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Filmed without my knowledge by DH

(192 Posts)
SoEmbarrassing Wed 08-Nov-17 16:05:06

Ugh, this is really difficult. Have NC obviously.

I have a great marriage, been with my DH a long time. 2 young kids, bought a house recently, we get on brilliantly and have a great sex life now. However, there have been times where we haven't had sex at all for a while - I have an illness that causes a lot of bleeding and pelvic pain, and a few times while I've been waiting for surgery and in constant pain we haven't had any physical relationship at all for months at a time. We love each other very much so this has been difficult but separating has never been a consideration.

I know he uses porn a lot when we are not having sex regularly. TBH I'm not overjoyed about that but it is what it is - I wish he could get by without it but have never criticised or asked him not to, since I knew he needed to take care of things at times when I couldn't, so we just didn't talk about it. I do know from the comments he's made that he's into voyeuristic stuff.

Last year after my pregnancy we weren't having sex for a while (exhaustion, pumping plus feeling generally gross and hormones all over the place).i was feeling massively insecure about my body and this was made worse knowing he was looking at unrealistically attractive women having sex all the time. I did get upset about it but didn't raise it for a while, until it all came out that I felt massively inadequate and didn't feel I could compete with those women with my gross post-baby body. He tried to reassure me that it wasn't like that, his porn use was purely functional and habit, and he would much rather be having sex with me, or watching videos of me (we made one once, but he deleted it pretty quickly as was really paranoid about it being seen by someone else or getting out somehow which I massively appreciate).

Anyway, during this discussion in an attempt to underline his point, he told me something that I'm really struggling to get past. He told me that, when we went on holiday the previous year (I was about 16 weeks pregnant at the time), he had filmed me without my knowledge when I got out of the shower. There was nothing sexual, just me walking around, probably naked for part of it, getting ready, and he had used that instead of porn until he decided to delete it shortly afterwards. He said he's never done anything like that before or since (in fairness at the time I hadn't been naked in front of him for a good while so he wouldn't have had the chance), and swears it was quickly deleted (I believe this based on how paranoid he has been about other people seeing photos / video taken consensually and therefore how quickly he's deleted them - and often told me later how he's regretted getting rid of them). He said he now feels really awful about it as he knows it was really out of line, but he thought if I knew that then I would understand that I'm not competing with anyone else. I mean, it wasn't even sexual, but clearly it was to him.

We are now back to having an excellent sex life, very frequently other than during my periods which are very painful and heavy and therefore a no go area.

I'm just still concerned that he did it, and while I appreciate him telling me about it I am a bit stunned that he thought this would make me feel better. Since then I've noticed he's been very careful not to have his phone in his hand while I've been getting changed etc, I guess to make it clear he's not doing it again. It does seem like this was a one off mistake which he regrets and wouldn't repeat but I'm worried this is just really naive!

Can this really be a one off borne from desperation? Is it really just a fuck up? Should I be concerned about it or let it go? It's mainly the lack of consent that's bothering me (he has never ever ignored my consent before or since, in any way), along with the mild horror of not ever knowing what was on that video, what I must have looked like etc. I know he would never physically violate my consent during sex - if he wanted to do that he's had plenty of opportunity during times I've been unable which is why I find this so confusing.

He genuinely is a brilliant husband and father and I definitely wouldn't leave him over this, i truly believe he hasn't done it again or before that and that the video is gone. I just can't shake the discomfort at it happening in the first place.

I suspect others opinions will be varied but could never ask any RL friends so here we are. If you had a great marriage and this happened, would you just write it off as a mistake, or something more?

SoEmbarrassing Wed 08-Nov-17 17:44:25

Does anyone have an opinion? It's really on my mind today - I'm flitting between being really angry about it and thinking I'm being way over the top. I'm not sure what to think. If he's filmed me having sex without my knowledge I'd completely lose my mind, but is it really that different?

badabing36 Wed 08-Nov-17 17:53:13

Hmmm tough one. I would be very angry too. Without knowing you husband it would be difficult to say whether it's a one off or not. All the threads about abusive men start with 'but he's an amazing guy and a great dad' so people get a bit jaded and always advise you to ltb.

You know him and what he did op. Do you trust him?

tccat Wed 08-Nov-17 17:55:16

You'll probably get lots of hysterical responses saying leave him, if you genuinely feel this was a one off and he's otherwise a good guy then I'd let it go, but not before reading him the riot act over it and feeling reassured it would not happen again,

ultrareal Wed 08-Nov-17 18:06:15

Honestly, I don't think I wound mind this at all. If you trust him and it was genuinely for personal use, I actually think if my OH did this is think it was quite a nice compliment. Maybe I'm a weirdo though!

skustew Wed 08-Nov-17 18:09:53

Id take it as a complement and a huge body image boost.he did tell you in the end so not like a huge secret and it's not like he was showing mates in the pub

Itsthattimeagain Wed 08-Nov-17 18:10:32

I agree with ultra , I'd much prefer him using that than porn too.

Shoxfordian Wed 08-Nov-17 18:11:28

Brilliant husbands don't act in such a creepy way

nightshade Wed 08-Nov-17 18:12:55

I'd also take it as a compliment....that he actually fancies u enough to want to fantasise about u..

He came clean and is trying to show that he isn't gonna do it again...let it go before u ruin a great relationship...

Uptheduffy Wed 08-Nov-17 18:14:48

I would feel violated. He did not have your consent, and he then wanked over images obtained without your consent. I’m not seeing the compliment there!
You trust him not to release or share such images - but then presumably you trusted him not to video you in the first place.
If you are genuinely completely happy otherwise I might not leave him but I would draw a line in the sand and make it clear than any repeat would be a deal breaker.
But then I’d struggle enough with a man who needed porn to get him through my periods!

mintich Wed 08-Nov-17 18:15:38

I can understand why he did it. The fact that he has told means it was playing on his mind also so probably feels embarrassed he did it. If it was me is forget about it

oldlaundbooth Wed 08-Nov-17 18:16:27

Ugh, wouldn't like that at all.

y0ungMum Wed 08-Nov-17 18:17:43

I really understand why he did it, although he should have definitely asked if it was okay and you two seen to have a healthy trusting relationship. If my OH did this I would take it as a massive compliment and at least he wasn't using porn. I would say try to let it go and it's lovely of him that he's making an conscious effort not to be on his phone when you're changing so you know he isn't doing it again xxx

AnyFucker Wed 08-Nov-17 18:19:14

When you say he's into "voyeuristic" porn does he use sites that include uploaded footage of unsuspecting wives and girlfriends ?

Think about it

RatRolyPoly Wed 08-Nov-17 18:19:20

I'll be completely honest with you, that wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I wouldn't have given it even a second thought she certainly it wouldn't cross my mind to dwell on it further. But of course we're all different, and I'm just illustrating that it's perfectly okay for a strong, feminist "take no shit" sort of woman to be alright with that if she wants to be. And of course not if she's not.

It might be worth identifying what it is about it that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Lambside Wed 08-Nov-17 18:25:50

I don't think I'd mind the filming itself but the subsequent keeping it from you that he'd done that and the wanking over it in secret I'd not be comfortable with.
I think that if he can now realise how you feel and why that shouldn't have happened and will never happen again then you can let it go.
For me the fact that you opened up and told him how his porn use makes you feel and he'd continue watching and wanking knowing that says a lot about how much he respects you and women generally.

Nainer123 Wed 08-Nov-17 18:27:15

I wouldn't be flattered about it and wouldn't take it as a compliment. I'd be livid. Maybe that's more how I feel about myself, I've just had a baby not too long ago and body confidence isn't great, so id hate the thought of him havig a video of me (even if he deleted it) I wouldn't leave him or anything. Yes it was shitty and maybe you feel a bit violated ECT but good points are he used it for himself and didn't share with anyone ECT then deleted it.

Totally depends on you if you explained why you were upset anf he promised not to do it again can you trust that 100% if yes then be pisses of but don't let it come between you and move on.
If not then you need to reevaluate your relationship.

If it were my dp I'd be really pissed off let him know all about it id forgive him as I trust him not do to it without me knowing now he knows how upset it makes me. Like I say if i had more confidence in how I look id probably have a different opinion on it.

SoEmbarrassing Wed 08-Nov-17 18:29:05

AnyFucker - no, I know he would never do that. We've discussed that anyway - I've let the porn stuff go, but I have discussed with him whether any of the stuff he watches is non-consensual or themed that way since that would be a real issue for me. There's also stuff in his family history that tells me he wouldn't be comfortable with that either, so I'm about as sure as I can be that he's not doing that. Did I think he would do this? Can't say I ever really considered it as a possibility to be honest.

From the discussions we have had over our very long relationship , which in fairness haven't been too in depth (!), I don't think he particularly watches "voyeurism fetish porn", but rather it's the voyeurism of regular porn that he enjoys. Again, I'm not psychic so I can only go on what he tells me, and aside from this one incident in over a decade together, I've never known him to be deceitful or do anything like this before or since.

I knew I'd get a range of responses but I'm quite surprised that so many people would see it as flattering tbh. And he genuinely is a wonderful husband - he has stuck by me through very difficult things and vice versa, he treats me incredibly well, we generally communicate brilliantly, there is nothing about our relationship that I would change.

Why does it bother me? It feels intrusive, exploitative, sneaky, deceitful, and I have body confidence issues that make me cringe just thinking about it, but I do mainly find it a little creepy and a big invasion.

Guardsman18 Wed 08-Nov-17 18:33:09

I wouldn't like the porn stuff, but would be very flattered if my DH filmed me!

I think you've got your head around 'the stuff he's into' - be flattered that he wanted to film you x

SoEmbarrassing Wed 08-Nov-17 18:33:59

I know he won't do it again. He felt shit about it afterwards and from my reaction and his reaction to that, he knows that I would not be forgiving if he did it again. Filming someone naked without their knowledge is completely against my principles, he's aware of that now. As I say, he's been careful to ensure I can't even think he might be doing it since he told me (or rather he was being quite obviously careful immediately afterwards, and I haveny seen him using his phone while I'm getting dressed since then).

He knows I don't like porn, and as he's gotten older he doesn't particularly like it either, but it is somewhere between a habit and an addiction tbh. Fortunately it's not an issue most of the time now. And in fairness those "periods" were often weeks long and involved no intimacy at all as I was so unwell, sometimes for months if I was waiting for surgery and was dealing with a lot of scar tissue pain.

mopdoop Wed 08-Nov-17 18:43:50

Hiya! I have been looking at this for a hour or more, there was a glotch and i could not reply. First of all, hats off to you for being so honest about all this..
I really needed to reply. I'm horrified at the responses.
I honestly find this horrendous!!
It is not principles it is basic respect..very very base line.
No wonder you feel confused, between trying to make it "ok" and flattering and then being furious! because it's abuse. plain and simple.
You SHOULD be furious. you should be horrifed-that you don't trust your reaction, despite admitting you check where his phone is on him at certain times and this furthermore shows you it was abuse. I mean, thats horrific, and basic trust..
Iam uninterested in his all-consuming sex-drive you somehow feel responsible for during times when youare unwell with illness. in fact , the fact you are saying he has a porn habit-then put it down to you being ill..its a habit..its not that bad, its regular, you tell him no non consentual porn, (why did you feel the need to tell him the rules?did you not trust it would be consentual?)then you say he is not that into it anymore..please please listen to yourself attempting to justify this act.

mopdoop Wed 08-Nov-17 18:49:18

ok sorry that came out in a torrent. a good father, a great communicater, a great husband, ..just the small fact of non-consentual filming that he only told you about for certain reasons. There, that's off his chest now.
oh good. and onto your trust. so he just threw "this one time" at you and you believe it? sorry but the whole picture looks different.
you answered yourself here@
It's really on my mind today - I'm flitting between being really angry about it and thinking I'm being way over the top. I'm not sure what to think. If he's filmed me having sex without my knowledge I'd completely lose my mind, but is it really that different?
no.. no it is not. you have never known him to be deceitful..yet here it is, deceitfulness lies/cover ups/sneaky filming wtf??maybe you just havnt caught anything before

mopdoop Wed 08-Nov-17 18:52:44

how on earth can you have a wonderful relationship when youre not even 100% sure he isnt doing something behind your back that involves you, your privacy and your feelings? how is that a great relationship. i love my husband, unless i see a phone in his hand, then im suspicious.
the sexua/intimate nature of the content tells you how terribly against your trust this is. I would truly question how deep your relationship is and how much you actually know his inner thoughts. the glimspe is not inviting. ive got this really dull sick feeling in my stomach when i read this. and honestly id be gone, or he would. immediatly. no one should have to live with someone who violates them out of sexual need. and yes this counts.

maisyanddaisy Wed 08-Nov-17 18:56:59

The thing he found wank-worthy was that you didn't know he'd filmed you. Yuck. I'd find that very hard to forgive.

JigglyTuff Wed 08-Nov-17 18:58:49

You know, in the days before porn, men managed to go without sex without it. Some men still do. No one needs porn - they choose to use it.

I'm with mopdoop - I wouldn't find this flattering at all. It's a violation. He lied and secretly filmed you - objectifying his wife, the mother of his children.

It's still voyeurism, even though he's married to you. I think it's hugely creepy and would find it really difficult to get over.

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