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Can it ever work when you despise his friends?

(62 Posts)
Pombliboo123 Thu 09-Nov-17 19:39:45

This might get long...

DO and I together for 4 years, met his friends a few times early on and we didn't get on straight from the bat. They were unhappy that their "boy" was in a relationship and not out every weekend anymore.

Pretty much hardly saw them after the first few months, he went out with them more often than I would have liked but I never saw them.

Various issues over the years... they've all been friends since school and DP is too afraid to stand up to them or say no to things. He will lie and say he has to work rather than just say he doesn't want to go and get pissed that weekend because they will also him off and call him a kissy, under the thumb, putting me over them etc etc

They encourage him to make bad choices. I know he is an adult with his own mind but he seems so constantly desperate for their approval that he just goes along with things. Pathetic really. In the past this has included drugs (before I came along), encouraging him to crash at their place rather than come home to me (they know how much I hate him not coming home), inviting him places when they know we have something on and slagging him off when he says he can't etc etc etc

They are vile towards women. Having seen their "lads group chat"... some of the things they say are just disgusting.

I hate them. I feel like DP has 2 personalities, the one he is with me who is cute and sweet and funny (and lazy!!!! - definitely not perfect by any stretch) and some dumb little sheep who laughs along with them.

Fast forward to now ... we broke up a few months ago. I moved out. Later found out they encouraged him too because they thought I wouldn't let him go on a lads holiday (honestly I would have not been happy about him going away with them yo magaluf anyway)

We continued to see each other, but he hasn't told them... turns off his location on Snapchat when hes at mine so they can't see, says he's at his mum's when they ask why he isn't going out etc... purely because they are going to be angry with him for spending time with me over them.

All they want to do is get drunk, every weekend and I know DP doesn't enjoy it (compared to what he used too several years ago) but goes anyway so they don't start their shit.

It can never ever work with them in the picture. If he wanted to propose (not staying he would or does) ... he wouldn't because he woukd never hear the end of it. One of the more sensible friends has just had a baby and they've been nothing but awful about it... complaining that he won't come out whilst his girlfriend is due to give birth in 3 weeks etc....

I don't know why I'm posting. I know the answer I guess. I love him, and wish that he had decent, grown up, mature friends who encouraged him to grow as a person instead of acting like an 18 years old at nearly 30.

He wanted to join the armed forces a while back and when he told them they shagged him off that too so he didn't apply in the end, so they are holding him back.

I do know that the problem is him not having the balls to stand up to them and tell them to fuck off but it's like he's scared of them or something.

Sigh.

Booagain Thu 09-Nov-17 19:46:44

Oh hon, poor you. His friends sound like absolute wankers. I would hate all you’ve described too.
Problem is that they’ve grown up together. They’re like family right? And they’ve developed a weird pecking order I guess. It’s unlikely at this age that he’s going to change his friendship with them, especially if you’ve already broken up once because of them!
Get looking for someone who’s going to be a better match for you and not some 30 year old ‘lad’ who you want to slap round the face with a fish when he rolls in drunk after a night out.

Pombliboo123 Thu 09-Nov-17 19:47:29

Even reading it back I know what I would say to somebody if it was someone else's post... it would be my first LTB.

But it's hard when the love is there and you know he's better than that.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Thu 09-Nov-17 19:50:02

No, I'd say it probably can't work as it's important to have friends & it's extremely hard if they don't get on with your partner. That said they sound like pathetic fuckwits who need to grow the fuck up-your partner included.
I'd tell him to let you know when he's found his bollocks & sorted this particular issue -my guess is that will be never.

Pombliboo123 Thu 09-Nov-17 19:50:13

Thank you for your reply booagain...

The thought of ending it and never seeing him ever again has me crying... but you're right, they do see each other like family and that will never change.

I can see changes in him and I know he gets fed up of them and angry with them quite often but rants and raves to me but continues to carry on with them. Sometimes I think I can wait it out and hope he'll get so sick of their immature and pathetic ways and see the light but I'm just kidding myself

Fekko Thu 09-Nov-17 19:51:29

The sound like a bunch of 14 year olds. I'm assuming they are all single or not in serious relationships? Of course when they do get serious, they will be singing a different tune.

He needs to stand up to the group or back away from it.

Pombliboo123 Thu 09-Nov-17 19:55:21

Yes all single and never been in a relationship. Not surprising really since they are all vile pigs with awful views towards women and only topics of conversation are getting on the "sesh" and football...

Its such a shame really. We could have been amazing... he could do so much more with himself...

Booagain Thu 09-Nov-17 19:57:51

I’m sorry you’re so sad sad
But they are going to be such a strong influence on him, probably forever, and you can’t ever give him an ultimatum when it comes to friends. Sadly.
But you deserve more than this. You don’t want to carry on and risk him lying to you on nights out, worry about where he is, what state he’s got himself into because he can’t / won’t say no. He can rant to you all he likes but if he’s not changing his relationship with them, then I’d say you are best off without.
I used to date a lad. And now I’m married to a man. A proper awesome, kind and considerate guy. I didn’t know they existed when I was with ‘lad’ but they’re out there. Go and find yourself your gent.

SandyY2K Thu 09-Nov-17 20:08:05

You need to walk away from the relationship.... it just won't work because he has to have their validation and approval ... I mean turning off his location while with you says it all.

What do his family think about it all?

Goshthatwentwell Thu 09-Nov-17 20:12:55

It is him as much as it is them. Friendships change and evolve and their group has to adapt too.
If he can't change it's not a great sign. He'll be loyal - he's demonstrated he can do that but he needs to be able to grow up. The not applying for a job he wanted is a worry. Do you want to be with a man child.
What was his last girlfriend like?

AnyFucker Thu 09-Nov-17 20:13:13

Judge a person by the company they keep

He shares their morals and values. He just presents something else to you but it is false

Pombliboo123 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:19:09

I'm on my laptop now so hopefully not as many typos!

Thanks for all your replies.

I get on well with his family, but they all still see him as the baby of the family - and let him away with a lot of things as he's still "only young". He's 29 for goodness sake.

I am his first proper "grown up" girlfriend... so can't compare with what he was like in previous relationships...

When he gets angry, or when he didn't apply for the forces I have said to him that he can;t go on forever seeking their approval or he'll end up 50, still going out clubbing every weekend, probably a borderline alcoholic with nothing left but them. This turns into an argument every time - apparently I don't understand, their his best friends, they are only like this because they don't want to lose him, I wish he didn't have any friends, etc etc so on and so forth.

To be honest after all the things I read on here, and going by a lot of the men I know - I feel very negative about ever meeting anyone ever again!

AnyFucker Thu 09-Nov-17 20:21:56

Throw this one back, he's a non-starter

TerrifyingFeistyCupcake Thu 09-Nov-17 20:27:45

He's a weak and spineless man-child and he won't change. I couldn't respect a man that pathetic, much less shag him.

Part of being an adult is standing up for what you believe in and choosing who you want to spend time with. If he really values these losers so much, you have your answer. They can have him, and much joy may they bring him.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:29:25

AnyFucker has it 👏🏻 Your boyfriend is a grown up, he can make his own decisions and act in the way that he wants to... and he is doing so. He likes being 'one of the lads' and he wants to be in their gang. He just lies to you and says he doesn't enjoy it. It's hard as it's clear you're desperate to believe that he is different and that he is the person you want him to be, but he just isn't.

Pombliboo123 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:30:56

Cupcake - I wish I had the guts to come out and say almost exactly that.

When he's not around I think of all the things to say to express how I feel, and how to end it once and for all but when we are together and enjoying each others company I look into his face and imagine never seeing it again, or on somebody elses lips and I just can;t find the courage.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 09-Nov-17 20:31:50

He obviously doesn't object to their behaviour or he wouldn't spend time with them and he wouldn't care about their approval.

You seek approval from people you admire.

Some men, shit ones, put on a fake act when with women. Eventually their true self comes out. Looking at the company he choose to keep, the people he wants to approve of him, tells you what he truly aspires to be like.

Pombliboo123 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:32:59

But how can the DP he is when we are together, out for dinner, on holiday, at family parties, lazing in bed on a weekend morning etc... how can that all be fake?

Can he really be just as much of an arsehole as them and been putting on a pretty good act for the last 4 years?!

AnyFucker Thu 09-Nov-17 20:35:08

Yep

Booagain Thu 09-Nov-17 20:35:19

Are they all single? What’s happened when one of them has had a girlfriend?! Is it seen as a sign of weakness?? (Bet they’re all jealous of him to be honest - terrified their little group will get split and therefore sabotage it all)
His parents clearly haven’t helped your cause either.. think you’re fighting a losing battle hon, sorry sad

EverythingEverywhere1234 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:35:32

Because it's easy to be fake when it suits him. It suits him to keep you on side by saying he's nothing like them because that's what you want to hear when, in reality, he is like them and is clearly desperate to remain in with them.
He has the best of both worlds.

Pombliboo123 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:39:14

I agree with all the points made - talking it out helps. I don't really have anyone IRL I would be able to talk it through this much with.

Men are strange creatures is the only explanation I can come up with.

BrandNewHouse Thu 09-Nov-17 20:40:36

You know that saying “Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are” or “By your friends shall you be known”. That’s him.

He likes them. He chooses to spend time with them because he likes them.

Honestly, you can do better.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:41:28

I'm glad it's helping you to talk it out. People can be very shit. The long and short of it, not that it'll maybe help you much right now, is that he is just one man in half a world of men. He simply isn't the be all and end all. You deserve to be happy, and I just don't think he'll be the one to make you happy.

Pombliboo123 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:42:36

At the end of the day... nothing I do, say, buy or act is going to change this.

Its taken me 4 years to realise. They always come first, what they think, their opinions, what they want has always been prioritised over my wants, needs, opinions.

The hard part is telling him that

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