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How to win the trust back - please read

(35 Posts)
magentastights Thu 09-Nov-17 18:13:19

I’ve been seeing a man for four months after coming out of a six year relationship. My ex begged to see me last Monday night, stupidly I agreed and he ended up staying here. We didn’t have sex or go anywhere near each other. I’ve been so stupid - now new man says he can’t trust me and he doesn’t know if it’s fixable. We are still talking, I’m hoping it’s going to be ok.
I’ve never done anything like this before and I’m devastated that I’ve potentially ruined something good. Can anyone help me with how to gain his trust back? I’m so sad

userxx Thu 09-Nov-17 18:39:46

You can't do anything. It's up to him if you he wants to continue with you. Tell him you're sorry, then leave him while he decides what to do.

PNGirl Thu 09-Nov-17 18:41:40

You can't do anything but I think changing your number and blocking your ex on any email or social media would certainly help.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 09-Nov-17 18:43:19

I agree. There's nothing you can do, except give him space to decide what he wants to do. Incidentally, your ex sounds like he's playing mind games. Try not to fall for his 'begging' in future.

BrandNewHouse Thu 09-Nov-17 18:47:00

I’d be careful if he came back too quick actually OP. You might find he quite like that stick you’ve given him to beat you with.

magentastights Thu 09-Nov-17 18:52:50

Never thought of it like that Brandnewhouse.
Thanks for the insight 🌹

CoyoteCafe Thu 09-Nov-17 18:56:55

It's a 4 month relationship and he's all freaked out about you NOT having sex with someone else? And this is after being forth coming about how you spent Monday night?

Eh, let him have his space. If he's really into you, he'll come back. If not, just as well to find out now.

(Was he cheated on in the past? Is he may be projecting?)

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Thu 09-Nov-17 19:06:33

The important thing here is that your conscience is clear. You say you've never done anything like this before, so never had a friend stay over and not had sex with them? That's how out of perspective this is.

Maybe, for all kinds of reasons, letting your ex stay over wasn't the best choice ever, but you've given your BF your assurance that nothing happened between you, nothing and presumably you wouldn't think of anything happening either - so what's he saying? he thinks you're a liar?

If this has ruined your relationship, he isn't the kind of person you need in your love life.

picklemepopcorn Thu 09-Nov-17 19:15:53

I agree. This isn’t the kind of incident that ends relationships, it’s just a wrapping up of past relationship. They don’t necessarily end tidily.

Worriedrose Thu 09-Nov-17 21:39:26

I think his reaction is very worrying op
I wouldn't be happy if something like that happened, but as an adult I would understand that the end of a long relationship is complicated
What if you wanted to stay friends with your ex?
How would he feel. I might be paranoid, but I am seeing a red flag here

beesandknees Thu 09-Nov-17 21:43:28

This is the kind of incident my exh merrily held over my head for 10 years as a handy way to keep me cowed and obedient.

I'd be wary op

Pinkpillows Thu 09-Nov-17 21:44:52

How is this a red flag? BF is worried that OP isn't over her ex, and isn't sure of her. Don't see what's wrong with him saying lets cool things off

Jellyheadbang Fri 10-Nov-17 01:32:33

I'm sorry I would have trouble understanding why my bf would have his ex over to stay unless they shared kids and there was a good child related reason.
This early in the relationship you haven't formed strong foundations, he's bound to feel insecure about what might have happened.

I speak as someone who had a few similar incidents early in a relationship. I tried to trust the guy but in the end stuff like that eroded the trust between us. I wish I'd ended it earlier on instead of persevering and never really trusting him and feeling insecure. Tbf he did lie a lot so my mistrust was not unfounded but it made it difficult for us to move on from any arguments as I was always anxious and on edge because of it.

The ball is in your court: do you want to stay and try and convince him or move on?

HirplesWithHaggis Fri 10-Nov-17 01:59:53

The red flag for me would be all the fucking drama new bf is creating. Doesn't know if he can trust you, or if it's fixable? Four months in, when it should all be loveydovey and mutual adoration? hmm Sounds to me that he'd expect you to spend the rest of your relationship with him "fixing" his trust issues. Do you want to have to explain your every move, every conversation, every night out with the girls?

CoyoteCafe Fri 10-Nov-17 02:08:09

I agree that its worth having a fight over. If I were in a relationship and the other person did this, I'd be upset, want to make sure they are really over ex, talk about our boundaries with others, figure out if we are on the same page, etc. (I know people who've had sex with their ex's. I would be concerned).

What makes this red flagish to me is, new man says he can’t trust me and he doesn’t know if it’s fixable. So rather than taking the incident as a bad judgement call, he sees it as a character flaw. May be it's just a word choice, but the words used seem unreasonable for what happened.

Some emotionally abusive men love love love to have something that they can use against a woman to keep her in her place, to keep her under control, to keep her walking on eggshells, to limit her contact with others. This situation would totally work for that. So my advice is sure, own the behavior wasn't wise / showed a lack of appropriate boundaries / whatever, but nothing more. If he can't get over it, then good riddance.

Even asking how to earn back trust is an odd question -- she's asking how she can turn summersaults for new man to convince him she's not shagging everyone else.

SandyY2K Fri 10-Nov-17 07:50:26

I think it's reasonable that he's upset about it and that the trust is now an issue.

If you heard his Ex spent the night and nothing happened hire would you feel.

All to often a man becomes the wrongdoer on MN, even in circumstances a blind man could see through.

MorrisZapp Fri 10-Nov-17 07:55:19

Good old MN. Where a woman can have sleepovers with her ex, and the new boyfriend is an abuser for not liking it.

OP, all you can do is explain what happened and let your bf decide what he wants to do.

ShatnersWig Fri 10-Nov-17 08:13:27

Quite, Morris and Sandy

In the bf's shoes I would also be concerned the OP wasn't over her ex and would be extremely wary. There is absolutely no reason to have an ex over to stay.

picklemepopcorn Fri 10-Nov-17 08:15:44

It’s perfectly reasonable for him to say he didn’t like it and doesn’t want her to do it again.

It’s the wording. He actually says he 'can’t trust her and doesn’t know if it’s fixable'.

He hasn’t caught her lying to him, why wouldn’t he trust her?

He sounds like hard work, and is setting the OP up to have to work at keeping him happy.

magentastights Fri 10-Nov-17 08:20:47

Thanks for all your opinions, ladies. Meeting him at 12 for a coffee. I’ll certainly be looking at him with different eyes

ShatnersWig Fri 10-Nov-17 08:27:47

Um, not everyone on MN is a lady, actually.

Pickle We don't know how the man actually discovered her ex had stayed over. Did he find out for himself? Had the OP denied it before that? Did she volunteer the information? We don't actually KNOW many facts at all.

Great how the OP know is looking at her boyfriend through different eyes because a couple of strangers have decided him not liking her ex staying over four months into their relationship is a major red flag.

I can just imagine how this would go if the genders were switched.

Man: Oh, my ex stayed over last night, nothing happened.
Woman: Oh OK, no problem.
MN: Of COURSE they slept together.

Seen that time and time again

user21 Fri 10-Nov-17 08:31:53

I would be quite pissed off if I was him tbh

sooperdooper Fri 10-Nov-17 08:56:17

OP as another angle, if you're still wanting to meet up with your ex, and you were together for 6 years are you really ready for another relationship so soon?

Maybe you need a bit of time on your own to figure things out rather than trying to sort things out with this new bloke

Cricrichan Fri 10-Nov-17 09:26:22

I wouldn't be happy if this happened to me but I would discuss it and ultimately, you have to trust the person you're with or break up.

I could easily have spent the night with an ex and nothing happened. I don't think I would because I'd be worried what message it would send, but it wouldn't be because I'd be tempted to sleep together. Once the relationship ends, that's it.

You've done nothing wrong so I would advise that you explain that to him and it's up to him whether he believes you and trusts you and if he doesn't then it's over. You're not going to spend time apologising and reassuring over something that didn't happen.

SandyY2K Fri 10-Nov-17 09:40:27

It’s the wording. He actually says he 'can’t trust her and doesn’t know if it’s fixable'.

There's nothing wrong with the wording IMO.

I wouldn't trust a new BF who had his Ex stay the night either...

He's questioning if he csn get past the issue and move forward ... perfectly reasonable.

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