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Was this considered rape?

(14 Posts)
didthishappen Thu 09-Nov-17 21:55:24

I’ve name changed for this but basically about 12 years ago when I was in my early 20s I used to go out a lot at the weekends and get really drunk with my friends.

I’ve just recently been having counselling for childhood abuse and this just came back to me, id totally forgotten it happened and the memory of this was such a shock to me and I feel so disturbed by it.

I wasn’t in a good place 12 years ago so used to go out and drink to oblivion. At the time I used to have casual sex with a guy Id met one night every few weeks or so and he had arranged to come back to my house after he’d been out with his friends and after I’d been out with mine.

I got a taxi back to mine after my night out, it was about 3am and I was very drunk. when the taxi got to my house, the taxi driver said to me can I come in for a coffee? I said ok, I knew In my stomach he wanted sex with me and I didn’t know what to do. We went into the house and he had sex with me and then left. About 10 minutes later the guy I’d arranged to see came round and I had sex with him like we’d arranged.

The next day I felt sick and so disgusted with myself that I must have completely blocked this out of my memory and it only just came back to me in my counselling.

I need to know, did the fact that I said he could come in even though I didn’t want him to and I knew what he wanted mean I gave consent? Im genuinely not sure and I’m sorry this has been long. 😔

Lostflipflop Thu 09-Nov-17 21:59:29

Do you remember if you told the taxi driver not to have sex with you?

TBH it's a bit too vague to say whether or not it was

Westworld Thu 09-Nov-17 22:00:50

I wouldn't consider that rape OP.
From what you've said you never gave him any indication that you didn't want to.
You might have been drunk, but you remember everything, so you can't have been in such an awful state that you weren't able to give consent.

Pinkpillows Thu 09-Nov-17 22:02:17

You said you knew he wanted sex when you said yes he can come in, you didn't tell him no at any point so not rape imo

thegoodnameshadgone Thu 09-Nov-17 22:04:11

Hope you are ok. Big hugs x

didthishappen Thu 09-Nov-17 22:04:11

I didn’t say he couldn’t come in because I was frightened and I didn’t say he could have sex with me he just did it. I just wondered if being so drunk means you can’t consent accurately. Than k you for your replies

newdaylight Thu 09-Nov-17 22:06:30

I think the previous posters are probably right but he was clearly an odious man who decided he could take advantage if you.

SuperSkyRocketing Thu 09-Nov-17 22:07:33

That's rape imo. He asked to come into your house for coffee not sex. You said yes to him coming in for coffee, in no way is that consenting to sex.

LemonysSnicket Thu 09-Nov-17 22:08:03

I think he being sober and having driven you he knew you were shitfaced and so his pursuit was very devious ...i don't know how it would stack up lawfully but in my eyes he deliberately targeted a vulnerable person and that makes it at minimum coersion

Pinkpillows Thu 09-Nov-17 22:14:06

If you think it was rape OP talk about it in your counselling sessions get help for it. It's what you think it was that matters ultimately

Threehoursfromhome Thu 09-Nov-17 22:14:17

I am sorry that happened to you.

Legally, the question comes down to whether the taxi driver reasonably believed that you gave consent - which is difficult to know at this remove. If you were very drunk, he may not have believed you gave consent but possibly, given you agreed to him coming inside, he did believe it.

I'm afraid, at this stage, you are unlikely ever to know what his beliefs were.

Ttbb Thu 09-Nov-17 22:17:08

That would indicate reasonable belief in consent unless he could tell that you were hopelessly drunk or you did something to discourage him.

didthishappen Thu 09-Nov-17 22:17:21

I just feel so disgusted with myself, I keep thinking did I allow this to happen. He was also a lot older than me and I found him physically repulsive. It’s a really painful memory of a really difficult time. But I accept that it was probably him just taking advantage of me

TammySwansonTwo Fri 10-Nov-17 05:43:17

Big hugs to you.

In legal terms, as things stand right now and based on what you've said, it's difficult to say. If you were extremely drunk then you can't legally consent to sex. There wasn't much info in your OP but then you you were scared of him and he just had sex with you without any signs from you. If hypothetically you went to the police he would argue that he asked to come in and you agreed so consent was implied.

However, none of that matters in terms of how you deal with it.Did you want to have sex with him? Were there other factors that coerced you (feeling unsafe, drunk etc)? If so it wasn't consensual and you don't have to explicitly say no for it to be rape. Freezing up, saying nothing is a common response to being assaulted. Clearly you feel this wasn't right. I know what it's like having been a child abuse victim who then goes on to be "taken advantage of" by several men. And "being taken advantage of" is simply a more acceptable phrase for sexually assault. If someone's using your vulnerability or trauma of drunkenness to get sex, that'does not equal consent.

I'm glad you're having some help with these issues and hope you can work through it x

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