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why can't we let go

(4 Posts)
BasicallyBiscuit Thu 09-Nov-17 13:22:58

Bit of a long one ...

Me and my ex were together for a year. Doesn't feel like a long time, but we moved in after 2 months together so it feels like we spent a lot of time together. It was very intense to say the least - I think the longest we spent apart during the relationship was 4 days when I went to see family.

The relationship itself had very unstable foundations. We started off very casually because we were both in bad places - so we both wanted a no-pressure arrangement. This escalated pretty quickly into a relationship, to which he was pushing for more time together, more "dating" type behaviours such as meeting the parents, family, coming to each other's special occasions and so on.

He really was my best friend. We have a lot in common - difficult childhoods, both quite emotionally intelligent, both interested in the same things and the same sense of humour.

His behaviour in the last month of the relationship was in his words, appalling. He started to treat me with a lack of respect - for example, lying about his whereabouts on nights out (smoking weed at a mate's instead of out in town). These lies perplexed me because he I wasn't bothered where he was! I trusted him, but all the lies about insignificant things made me lose this, and I started to become paranoid.

I think because of this, I started to cling to him more - I started to doubt whether he wanted to be in this anymore. As I got closer he started to pull away. This caused arguments and made me feel like I was the problem.

He has a problem with drinking, and becomes Jekyll and Hyde. His anger is always directed at me when drinking. He says very hurtful things when drunk, and can't remember saying them the next day. For example, he said that he would cheat on me if I didn't leave him - the next day he said this was complete bullshit, and that he didn't ever think about anyone else. His previous partner before me cheated on him, and he said he wouldn't put me through that, that it was cruel etc.

He actually broke things off when he was drunk after a night out, where he said things weren't working, and that his behaviour was a sabotaging effect trying to push me away. He begged me to break up with him, but I said I didn't want to leave him. Eventually, he said it was over so I left.

This was three weeks ago. In that time, contact has been frequent. He texts me saying he still loves me, still cares about me, still wants good things for me, that he's in love with me, that he's scared he'll never meet anyone like me, that it's sad me not being in his house, that he constantly thinks he sees me places and gets excited then disappointed when it isn't me, that he constantly thinks about me and can't think of one negative thing I ever did to him and that he constantly looks for others to get the level of interaction we had, but is always disappointed when he doesn't. We have 2 hour phone calls frequently to catch up. I've stayed over with him 4 times since the breakup.

He said that this contact was confusing him, but then also asked to meet up this weekend for dinner. We've both admitted to each other that we've tried to cut contact, but something always stops us doing this. He said he vowed not to contact me this week, but couldn't help himself. I wish I could ignore him, but I just really can't.

He's started therapy for drinking and counselling. And Ive started bereavement counselling for a family member I lost 2 years ago.

I know a lot of people on here (perhaps quite rightly) advocate no-contact as a rule after a breakup. I'm honestly at the point after 3 failed attempts to do this, of utter despair. I can't seem to break the ties - and he said he can't do this either.

Ellisandra Thu 09-Nov-17 13:40:51

Does your bereavement counsellor only deal with bereavement or can they help you with wider issues?

You urgently need to work out why you're letting him treat you like shit, and how to stop yourself from allowing it.

Pixielemons Thu 09-Nov-17 15:38:59

I don't understand why he's treating me badly ?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 09-Nov-17 16:24:15

but I just really can't
Well you can if you really WANT to but you don't.
That is the crux of it.
If you want to cut contact then do just that.
Block him from all social media.
All messenger apps.
All email contact.
Block and delete his phone number.
It's is quite simple if you really want that.
But you don't want that.
You want to carry on.
Nothing we can say will change that.

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