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Healthy or downright wrong

(25 Posts)
LargeBasketcase Thu 09-Nov-17 13:49:50

I have changed user name because I'm a little bit embarrassed about this. I'm also upset and very confused. I know there are people that are totally against this for a relationship and it's something I would have thought myself all way! But life experience and maturity im now a firm believer in never say never not until you're in the situation and what beliefs you might have had at one stage might not be the same beliefs you have now.
I'm talking about swinging. If you had told me it is more common than I thought I would never have believed it. Myself and dp joined a site to see if it was something that would excite both of us together. I am not 100% but curiosity made me agree. We have met two other couples for drinks only and it was lovely to chat and I was fascinated at the lifestyle. It is also nice to be giving compliments and it's in a weird way flattering .Nothing happened and myself and dp partner were ok about that. I don't particularly want to take it any further now but he doesn't see the problem. I think we have a lot going on in our lives at the moment and this is something that needs attention where I just don't have that right now. This has brought a conversation where I'm feeling now I'm not enough. It's become a hit and a slight addiction for him and I don't like this. It's not real and it makes me feel that our relationship can't go back to the way it was if I don't agree. He says it's ok and we can stop , won't take this any further but I know there's disappointment in his voice. I know he goes onto the site and is just looking.
I know it's a very personal topic but I would love to hear from other people who might have tried it, who are trying it, or have advice. I have told dp that it's a make or break for us as I don't want to be made feel like a baloon popper!

mindutopia Thu 09-Nov-17 14:16:02

I think you have to both be on the same page about this and it's a bit of a pandora's box to open up if you aren't completely respectful of each other's concerns when it comes to this stuff. Yes, it's much more common that you would imagine. I know several couple who do/have in the past and I did with a previous partner (not my dh). I totally get the appeal, but it can open up wounds you never knew you had and your relationship has to be both secure and also really respectful before you go there. I totally get why it's exciting and fun (it was), but knowing how it eventually made me feel with my partner (who wasn't a serious long term partner I would have really wanted a future with, to be fair), it's not something I would bring into my marriage personally. It's totally okay though to explore something and then to decide you don't want to go any further. Your dh should be respecting that and should leave this in the past and move on with your relationship if you are both truly committed to each other. But if he really isn't sure he can, maybe you aren't quite right for each other and this is something he needs to explore and get out of his system? You didn't say how long you've been together and what your situation is, so I don't know how serious things were before you got to this point. Just curious, who brought it up to begin with? And has he done it with previous partners?

LargeBasketcase Thu 09-Nov-17 14:25:46

Thank you for that. It's interesting that you don't do it with your husband. A lot of the couples seem to be married. My theory was always if you're happily married you don't want anybody else but the rationale that others seem to give on the site is that they are extremely happy together but like the fun excitement and it makes them appreciate each other more. I don't know about that myself as I've said I've just dipped my toe in but I just think I'm going back to my thinking that it's not for some one like me. We are together 10 years. I just feel in a way that I just assumed we would never need anything else and this bothers me because I feel now he needs it. And that makes me very sad. I could be over analysing it but I know if I said ok he jump at the chance and that doesn't sit well with me. I told him this morning that I feel our relationship is taking a huge nosedive and I'm not sure I can come back from that. I don't want this to resurface in a year or two and have to deal with it again.

SparklingRaspberry Thu 09-Nov-17 16:02:23

Honestly it doesn't sound like you should do this at all.

Swinging is a personal choice. I'm one of the people who think if you're genuinely happy with somebody you wouldn't want to be so intimate with somebody else. Sure, I see attractive men. But the only person I want to be intimate with is my partner, which is why if he wanted to try swinging I'd have to end things as I'd then be constantly worrying that I wasn't enough for him.

Why now?
Why after 10 years? Has anything happened recently?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 09-Nov-17 16:15:56

Everyone is different.
This is about YOU and what YOU are comfortable with.
If you don't want to take it any further then your DP should respect that.
If he does and you don't then it's time to split and go your separate ways as you both want different things from a relationship.
I say each to their own and good on you if you want to do that kind of thing.
It really wouldn't be for me though.
I'd actually hate it.

TammySwansonTwo Thu 09-Nov-17 16:15:58

This is something I could never do, and you definitely don't want to be the less keen partner going along with this. Recipe for disaster.

Have been with my husband 10 years and I have absolutely no need for anyone else. He gives me all the affection, validation, compliments, sex etc I need. I'd be heartbroken if he felt he wanted / needed more from someone else. Personally I can't think of much I want to do less than have sex with someone else, especially in this setting.

I think you need to put the brakes on this quickly and have some in depth conversations about why you got to this point. Obviously for some people this is fine but clearly you're not one of them! How did you end up meeting couples when you feel this way? are you trying to keep him happy?

Beowulf007 Thu 09-Nov-17 16:20:21

He likes the site as he wants to have sex with other women. Ie, not you. This isn't healthy in my opinion.

LargeBasketcase Thu 09-Nov-17 17:12:27

Beowolf it isnt that black and white and i dont think any swinger couple would agree that the swing cos they dont want to have sex with their partner. Sure people could go off and have an affair on the quiet if that was the case.
To everyone else thank you for replies. I am not trying to just keep him happy. I wouldnt do something for a man if i realised no that isnt for willing to try things but that is why i have decided i cant do this and am questioning his disappointment.
We have always had a close relationship where we communicate. Yes in recent months i have developed a health condition (wont disclose) so i suppose part of me felt i wanted keep things exciting and thought this might. He still tells me im amazing etc etc. But i dont feel it myself and suppose low self esteem has me at this point. I just dont see how we can go forward or back now.

LargeBasketcase Thu 09-Nov-17 17:14:51

Tammy im not sure indepth conversations will help. Im saying no he's saying ok but why. If i have to explain then i feel he doesnt get it and will never and will lead to resentment. I dont want that

chestylarue52 Thu 09-Nov-17 17:23:00

So he's disappointed. I deal with disappointment all the time. It's not the end of the world. If you don't want to, definitely don't.

Because if you do it once, and you hate it and he likes it, he'll still be disappointed, and you'll have the Ick feeling of having done something sexual you didn't really want to just to please a partner.

Say firmly and positively that you don't want to. Don't explain yourself. Say that you just feel like you don't want to (the truth). Then move on to think of other exciting things you can do just ths two of you.

chestylarue52 Thu 09-Nov-17 17:24:42

I don't think in depth conversations are a good idea. Be short, bright, positive. "No, not for me, I'm pleased we looked into it tho. What next on our exciting sexual adventure together?"

Kr1st1na Thu 09-Nov-17 17:29:47

Are you saying that he won’t accept you just stating that you don’t want to try it? That he wants you to give another reason that he thinks is good enough.

TammySwansonTwo Thu 09-Nov-17 18:11:23

I'm not suggesting you should explain your reasons to him - no is a complete sentence. I just think in your position I'd want to talk about why he's trying to push it

Namethecat Thu 09-Nov-17 18:26:54

Could you bring something new to your sex life instead ? Role play (dressing up in fantasy wear,act being someone else ) sex in different / exciting places. Sexual scenarios etc. You could dominate. Perhaps that's all you need.

Iamok0303 Thu 09-Nov-17 18:37:16

Why am I getting a feeling that he is pushing you into this?
Are you comfortable with the thought of him having his ways with another woman? How will you feel in regards to intimacy with him after?
Do you think you will feel the same way about yourself if you participated?
Are you ready to loose him if he decides to do this without you?

My ex did this. Him and his wife back then. They were never the same again and parted ways shortly after. My ex mum in law cought her then husband doing swinging. He invited her to tag along, he said it would be fun, but like you felt she was not enough. They divorced within a year after she found out.

CoyoteCafe Thu 09-Nov-17 18:49:19

But i dont feel it myself and suppose low self esteem has me at this point

Don't do it. There would be two big problems with you agreeing to swing.

1. You would feel bad about him having sex with someone else. It would hurt.

2. You would feel pressured to have sex with someone else. Having sex with a man you don't know because you feel pressured to do so isn't OK.

Swinging wouldn't be for me. I'm just not wired that way. A good friend of mine and her DH went through a phase were they were into it, and she I talked about her experiences. It helped me drop of my judgements of other people doing things that work for them. None the less, it wouldn't be for me and I don't think ANYONE should feel pressured into having sex with strangers.

LargeBasketcase Thu 09-Nov-17 22:20:13

I didn't feel pressurised at the beginning it was almost a bit of fun it is lovely to meet other new couples in any setting and to chat. Was surprisingly normal and nice and we came away feeling we had a very good strong bond we compare ourselves to the others and felt that we had much stronger Bond.
It isn't his desire to have sex with other women. It's the turn on for him to see me with another man that's what seems to be the turn on for him.
But I have always been a one woman man I'd like to be intimate with just who I love.
I have tried dressing up and other ways to inject a bit of fantasy but this is the biggest turn on for him. He keeps coming back to it.he away working at the moment and we haven't spoken all day because of this.
Short of saying it stops or we end i don't know what to do. Because in his eyes Pandora's box (his fantasy) has been opened and now I'm shutting it and he doesn't understand why even though I have explained it. I admire couples who can do it. I still question whether they have true love or always have one eye open. That or they just have a very open relationship or fantasies about each other. I just think my true self of one person and make it work with them it's what I want.
Maybe I was stupid to go along with the ride and asked to be stopped halfway through because I don't like it. But he's making me feel like a party pooper. And I always considered myself fun and up for a bit of devilment.i knew in my heart it wasn't right for us and I was right.
I think of other people on the site and I wonder do they really love each other.

Greedynan Thu 09-Nov-17 22:30:26

What about something less 'intimate' than swinging... perhaps some sort of sex club where you both just watch rather than get involved...? There'd have to be clear boundaries though and any kind of pressure is absolutely not ok?? I don't know...? It's just that you enjoyed the meeting of other couples, you find the idea exciting but you don't want to physically engage. Could there be an alternative perhaps?

Greedynan Thu 09-Nov-17 22:32:38

However, that saud, him making you feel like a party pooper is NOT ok at all. That's bullying basically. So I'd be very cautious about what you agree to because I think he might try to pressure you into something you're not totally comfortable with

Pinkpillows Thu 09-Nov-17 22:38:59

Strikes me he wants his way with women but dressing it up as his fantasy is hot wifing

Do what you feel comfortable doing and only that

yetmorecrap Thu 09-Nov-17 23:27:31

Crikey, do Not go along with this if you feel uncomfortable just so he can get his rocks off. I am beginning to feel like a party pooper on here and I do realise sex matters more to some than others , but the hoops some of us feel we have to be cool with or jump through so someone else gets a buzz really I think are getting nuts. There are things I am happy to do to make someone happy, book a nice break, cook a nice meal, but a nice present, care for them when sick, swinging , dressing up etc isn’t in the equation if it doesn’t feel right or comfortable to me . if Someone needs all that to get off, I don’t need them!!’

CoyoteCafe Fri 10-Nov-17 02:15:02

marriage counseling.

If he is going to give you the silent treatment and be sulky because you don't want to try swapping, try marriage counseling. You are having serious relationship problems. But may be they can be fixed with counseling.

MistressDeeCee Fri 10-Nov-17 03:27:02

It's the turn on for him to see me with another man that's what seems to be the turn on for him

If you don't want to have sex with another man then don't. If this is your DH's fantasy and he wants it so much that its causing bad feeling and today he isn't talking to you then, its already gone too far. Its sexual and emotional bullying. & as you have already guessed, changing it into "another fantasy" won't really help. This is his fantasy, what he wants to happen

Say no, keep it short and sweet, and hope that he comes round to your way of thinking on this as if he doesn't, you will no longer have a relationship

No decent man would want to pressure his wife into sex with another man, to suit his crave.

Namethecat Fri 10-Nov-17 11:53:13

As much as my earlier post suggested role play, sex in unusual places etc, this was suggested to help you BOTH spice things up mutually, a healthy sex life is such because you both get something out of it. Your oh giving you the silent treatment because you do not want to swing is frankly childish and he doesn't deserve any type of sex. Obviously I do know your husband but due to his current behaviour suggests his next statement might be ' Do this or I'll go out of the marriage to get my kicks ' . I'd be getting things in place of I were you.

LargeBasketcase Sat 11-Nov-17 14:17:30

It wasn't so much him giving me the silent treatment it was more me needing time to think and didn't want to discuss it while you was away which I said to him.he know the best thing is to give me time to think about things. To set back and choose my words carefully so I don't say something I don't mean which can happen in a heated debate. Since then we have discussed it I'm extremely important to him and he wouldn't risk losing that. However part of my brain is saying still that it shouldn't have got to this and because it did it has left a sour taste in my mouth. Maybe time will help to see but once you bring something to the table it's very hard to just forget about it.

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