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DP starting to stay over - how soon?(5 Posts)
DP and I intend to be together permanently. My DCs, who are aged 12 to 17, have known about him for 6 months and met him 3 months ago. They wanted to meet him, we had planned to wait a bit longer.
He sees them in passing a couple of times a week plus for an evening or afternoon about once a week. They like him and look forward to seeing him.
He stays over when all the DCs are at their dad's, which is a couple of times a week, and they know he does.
We're not planning on him moving in for another year to 18 months yet but we're talking about when he might start to stay over occasionally. We don't want to rush things and he's quite reticent, doesn't want to spoil how good things are.
I'm guessing we will know when the time is naturally right but I am wondering how others handled it especially with teenagers.
He doesn't have any children of his own (and we won't be having any together in case that's relevant ).
I don't know. I'd imagine that if they children know and are happy with him you could try it once and see how it goes.
Mine are 18 and 11. I never have the house to myself (children don't go to their dads overnight) and i wouldn't have anyone stop over night with them in the house.
So i just don't know. (Unhelpful!)
My two DC met now DH after about 6 months and he started staying over when they were here probably about 14 months after we started seeing each other (we all went away after about 16 months and so as we'd all be together then we wanted to try it first). They were 7 and 8 when they first met him.
We moved in together when they were 9 and 11 when we'd been together nearly 3 years and got married a year later. Now the DC are 14 and 12 and things still going along all right . We've all just got in with things at every stage with no particular problems
If the children are at their dads a couple of days a week, and then he is already at yours when they are there a couple of days a week (but not staying over), it sounds like he is already around quite a bit. Personally, I would want to keep that time for myself and my dcs when they are home. But why don't you ask them? I think the staying over bit is less of an issue than the amount of one-on-one quality time you have with them. It doesn't seem to matter too much if he is sleeping in the next room, but what are you doing in the evening? Are you with him or are you with your kids? I think that matters more really. But I would just ask them. My mum had a partner when I was around that age and personally I wouldn't have been comfortable with him staying over (she went to his or they went away together for the weekend instead), but it's definitely something I could have talked with her about if she'd asked.
Your dcs are the same age as mine. I think it very much depends on the children. Their personality and resilience, how emotionally mature and emotionally centred they are. Their relationship with you, with each other and of course their relationship with their own father, family and their understanding of why you are not with their father. An acceptance of the explanation for this will play a huge part in how they cope with you having a relationship with a new man.
Mine met DP two weeks in. They were just leaving to go to GPS house when he knocked on the door. Eldest let him in and spoke to him. When I ran down to the hall the eldest said "well, we've met now, I may as well stay here and go back to my film" they went to gps. The next day both boys said they were happy if I was happy, but would be unhappy if they felt pushed aside, left out or if I didn't spend time with them. In short they'd prefer transparency and honesty, prefer to have me at home even if that meant sharing a pizza and a film with him too, and that if I felt he was going to be around for good, that was better than feeling I was shipping them off so I could date.
Two years later we are all happy. DP loves the boys and treats them well. His son loves coming here, and my boys like spending time with him. We live together. I never doubted it would work. Plus my children are very grounded and mature, and we are very close and I'm very honest with them. It's also probably relevant that they have a very distant relationship with their father.
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