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Not coping with ex husbands new relationship

(5 Posts)
Lilliannagrimshore Wed 08-Nov-17 18:01:23

Please help!

I was married to my ex for 30 years - I have 3, now grown children but spent a lot of time on my own due to my ex being a workaholic.
When he was at home he was emotionally absent and work was always his prioity - 18 months before I left we were having no sexual relations and I would go to bed on my own whilst he watched tv till 3 in the morning.
That was 4 years ago and since then I have met a lovely man who treats me as his queen, I am his first priority and he makes me feel very special.
About a month ago I found out my ex is seeing someone else and I have been overwhelmed with depression and feelings of sadness and resentment towards this new relationship, these feelings have come from nowhere and have really knocked me off balance.
I can't seem to get past these feelings, I even thought I may still be in love with my ex and that I have made a huge mistake. Anyone else had a similar situation and how can I shake off these feelings.

2014newme Wed 08-Nov-17 18:02:15

Counselling may help

ClaudiaFringe Wed 08-Nov-17 21:23:21

Hi there. I can relate to this as I am going through the same thing.
In my case, I feel that my DH let me down in lots of ways during our marriage (and hence the split), and somehow the thought that he can make another relationship work creates feelings of resentment and anger almost (as in 'why the hell is he able to meet her needs when he was so terrible at meeting mine?').
The thing that I've realised is that I have to let the past go. Ultimately I never wanted my marriage to fail but the way he behaved and our subsequent unsuccessful efforts to fix it resulted in me having to walk away from it.
I think this is a normal reaction. You are probably still grieving the end of a long marriage, and also probably harbouring resentments over his behaviour during it. You need to accept it's in the past now and it's time to draw a line under it. Easier said than done though I know. I agree that counselling could help work through these feelings.

ClaudiaFringe Wed 08-Nov-17 21:54:39

P.S I've found it helps to try to remember what it was really like during the marriage - try to remember specific occasions that he wasn't there for you, etc, and how you felt. Also, remember what you did to help save the marriage and why it didn't work. You made the decision to leave for good reason - no doubt because you were very unhappy.

Also, take consolation from the fact that there is no way of knowing if he'll make his new relationship work. It's easy to make a success of it in the short-term... pulling it off over many years is the real test.

Hedgehoghogger Wed 08-Nov-17 21:59:59

Remembering back really helps. It's highly unlikely he's actually really changed. He's the same old person. And you know you don't want that old person. I think sometimes when we have a new great partner we realise relationships can be great and somehow mix up this happiness and think you'd have it with him. Unlikely. He'd still be doing x , y , z and driving you mad.

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