Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Tonight is my first night as a lone parent.

(24 Posts)
Goingalonenow Thu 09-Nov-17 00:20:48

I've NC as I'm pretty embarrassed that it took me so long to leave.

Lots of EA and financial abuse. Gaslighting, coercion, the works.

I slowly made a plan and did a hell of a lot of overtime. Spoke to Women's Aid at the weekend because I'd found a local landlord last month and things fell into place. He's sort of an old family friend and had a property that fit. So this morning me and DD (22 months) moved in. We've gone from a 4 bed house to a 1 bed flat, I'm sleeping on the sofa.

It's bloody hard. He isn't willing to discuss divorce, contact or maintenance. She went to bed crying for Daddy. I'm still up.

I've had to put a pin in my job - I can still walk there from here and I'm doing some hours but not as many. Trying to sort out benefits and so scared about affording to feed and clothe her. But still.

At least we're out. At least he's gone. It's his house but if I can get divorce sorted we should be ok. Had to leave so many things there.

Someone please, please tell me I can do this. DD is breaking my heart asking for him and I feel like I'm failing her.

RoderickRules Thu 09-Nov-17 00:26:18

I remember my first night.
I was so scared!

Fast forward eight years.
Got great children, great job, great home, great friends. I love my life!

It will be hard for the next little while. Then peace will drop in. Happiness. Joy.

Anything has got to be easier than going through all that abuse.
At least now you can start to recover.
That would never happen if you stayed.

flowers

123rd Thu 09-Nov-17 00:27:25

Well done to both of you. You deserve to be happy

ferando81 Thu 09-Nov-17 00:30:12

Stay strong

pog100 Thu 09-Nov-17 00:32:20

I am full of admiration for your courage, you should be really, really proud of yourself. It must feel really strange but you KNOW it's the right thing to do. Your child will adapt in no time. 22 months is too young to really have any problems with more seeing a father so often. I imagine the house is not 'his' but a marital asset and you will eventually get money from this, and indeed him. Use the full weight of regulations and the law to get what you deserve to bring up your child.
It will be good, you have already done so well. Don't whatever you do give into any demands from him. Separate yourself.
Have a hug, and sleep now. Bloody well done!

Chloecoconut Thu 09-Nov-17 00:35:38

You CAN do this. You know that this is the right thing to do. That’s always the first step. You’re not failing your daughter, you’re doing the best thing for her. When it gets tricky, always remember that. x

bluebell34567 Thu 09-Nov-17 00:35:52

still visit womens aid.
they will support you emotionally and in every way.

Snowy1234 Thu 09-Nov-17 00:45:54

Bet a bit of you is quietly relieved,scared but relieved hey you have a good friend there !

oldlaundbooth Thu 09-Nov-17 00:48:43

We're behind you Going. Support is here when you need it.

You've done the right thing, you can do it, you are strong and smart. Tomorrow is another day.

Try and get some sleep flowers

Goingalonenow Thu 09-Nov-17 00:56:35

It's so good to know that when I wake up I don't have to be scared that I've done something wrong, or upset him, or he's just in a bad mood and he'll take it out on me.

I'm just terrified. I think that's been my standard position for a while. Constant terror and it's hard to shake.

I don't know what I'm going to say to DD tomorrow when she asks for Daddy. Thankfully she was so tired today that she's sleeping well.

Whycouldnthebedecent Thu 09-Nov-17 01:02:57

Well done to you!!! Takes a lot of strength and courage. I can’t soeak from experience (yet) but everything I’ve read from people says it’ll get easier and I imagine it will once you start to see some financial help coming in to you to help with DD and also as you start to adjust to your new life without that fear that you’re sadly so used to.

I’m sure you did the right thing, and I’m sure it’ll be amazing to not have that fear in the morning (although there’ll inevitably be new things to consider as you adjust to your new freedom and situation).

I can’t help with what to say to DD I’m afraid, perhaps someone else can come along and advise what to tell her so as not to upset her but so that you’re not making any promises. I’m sorry but I don’t know what to say in this respect.

I think you’ve done something really brave, for both you and your little girl well done. I really do wish you both the absolute best xx

llangennith Thu 09-Nov-17 01:03:58

It takes quite a while to shake off the fear and anxiety but eventually you’ll find peace. If your DD asks for daddy just keep fobbing her off with “not today”. She’s too young to fully understand the concept of time so she’ll soon stop asking so long as her mummy is strong for her. I wish you so much good fortune for the future.

LondonLassInTheCountry Thu 09-Nov-17 01:09:27

Well done.

cakeflowersbrew

Bruceishavingfish Thu 09-Nov-17 06:08:30

I hope you are ok this morning.

I cant offer advice, but can offer a hand hold. I am a few steps behind you. Seperated but still living with EA stbxh. I need the house to sell to afford to move.

You have done the right thing. You are amazing.

MrsBertBibby Thu 09-Nov-17 07:32:00

You've done the very hardest bit! If you managed that, you can manage anything.

Can you see a solicitor? I appreciate money is tight.

Have you applied for child support yet?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 09-Nov-17 16:37:58

Well done OP.
Things will get easier as time goes on.
Make sure WA help with a local solicitor, you may be entitled to legal aid.
Also make sure get onto CSA and get your maintenance sorted out.
He won't discuss it so you are going to have to it via the proper channels.
You life will become so much better.
It really will.
Believe in yourself.
Know that you did the best thing for your DD and her future well being.
Keep strong and keep going!

Rollforneed Thu 09-Nov-17 16:57:44

I think you are very brave. You are a good example to your DD.

You will enjoy your newfound freedom once you get over the scariest part.

I hope something good comes your way!

pointythings Thu 09-Nov-17 18:49:28

Stay strong. In the end he will have to settle finances and deal with divorce. And then you will have some money to keep you going.

Your DD is little now, and crying for daddy, but if you had stayed, what would she have learned about how men treat women? You've saved her from a lifetime of her own abuse. flowers

Charley50 Thu 09-Nov-17 21:18:41

My mum left my abusive dad when I was around that age. I cried for him because I didn't know better. She went back and endured many more years of abuse that damaged her and us kids deeply.
She always told me that a big reason she went back was because of me crying for daddy. I've always resented that; as a baby I truly didn't know any better.
Good luck with your new life!

Oakleygirl Thu 09-Nov-17 22:22:25

Well done OP! I know how hard it is but it does take time to recover. I remember 8 years ago when I went through it, when I finally felt happy again one day I didn't even recognise the feeling! That day will come for you too, I promise! flowers

TheLegendOfBeans Thu 09-Nov-17 22:27:19

You’re scared and stressed and sad. DD will be all of those things too. All you can do is stand fast and just show her that you are in control, and it’s all going to be ok.

This is the beginning of the rest of your life, away from the upset and stress of living with a person with whom you just can’t love with.

Imbroglio Thu 09-Nov-17 22:33:35

Well done.

Greedynan Thu 09-Nov-17 22:44:14

Believe in yourself. You just did a really brave thing. You are teaching your dd so many important things by doing what you have done. And you are protecting her by protecting yourself from this abuse. You deserve peace and happiness. Xx

Imbroglio Fri 10-Nov-17 06:55:11

Hope you had a good night. How do you feel this morning?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now