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Midlife Crisis ? Affair ? or just doesn't love me pt 2

(22 Posts)
user1470296287 Thu 09-Nov-17 12:41:39

Following on from my thread from last year i had all these unanswered questions and now 19 months later i know the truth finally .

It was OW all along, he left in March 2016 saying he no longer loved me totally out of the blue and left me to drown in the distress and pick up the pieces all along denying that there was someone else, i always had my suspicions and my gut feeling has always been strong.

He told my DS (16) 2 weeks ago that he had a girlfriend and it was the Women suspected from up North but had only been going on for a few weeks ( yeah right !) but it won't be for long as its not working out with her DS (8) who in his words is a bloody nightmare as he has adhd. And the travelling at weekends was too much and not worth it.

Im gutted all over again, its nice to know that i was right all along and it wasn't me that was the problem he made me feel like i had done something terrible to deserve this treatment, it was good old fashioned greener grass syndrome and now after everything he put us through it has come to nothing.

I have managed to do very well with what was left and have a good life without him and my DS is doing very well at college, but why do i feel so terrible again its really knocked me back in the healing process.

Also why did he feel the need after all this time to tell my DS who really doesn't need to know especially as he was thinking of ending it, its another thorn in my side that he has thought this normal behaviour to tell DS about his love life !!.

I don't know what I'm asking really but felt the need to update in the hope that someone might give me the kick up the backside and help me put this in perspective and not let it hurt me all over again..i was doing so well before this news.

Thanks for reading and hopefully replying .

GeriT Thu 09-Nov-17 12:50:15

I am at the start of this cycle.

Being lied to and led on.

Not being told the truth.

I give up. He can go and be with her.

greenberet Thu 09-Nov-17 14:07:27

Perhaps because he feels shit it hasn't worked out and he could see you getting on with your life and both you & your Ds being ok and he wants to scupper this so that you feel the same as him

Whilst it was working he probably wasn't bothered about you - did he think his Ds was hard work but now knows he wasn't compared to OWs Ds - has he been neglecting his own DS and now wants to try and rebuild a relationship?

I think you need to allow yourself a bit of time just to absorb this piece of news - even though you suspected having it confirmed will hurt. No doubt its triggered off a lot of it all over again.

You need to keep your boundaries strong - I'm not sure if he's going to try and come back saying it was all a mistake - maybe she got fed up with him? But if he can lie to you like he did he will be up to something that's for sure and he is softening you up via your ds

user1470296287 Thu 09-Nov-17 15:23:07

Thankyou for your reply greenberet,

Those have been my thoughts as well but didn't think he would be silly enough to think i would entertain him.
Our DS is a very well liked and respectful young man and was always a treat to take anywhere he has never been hard work so maybe he has started to realise the family he threw away was actually a good family and he won't be finding that very easily again with someone else.

I have made a lot odf positive changes to our lives since this has happened and have security totally on my terms, whereas he has a rented 1 bed flat and a drink problem so its not really got him very far, so sad as he used to be a very well liked and respected Man himself but has shunned everybody who belonged to his past life with me.

Sad story really as I'm sure that grass is not so green now as it seemed 18 months ago.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 09-Nov-17 16:33:24

It's sad.
And that makes you sad.
That he threw it all away for what...??
You went through hell and back and he didn't care and now it's all backfired and he's nothing to show for it.
It's almost better if it works out as you know it was 'worth it'
Now it hasn't, it's brought it all back to you and it was all for 'nothing' so to speak.
My ExH is 50's and living with him mum and dad after cheating on all his consecutive partners, working a low paid job when he was once an MD.
And it makes me sad - 8 years later, that he threw away a good life, good career and wonderful family for nothing.
But you are in a better place so it was 'worth it' for you.
If that makes sense?
But you are still a kind person and it's not nice to see someone who was a big part of your life falling apart.

Straycatblue Thu 09-Nov-17 16:56:03

Suspect he told your son knowing he would tell you with the hope that it would unbalance you and illicit some sort of sympathy for him (boo hoo ) and he could come waltzing back into your life after he ends it with the OW.

I wouldnt be surprised if he gets in contact in the near future wanting to discuss things and then try to ingratiate himself with you.

Hermonie2016 Thu 09-Nov-17 18:05:07

I remember your thread.I also think it is to gain sympathy and perhaps to test your sons reaction.

It is a waste and to know he lied all along is tough..this was a man you thought you knew.

Most mid life crisis do seem to be affairs so you have helped others as sadly there are a great many men who go through dissatisfaction at some stage and another woman usually appears.

Keep going, you will be happier but it takes some time, at least 2 years so don't be hard in yourself.

Namethecat Thu 09-Nov-17 18:13:10

The thing to remember is all the shit and emotional turmoil he put you through. Write it down, think it over. Then rip it up and throw it in the bin ! You have ditched his memory in the same way he ditched you when a new ow came on the scene. You are not that person any more and I'm sure you don't want to be. It's natural to have a wobble, but that is only what it is nothing more. You have a new life. He is not part of that.

user1470296287 Thu 09-Nov-17 20:22:50

My DS has just come back from having dinner with ex and he told him he is still seeing OW as its her big birthday weekend and is spending it up north with her....this info is given to me innocently by DS and I'm always polite but its killing me, I'm so angry with myself for letting it get to me the way it does but its just so bloody painful even now.

Still feel this is to big a part of my life even though i have moved on in every other way i just can't seem to shake the ghost of my marriage.

Sorry just feeling absolutely awful and low tonight x

Longandwingingroad Thu 09-Nov-17 23:13:31

Just wanted to let you know I'm going through something similar. Met with my stbexh last week, to show him my unreasonable behaviour reasons. I.e. starting a relationship while married, and that I didn't believe that the woman I repeated asked was he leaving me for, just got together 6 months later. The meeting was emotional as he talked about all the good times and how things reminded him of me all the time. Come away thinking all this pain and hurt is for nothing. Also saw glimpses of the man I used to know. I was an emotional wreck for two days. However, we all make choices and some we live to regret. It is his loss and it sounds like he might be seeing that now, but you can never go back to the relationship you once had.

user1470296287 Fri 10-Nov-17 13:06:20

Really have hit a low today,

I feel right back to the beginning and all the anxiety and pain is like a lump in my chest.

Feel so rejected and thrown aside haven't felt like this for about a year i was getting strong and still functioning , but today i feel i don't want to believe he could be so bloody cruel.

Sorry for the pity party I'm hoping someone can talk some sense into me. x

userxx Fri 10-Nov-17 13:17:56

You have not go back to the beginning, its just a small step backwards for now. Its only a few days since you found this new information out, so its bound to be hurting.

Try and take the positive from it, your gut instinct was spot on and you know going forward to trust it. Keep busy this weekend, don't let intrusive thoughts take over.

Melony6 Fri 10-Nov-17 13:52:17

I am wondering if you are letting your son know that you are upset to hear about ex. I don't mean land your sadness on DS, but it seems manipulative, what ex is doing and I think that you should have an honest talk with DS and say how hurt you are and that in future you'd prefer if he didn't pass on ex's confessions to him, but you are happy to discuss if DS is worried about something but otherwise you have separated and live separate lives now.
It is fairer on DS to know how things stand. He will sense the tension or sadness so better he is informed (but not involved) imv.
YOu could also tell DS that he is entitled to tell ex that he doesn't want to hear about ex's relationships, thanks!

Wormulonian Fri 10-Nov-17 14:27:24

Your Ex is a bad father by treating your son like a confidante. He is his son not his "mate down the pub" and your Ex should be mindful of the situation. He should not be using DS as a sounding board and relating information that might be difficult for him(and you) to process. What a swine!
I bet in his mind he has rationalised that your DS is fine with it all.

Thinkingofausername1 Fri 10-Nov-17 15:09:51


greenberet Fri 10-Nov-17 15:39:45

I think you x is being intentionally cruel _ first saying to Ds it was over then back on with big birthday celebration - is there anything that has happened recently for him to want to behave this way - either you or Ds that has had a success or something that he may feel jealous of.

Either way it does not excuse his behaviour but it may give you a heads up if there is some connection because if so it is more than likely he will do this sort of thing again - basically to achieve exactly what he has.

user1470296287 Fri 10-Nov-17 23:18:42

Thankyou for your replies,

I think my ex is disgusting telling my DS this info as he has kept it hidden for 18 months and now is telling him its only just started but won't last long because OW Ds hit him with a stick, she also has bipolar and the son has problems and my ex will not be able to handle that in the long term, he really didn't need to tell my DS this I'm sure it was meant for my ears(why i still don't understand) and DS is his only link to me now as i won't talk to him. My poor DS i just want him to be a young man having fun and not having to process his fathers mess of a life.

I have had a word with myself today and decided that i need to pull myself back out of this hole as i have a lot to be grateful for and i can't let him drag me back to that horrible time last year.

Thankyou all for your kind comments and also your take on this silly situation its helped more than you know as you have helped me put everything back in to perspective.

Onwards and upwards i will not be the loser in this i have my self respect and I'm totally guilt free.

Thanks for listening it helps to know i have somewhere to put my thoughts out there and receive some useful feed back x

another20 Sat 11-Nov-17 00:53:46

Well done OP. It is good to acknowledge and then analyse and process what you feel. Don't be scared to feel upset, hurt, confused - you have been through a lot. It is great that you have steadied after that wobble - you are strong, dignified and resilient and your DS will be to.

midsummabreak Sat 11-Nov-17 01:19:35

You still have a lot of love to give and far better not to waste it on him. Very normal to feel gutted, its still early days and youve only just found out this news. While there will always be memories of the good times, you were right that he was a lier and best to save your love for someone able to be honest about where they are at. I would get Ds time out with an uncle or positive male role model to support him.

user1470296287 Sat 11-Nov-17 16:23:54

Thanks everyone I'm feeling so much better today, and can even feel myself getting back to the i don't give a shit place which is nice to be in.

I have just been for a lovely walk in the woods with my new puppy and returned back to my lovely new house and now about to spend the evening with my lovely family...This is what its all about i feel content in my surroundings.

I have pulled myself back up again and can now feel lucky with all that i have in my life...unlike my ex who it seems isn't so fortunate these days.

Thankyou Ladies for taking the time to reply it means a lot x

OnlyTheDepthVaries Sat 11-Nov-17 20:38:55

Well done user. Look at the positives in your new life...and don’t let the bugger drag you down. You are strong!

BackInTheRoom Sun 12-Nov-17 20:45:54


Mine was a 'Runaway Husband', 'Sudden Ending' and the pain was unimaginable. It's made worse by a total lack of regard for me, no remorse, no communication, won't discuss the kids. It's damn hard but every day I get a little bit 'meh'. You just hit a bump in the road and I'm glad you're back on track 😊

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