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He just doesn’t give a shit does he?

(25 Posts)
LoadOfOldBalls Thu 09-Nov-17 22:56:36

I have to finally accept he just doesn’t care and am devastated. OH, been together 5 years, both divorced, one child each. He’s always been a bit of a grumpy bastard and quite harsh on his kid (never really great with mine either but wouldn’t dare shout like he does with his own!)

I’ve always hated the way he bags them both-no let up for the poor souls. He never thinks to praise them or encourage them and just nags constantly about crappy inconsequential things that don’t matter much (leaving doors open, lights on etc). I’ve tried hard to tell him the kids need nurturing and encouraging and he says he’ll try harder, that it doesn’t come naturally etc and he has tried but is still a grumpy bastard. The kids wanted him us all to play a game together at the weekend for example and he couldn’t, he was ironing. Ffs. His relationship with them is practically nonexistent-his own child more so of course as he takes that one to sport twice a week etc but there have been times his child hasn’t wanted to come because he ‘always shouts’

I have tried so hard-showed him articles about raising kids etc etc etc and it gets slightly better then goes back to normal. My child doesn’t really chat to him about stuff now because experience has shown he’s not that interested really.

Last weekend it came to a head again and I told him this had to change or i’d go. He told me he’d do anything it took, would read up on stuff etc. Guess what? No change. I mentioned it again that night (big mistake-should just have gone!) and he went mad-I am crazy, a fucking idiot etc etc. He then spent 2 days totally ignoring me. I ignored him too because I was FUMING!! So today I flipped and we had a long text conversation (I know, but he’s so hard to actually talk to!) and he told me I was in the wrong, not just him. Did eventually apologise for the names and said again (!) he wants to try but ‘it’s not him’ and he finds it hard to be a parent-being loving and nurturing and praising etc doesn’t come naturally. He said he can’t just ignore the annoying things they do and believes in consistency. I asked what he’d changed since his promise at the weekend and he said ‘nothing’. I asked him did he feel he’s done enough to establish a positive relationship with the DC and he said no. I asked him why not, after all this time and he said it’s a gradual thing and won’t all come at once. I got really cross tonight and said i’m just trying to be an advocate for the kids when they can’t do it themselves. He said i’n Just using the children as an excuse to have a go at him. I flipped and said it’s over.

We’re supposed to be buying a house together. He owes money on credit cards (stuff we’ve both put on there but in his name) and I told him i’m not contributing to that (more out of anger but ffs if he’s going to be such a dick I have to leave, i’n Not going to make it easy for him!) and he said, wait for it, that he’ll get the money back in other ways then, like taking my DC’s contact lenses back from him which he paid for on the card. Wtf?!

He just doesn’t care does he? Me saying I was leaving made no difference-not a twitch from him. When I said about the money he went mad. He doesn’t give a shit about me or my child does he?

I need to accept this finally and get angry. I’ve been a walkover and treading on eggshells for too long. sad

He is great in lots of ways-very loving to me, nothing is too much trouble, does loads around the house, very generous...but all that’s nothing if he won’t make an effort for the kids is it?

SandyY2K Thu 09-Nov-17 23:02:21

Can't get over the contact lens thing....sorry...but he's hopeless. Cut uour loses.
I feel sorry for his DC... does he live with his own mum most of the time?

MooPointCowsOpinion Thu 09-Nov-17 23:05:26

Nah he's shit I'm afraid. You should pay your way for the credit card where you can, I think that's the moral thing to do. Separate quickly and spend some time rebuilding trust with your kid, it can't have been easy on them with all the shouting and controlling from this man.

MorrisZapp Thu 09-Nov-17 23:09:42

I can't think of any trait less attractive in a man than being a shit father.

Good fathers, I can forgive a lot.

Bad fathers, why even bother with a second date never mind five years. The sooner he's gone the better.

Mirrormirrorotw Fri 10-Nov-17 07:11:38

You're describing my ex. I stayed. It didn't end well for me or the children. I'm a shell of my former self.

Get out, now.

ShizeItsWeegie Fri 10-Nov-17 07:38:28

Whatever you do, keep the anger. Anger is a useful tool sometimes OP. You sound strong. Do it.

HeckyPeck Fri 10-Nov-17 08:30:06

He sounds horrible.

Life is too short to be with a grumpy crap dad. Especially when you have your own kid.

It sounds like you'd both be much happier without him.

AnyFucker Fri 10-Nov-17 08:36:33

Quit the empty threats, they are not working

Take action and leave

Teabay Fri 10-Nov-17 08:37:20

I left, sounds a lot like your situation.
My DC are FLOURISHING!!

Lordamighty Fri 10-Nov-17 08:38:43

Pay your share & then get the hell out of there. Being mean to children is a horrible trait, he doesn't even sound like he really thinks he is in the wrong.

PickAChew Fri 10-Nov-17 08:41:35

Yep, you've reached a real fork in the road. You really cannot buy a house with this man.

Acrosstheuniverse123 Fri 10-Nov-17 08:49:05

I just don’t think he knows how to be a Dad. What was his own father like? Contrary to the advice you have received so far, I would give it one last go. He has to go into proper therapy with a Psychotherapist. He needs to work through his own stuff. Maybe find a parenting class too. If you’ve never had a model off how to be a good father it is really hard. I suspect he’s repeating what he’s learned as a child. But unless he commits to this I would leave without delay. You do need to pay off half the debt though. It’s not going to help anyone if it’s more acrimonious than it needs to be. My father was like your husband. He wasn’t a bad personality, just hadn’t had a model of praise or love to emulate.

timeisnotaline Fri 10-Nov-17 08:56:14

Why would you give it another go? The op has tried. He doesn't care about being a good dad.

HeckyPeck Fri 10-Nov-17 10:37:03

I definitely wouldn't give it another go. It sounds like he's had chance after chance but doesn't actually want to change. He thinks his way is fine.

If he had psychotherapy just to appease the OP it wouldn't work as he doesn't really want to change.

Orangealien Fri 10-Nov-17 10:41:05

There is absolutely nothing in this relationship for you.

swingofthings Fri 10-Nov-17 10:47:57

You're both angry and frustrated and both more focused on your entitlement to say/do what you do than whether it is right or wrong. You saying that he would have to pay the full credit card despite acknowledging that it was joint purchase was wrong, so he responded with something even more wrong.

Either you go to counselling or you accept that it is over, but please take a deep breath and try to plan the separation as rationally as you can rather than scoring points.

IrianOfW Fri 10-Nov-17 11:20:06

It's over. Pay your share of the credit card.

Hissy Fri 10-Nov-17 15:34:47

I grew up with a dad like him. Did all sorts of damage to my self esteem.

You can't save his child, but you can save yours.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Fri 10-Nov-17 19:06:40

OP, I wouldn't put up with a man treating my dog the way he treats his and your children, and you've been putting up with it for 5 years?! Please, even if just for your child's sake, dump him before he does irrepareable psychological damage.

ToadsforJustice Fri 10-Nov-17 19:09:23

Run away.

Ellisandra Fri 10-Nov-17 19:15:58

You are bang out of order threatening not to pay your share of the debt, and I think you should hold the "WTF?!" over the contact lenses. Come on - he's hitting out because you've just threatened to effectively steal money from him. Far more than the value of contact lenses, I'm sure.

So just drop that.

But make plans to leave. And think twice before you move in together with someone who doesn't treat your child well, and in a way that's compatible with your own parenting.

Ragusa Fri 10-Nov-17 19:20:07

He's just not kind or giving enough. That's all there is to it. You are right to get rid.

Gemini69 Fri 10-Nov-17 20:00:05

how can you live like this OP..... you cannot seriously be considering buying a house with this man... you need to leave flowers

ChaChaChaCh4nges Fri 10-Nov-17 20:38:36

I do find myself wondering whether, if he’s too harsh on his DCs, you’re too lenient. Unless they’re tiny, there are times when it’s not appropriate to praise and encourage them; if they’ve left the light on for the 20th time despite having been told repeatedly not to then it’s OK to let them know that you’re not happy.

youchangeyourusername Fri 10-Nov-17 20:39:14

His poor kid  I bet they’ll be so sorry to see you and your DC go, if you’re the only one who seems to care.

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