves me, never complements me and lacks empathy. He has good reason for this because it's related to his upbringing.

Ex tells me all the things I want to hear and makes me feel great. I think (know) deep down that I want to hear these things from my DH. I don't want to choose ex over DH, my DH is who I really want to be with. I am crying writing this and am totally ashamed of how this has gone on for so long. We have not had a 30 year affair, but over the 30 years we have had one 3 month affair and now this which had been going on for a couple of months.

I am going to end it, I truly am. I'm not on here for sympathy, I wrote it down because I need to get it out, I can't talk to anyone in rl about it.

PaintingByNumbers Fri 10-Nov-17 06:48:35

Life is short. Do you feel loved in your marriage? Enough so that once the kids have gone you will still be happy? Maybe this is just a way of flagging up your unhappiness. What stops you leaving?

mylittlepony6 Fri 10-Nov-17 06:51:51

It's a fool's paradise but you know that. You are hurting both partners (even if they don't know you have both checked out of yourgency marriages), you are hurting each other and you are also hurting yourself by contanstly leading a double must be exhausting.

BackInTheRoom Fri 10-Nov-17 06:53:16

@user1465910683 Please read some of John Gottmans books. He's been researching relationships for years even has a love lab. Wiki him. He'll give you some good advice about how to get your relationship back on track. Remember that you literally have to ween yourself off an affair partner because of the affair chemicals coursing around your body so be kind to yourself ok?

Barbaro Fri 10-Nov-17 07:04:39

Please tell your husband so he can leave you and be with someone who actually deserves him. You certainly don't.

user1465910683 Fri 10-Nov-17 07:07:31

Painting I do feel loved, in a practical way, my DH is reliable, dependable, honest, a great dad and a very good man. He shows me love in lots of ways that many husband's don't, he will do anything for me. However he struggles with emotions and feelings..

My little pony - it's not exhausting at all, the rush I get when I get a text or we kiss is exhilarating.

Bibbidde thanks I'll look at that

Bruceishavingfish Fri 10-Nov-17 07:09:07

Thank you everyone. I am going to end it once and for all.

All of a sudden you are going to end it. When you havent managed to end it, and stick to it, for over 25 years?

You husbands lack of effection isnt an excuse. You knew he was like that when you cheated before you were married. You could have not married him. Not cheated or got divorced.

For over 30 years you have allowed this man to take priority whenever he has shown up. It is a 30 year affair.

BackInTheRoom Fri 10-Nov-17 07:15:26


For over 30 years you have allowed this man to take priority whenever he has shown up. It is a 30 year affair.

Yes you could argue this is an 'Emotional Affair'.

Also OP, while you've been intimate with your AP, you would have been less intimate with your DH, thus less connected and comparing your DH to your AP....over the 30 year period.

BackInTheRoom Fri 10-Nov-17 07:16:19

Intimacy' = in to me you see

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