Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Thinking of leaving

(45 Posts)
Whycouldnthebedecent Wed 08-Nov-17 21:43:22

DP and I have been together for 2 years and have a DS together.

We have always had a lovely relationship, engaged to be married and he’s honestly a wonderful dad to our little boy.

Problem is, he lost his shit during an argument last week and there was a small episode of DV. Just one hit. He was immediately sorry and remorseful, takes full responsibility for his actions (although in the same breath tells me all these things I need to change about my attitude and way of thinking and approach to problems).

A week on, and I’m still struggling to know what to do in terms of where does this relationship go from here and wondering if it can be salvaged.
I told him today that I really don’t feel like we can get married and I want to cancel the wedding (to happen in 6 months) and he said we should put it back. I said I don’t want a ‘deadline’ of when this relationship should be back ‘on track’ by and at the moment this relationship goes on my terms and at my pace. He said this shows that I’m not really trying and that it’s obvious I don’t see this relationship going anywhere. I am, however, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, cooking and eating meals together, talking like normal with each other. So surely he must see that I am actually trying?

Sadly, I haven’t slept when he’s been here (he works shifts and slept okay when he’s been away) as I don’t feel comfortable really.

Do you reckon I’ve called it a day on the relationship but struggling to admit it to myself? Or am I genuinely okay to cancel the wedding and be entitled to some time to figure out if this relationship is going to work? Or AIBU I’m wanting to cancel the wedding and is he right that I’m not really trying?

Never saw any of this coming and I feel so let down and disappointed in him. He doesn’t think that one mistake is worth throwing or relationship away over as it was one time and it isn’t who he is a person, but I don’t know what to believe or do.

Any help or words of wisdom Will be greatly appreciated x

gamerchick Wed 08-Nov-17 21:51:58

It’s never just one time though. He’s not remorseful at all. He’s pushed the boundary and expects you to accept this new line without complaint.

The next time he’ll find it easier to hit you and easier after that.

You’re doing the right thing, don’t marry him and work on untangling yourself from him completely.

I would stop sharing a bed though. It’ll be too easy to let it go and go back to normal.

TwitterQueen1 Wed 08-Nov-17 21:52:10

I'm tired and in a bad mood tonight so I'll make this brief.

Are you really so fucking stupid? One 'small' episode of DV... really. How do you measure 'small', 'medium' and 'large'. Would medium be a couple of hits? just a bit of blood and few bruises? Would 'large' be broken bones? a hospital visit maybe?

You don't have a 'lovely' relationship and he's not 'wonderful'.

You don't need to change your attitude or your way of thinking or anything else. He is a violent bully. Leave him.

Whycouldnthebedecent Wed 08-Nov-17 21:58:13

There’s nowhere else for me to sleep though sad we live in a 2 up 2 down and the other room is where DS is. I’m stubborn and don’t feel I should sleep on the sofa when I have done FA wrong.

I do really worry that it won’t be one time, but he plays to my weaknesses and lays a guilt trip about how he doesn’t want to be a part time Dad and how his shifts will mean that he doesn’t see DS regularly (e.g on weekends or set days). I don’t want DS to not have his dad, but surely he should’ve thought about shit like this before he laid his hands on me?

I really feel like all my trust and respect has gone.

How do I know if he is really sorry and wants to be sure it doesn’t happen again or if he’s just bullshitting me?

There’s been no other form of abuse before this, and certainly nothing regular. He’s been supportive, he’s been encouraging, he’s been my best friend.

Is there any chance in hell this could be a one off or am I just wishing for something that rarely exists?

I’m naturally scared of starting afresh with DS on my own and also don’t want to hurt DP by breaking up the family. Although is it really me that’s going to be breaking up the family? Surely it’s his actions that breaks uk the family rather than my decision to leave?

Whycouldnthebedecent Wed 08-Nov-17 21:59:22

I suppose you’ve got a point Twitterqueen. Maybe I am being stupid!!!

TwitterQueen1 Wed 08-Nov-17 22:01:50

Your trust and respect have gone for good reason. He hit you. This is not your fault.

No chance at all that this is a one off. He's done it once. He will do it again and again and again and again and again and again...

You are not breaking up the family. He is doing that through DV.

Whycouldnthebedecent Wed 08-Nov-17 22:05:08

I do worry that my staying with him will make out to him (even if subconsciously) that he’s forgiven and maybe I’m a pushover and give him the green light to do it again.

He’s been such a bloody idiot! I know what I need to do and should do. But not sure why I can’t just pack up and fuck off!

Shoxfordian Wed 08-Nov-17 22:05:59

He will carry on hitting you if you stay and its a really bad environment to bring your child up in

Don't marry him, move out and leave him

It may help to call Women's Aid

MikeUniformMike Wed 08-Nov-17 22:06:16

Kick him out.

BorisTrumpsHair Wed 08-Nov-17 22:09:16

(*although in the same breath tells me all these things I need to change about my attitude and way of thinking and approach to problems).*

To me this shows he feels justified in his actions. He's blaming you.

Sorry OP.

Whataboutmeee Wed 08-Nov-17 22:10:42

What did he actually do op?

Whycouldnthebedecent Wed 08-Nov-17 22:10:57

I certainly don’t want my child to be brought up in that kind of environment, and I certainly don’t want my child to ever be hurt 😔

I have to move out as it’s his house, his mortgage. I think it would have been a much easier decision to make if I could kick him out rather than leave with child in tow!

Thanks for being straight down the line ladies. I think I’m RL people are worried to say what you should do either way x

C0untDucku1a Wed 08-Nov-17 22:13:13

Cancel the wedding. Leave him. He can deal with his boss and sort out regular shifts for being a parent.

TwitterQueen1 Wed 08-Nov-17 22:20:53

Sorry for calling you stupid OP. That was unfair and unkind of me. But seriously, you know all of us posters here are right. You do need to leave.

Whycouldnthebedecent Wed 08-Nov-17 22:25:02

It’s okay twitterqueen, Don’t worry about it!

I think I’ve just been wanting to believe it’s something that it isn’t anymore and that it probably isnt going to ever be again.

I love him and he’s the father of my child and we did have a lovely relationship before this but I really don’t think we can carry on. Such a shame that one stupid action can cost us both so much. Xx

Annelind Wed 08-Nov-17 22:37:03

It wasn't "one stupid action"- it was him showing you who he really is. A controlling bully. He hits you, but YOU have to change? Really? confused

Whycouldnthebedecent Wed 08-Nov-17 23:01:45

I know, I guess I’ve been a fool really haven’t I? I know what I need to do.
It’s just proper shit!!!! sad xx

gamerchick Wed 08-Nov-17 23:22:43

but surely he should’ve thought about shit like this before he laid his hands on me?

Well quite! This isn’t your problem to solve. He doesn’t get you to bend because life will be tough for him. Consequences!!

Look hunker down for now. Cancel the wedding and sort your step by steps quietly. You do need to move to another room to sleep though if he won’t (and him not doing that says everything you need to know about his remorse). You’re in real danger to minimise and forgive because it’s ‘easier’

It won’t be in the long run.

SandyY2K Wed 08-Nov-17 23:41:19

It's the other comments he's making that worry me actually. He's not entirely sounding remorseful by talking about your attitude.

His actions have caused mistrust and trust is the foundation of a relationship like this.

He's minimising and almost trying to share the blame with you. That's not on.

He's blown it. If he doesnt see DS much... he only has himself to blame.

He can explain to all his friends and family why the wedding is off.

Whycouldnthebedecent Thu 09-Nov-17 00:06:41

Gamerchick I’ve spent the evening sorting out my papers and looking at what finances I’ve got (I’ve got a very supportive family who will either take me and DS in and/or help financially when needed so I know how lucky I am in that respect). I’m going to use some time to get my ducks in a row and get some finances sorted - not that I have many and the wedding cancellation will take most of that!
But yes I’ve found a little terraced house that I think would be lovely for DS and I so I’ll make an appointment tomorrow to view that. I’m seeing my family on Saturday (told DP he’s not welcome and he understands) so I will discuss my next moves with them.

If I take my parents up on an offer to temporarily move in with them with DS then does anybody know if I’m likely to entitled to any working tax credits/child tax credits or childcare help? I’ve been looking at what help I can get as a single mum with DS (seems quite generous and not as scary now I’ve looked into it!) but if I live with parents will everything be means tested on their income or mine? If it’s temporary.

Never claimed anything in my life so no idea where to start.

Thank you again to all of you for all your help/brutal honesty. It’s really what I needed to hear. Definitely need to start afresh with DS so thank you xx

pog100 Thu 09-Nov-17 00:52:43

Just wanted to say well done. Clearly the right thing to do. I would ask your questions about tax credits again tomorrow, you will get more answers then. Please stick by your decision and let your supportive family help you. Good luck

Whycouldnthebedecent Thu 09-Nov-17 01:06:33

Thank you Pog. Absolutely dreading telling him because I’ll get the guilt trip but I’m going to stand my ground and do what needs doing.

I messaged my parents earlier (they’re night owls) and said we can discuss in more detail Saturday (as per my suggestion) but they’ll have DS and I anytime. I still have a key to their house and they said any time day or night I can turn up and they’ll sort us out no issue. Cried with relief!

I need to get my shit together ASAP, or at least understand what helo I can get and how I go about it all but I suppose the main thing is there’s a place of safety for us both and finances etc can all be sorted afterwards xx

IloveJudgeJudy Thu 09-Nov-17 01:54:53

I’m so sorry to hear this, but well done for doing what you’re doing and not listening to his excuses. It will get worse if you stay; you can tell that by his blaming you and saying about your in his eyes part/responsibility in any dispute.

Whycouldnthebedecent Thu 09-Nov-17 02:01:22

Don’t get me wrong, in an argument almost everyone ends up being short/raising their voice/even chucks in the odd ‘stop being a knob’ comment, so in that respect I’m no angel (as in I wasn’t just silently washing up and then he came over and clouted me) but to be violent towards someone just because you don’t like what they say/how they say it is just unjustifiable. No matter how much someone ‘pushes your buttons’, you don’t become violent with them. Especially not when you’re supposed to love them. And this is the internal argument I’ve been having with myself.

Enough is enough really now. Me and my DS are all I need to focus on xxx

Whycouldnthebedecent Thu 09-Nov-17 02:02:19

Ps will I ever manage to sleep again??? 8 nights I’ve been awake at this time 😩

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: