Is 'nice' enough?(29 Posts)
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Ive been with my partner 2 years - hes lovely, looks after me and feels like "home". Really loves me.
We split up briefly (my doing) a few months ago but stayed in touch and are now back on.
Since then I feel like I've lost the spark we had, I still adore him and he's my best friend but I don't really fancy him like I used to, I don't crave him sexually like I used to either
My mum and friends say I'm mad to pass up such a genuine lovely guy - they say things are never perfect.
I'm coming up to 30 and feel like maybe this is it, I should be settling down and should be happy... what if the next guy I meet treats me awfully
I really am at a loss as to whether to stay or go, am I just being picky?
Why did you split up and what’s changed for you to get back together? You don’t gave to tell us but it might be the reason things aren’t quite right this time round.
No. Don’t settle. It’s not fair on him either!
There’s no law saying you have to get married.
Being "nice" is not enough, in itself. But being your best friend and someone you are completely comfortable with, can communicate well with and who "gets" you is a pretty good basis for a relationship. And definitely more important than basic sexual attraction in my experience. (Been married 23 years to someone who started off as very much just a friend - the attraction came later!)
He has children and the situation changed, I wasn't sure I could deal with it but it's all settled down now.
I missed him, he missed me so we started seeing each other again
AChicken - I'm more comfortable with him than anyone else I know. This is what makes it so hard but I'm at a loss as to whether this is enough to stay
What if the situation with his dc changed again?
What you have with him doesn't seem enough to me. You're only 30.
Did you miss him or just miss being with somebody?
That's normal-is this the longest relationship you've been in? The whole 'spark' nonsense is just nonsense. Sexual attraction fades and strengthens according to things like novelty (the fading you've experienced, your own libido changing, changes in no sexual feelings etc). Sexual attraction is not a long term thing. It changes and eventually it will go (for everyone, everyone stops being interested in sex if they get old enough). Allowing something like that to influence your choice in a partner is about as stupid as basing your choice on looks (we all get old and ugly in the end). Either you are very stupid (unlikely) or you are using this as an excuse to leave him for no reason (by which I mean for reasons that have everything to do with you and not with him). Why don't you want to be with him? Do you feel like you don't want to take your relationship to the next logical level? Are you afraid of more commitment? Do you feel like you haven't had enough romantic adventures and don't want to settle down just yet? Do you maybe just prefer being alone?
I had a 4 year relationship before this guy.
Is it normal after only two years?
I think I am scared of commitment a little but definitely do not prefer being on my own.
As for wanting more romantic adventures - yes, I think you may be right there too. It sounds horrible but I do sometimes wonder if I'm missing out on more....
If you feel like this after 2 years imagine how you would feel after 20 years. Nice is not enough I'm afraid. I totally disagree with what ttbb says. You are still so young, please don't settle.
I think you are allowing some real doubts to be overridden because of family.
They won't have to live with 30 years.
I think the concern over being a step parent is rely valid, if you then add in lack of spark you have potential for unhappiness.
It feels as if you are settling and I think everyone always regrets settling.
You’d be settling. End it for both of your sakes.
You’d not be doing either of you any favours if you settle for marrying him just because he’s “nice” and you feel the clock ticking.
You’ll muddle through for a bit, possibly have the kids you want and then you’re eventually going to get itchy feet and break the marriage up. You’ll then have screwed him and those kids you’ll have had over.
Thank you so much for opinions
Mike - he's a good looking guy but I'm not sexually drawn to him like I used to be. Haven't had sex for a while and when we do I feel like I'm just going through the motions now
At 30 I would say it's not enough.
At 50 plus it might be.
Thanks for replying. He's Friend Right not Mr Right.
everyone stops being interested in sex if they get old enough
Lol! Autumn I did pull that face at that comment to
End it now. Or you will end up falling for someone else that you do fancy. Not fair on him. The rest of your life is a very very long time
Oh for goodness sake don't stay with him. You're "going through the motions". Nope. That won't get better. Sex is important. Nice isn't enough.
I was engaged to a guy like this. I'd had four sexually abusive partners in a row and ended up with this guy who was genuinely lovely to me. We were definitely best friends but took me a couple of years to realise that's all we were. I ended it because it was the right thing to do. Fortunately I'm now happily married to someone I have great chemistry with, been married 7 years and it's not going anywhere either. You both deserve more.
The thing is he can still be your friend. If you stay with him but don't want to have sex and have nothing except for a friend feeling you'll end up resenting him and losing him as a friend too. You're probably be more susceptible to finding other men attractive.
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