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18 months after DH affair

(351 Posts)
User0811 Wed 08-Nov-17 12:48:38

Depressingly... another affair story... so many of them on here I'm losing faith in marriage...

Discovered DH's emotional and physical affair 18 months ago. True to script... OW was 19 years younger and he says he was having a mid-life crisis and feeling unloved at home.. even though he seemed pretty happy with me and DDs.

It had been going on for 6mo but they were 'in love'... DH begged for forgiveness and I didn't chuck him out... despite wanting to but we have 9yo and 7yo DDs. My parents divorced when I was 10 and the long-term affect it had on me meant I couldn't do it to them... plus I still loved him... and he is an amazing dad.

But the last 18 months we have fought like crazy, I haven't trusted him one bit and I'm always so mad at him... I'm only so mad because I can't believe he could do this to me... we were in a happy marriage and we loved each other. we've tried therapy but it brings everything to the surface and made me feel worse... so stopped seeing therapist a few months ago.

I've tried to deal with the anger (at him) and jealousy (OW is young and attractive... everything i'm not) I feel and in between the fighting we do have some OK moments... some happy ones to.

But each time we have a bad spell he has gone back to OW... always initiated by him. DH texting her first or searching her out, being where she is etc.

This has happened 6 times and I've found out or he has confessed and every time I've forgiven him because he has shown so much regret... crying and begging for me. Even though since discovery they've kissed and exchanged sexual texts... some really repulsive ones that I can't think about without feeling physically sick. He has assured me they haven't had sex again and I believe him because I've seen the messages... wish I hadn't. He has told her he loves her repeatedly though.... quite recently to. he says he's only gone back to her because we fight so much and because I've been so horrible to him.

He has promised.. again... that this is it now and he is committed to me and our DDs. I'm not as angry now but just feel depressed. We have started having sex again because I feel I should... because I want to even though I don't really know why I want to... and because if we don't he'll keep going back to OW and I do still love him... I want us to be OK again.

My questions and please help because I'm so depressed and fed up of feeling angry and jealous...

how long did it take you to get over DHs affair?

how long before you stopped being so angry?

If your over it... not sure if that's even possible... do you trust DH?

Can you have a marriage without trust?

Feeling very depressed I'll never get over it and if I don't go back to being happy or ever get mad at him he'll go back to OW again... even though he reassures me it's totally over this time. I don't want to lose him.

magoria Wed 08-Nov-17 12:58:59

It sounds like shit.

How can you ever trust someone where as soon as something goes wrong they go crawling back to where they caused the damage.

6 times in 18 months is every 3 months. He hasn't even given you a chance to heal or get over your anger and he hasn't given her up.

This must be causing so much more damage to your DC than a clean break would do.

If you are forcing yourseld to have sex and he is running back or OW I think your marriage is dead and you would be better ending things.

Worriedrose Wed 08-Nov-17 12:59:51

Well if he's going back to the ow everytime you argue then tge affair has simply not ended. Maybe he's treating you so badly so that you will end it and then he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions, which sadly is pretty standard behaviour.

It's up to you to decide if you can handle this level of disrespect. Lots of people do.

Maybe you need to really look at why you are staying with him? Is it because you don't want him to be with her?

He's treating you utterly appallingly, maybe you can't see that. But he is. If he really regretted it and wanted things to work he would never go back to her.
I'm sorry that's probably a tough thing to hear, but I know you say you were severely affected by your parents divorce, but not all divorces have to be horrendous. And currently your children are living in a toxic situation.
You are worth more than this

Worriedrose Wed 08-Nov-17 13:01:44

And forcing yourself to have sex with him makes me feel so sad for you. flowers

Justbookedasummmerholiday Wed 08-Nov-17 13:03:35

How can you get over a still continuing affair?

Worriedrose Wed 08-Nov-17 13:05:20

Also he is manipulating you both. I'm sure she wouldn't take him back each time unless he has told her something very different from what he is telling you

revengeongc Wed 08-Nov-17 13:06:19

This is death by a thousand cuts. How could he be so cruel and disrespectful to you. You are definitely worth more.

You're doing the 'Pick Me' dance. Please don't. He's not worth it.

And if he's a fantastic dad (he's not, actually, fantastic dads don't risk their children's security and intact family for a shag and an ego-boost), then he'll be a good dad while you co-parent and YOU will be happy knowing he can't keep hurting you.

revengeongc Wed 08-Nov-17 13:06:55

Sorry, my post is blunt but I'm really angry for you.

Where's your anger? He's treating you like absolute shit.

Wtfdoicare Wed 08-Nov-17 13:07:22

It sounds like he has utterly checked out of the marriage already, I'm afraid. Let him go to be with the OW. I am sure you'll be much happier and so will the kids. You have no kind of life with him.

revengeongc Wed 08-Nov-17 13:09:01

OP, read ChumpLady's 'Leave a cheater, gain a life'. I think you'll find it immensely helpful.

Kick him the fuck out. So what if he goes to his OW? They deserve each other and it won't last anyway. Make him feel some proper consequences to his appalling, selfish actions.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Nov-17 13:11:11

Why oh why are you putting up with this shite???
He's still seeing her.
And you are allowing him to treat you like a mug and walk all over you.
Because he knows you'll just put up and shut up eventually.
And you do!

This explains it:-

The more chances you give someone
The less respect they’ll start to have for you.
They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set
Because they’ll know another chance will always be given.
They’re not afraid to lose you because
They know, no matter what, you won’t walk away.
They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you!

Mix56 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:11:12

SIX TIMES, SIX. & you think you might be able to forgive. Why would you even try?
You have tried to forgive & move o together , you can't.
Call it a day, you're not happy, he's unfaithful & always going to fuck you about & then crawl back afterwards.

why not eh ? you take him back each time.

Pinkpillows Wed 08-Nov-17 13:13:58

There is no point in having sex with him you did before and he still strayed, ain't nothing you can do to stop him

Your children would be happy with two parents that don't fight than this. If you can't trust him end it

Mxyzptlk Wed 08-Nov-17 13:15:38

You want to save your marriage but you can't do it on your own. Your H isn't even trying.
His tears and begging are completely dishonest.
I wouldn't want to save my marriage if it was with someone who is clearly still in a relationship with the OW.

User0811 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:18:46

He promised he won't go back to her and I have to believe him.. he was sobbing and begging me not to chuck him out telling me it was all a mistake and even though he said he loved the OW he didn't mean it... that she just made him 'feel good' when I was so mad him.

I am so mad but exhausted by my anger which is turning me into a crazy person and I don't want to be angry with him anymore bc I think I'm pushing him to her even more... I don't want to lose him but I need to know if i'll ever get over this.

I do love him and I don't feel like I'm forcing myself to have sex... more that I know we have to and I can't explain why... but I want to now too.

I don't feel like I will right now.

CardinalCat Wed 08-Nov-17 13:19:22

Seriously, fuck that.

He's still having an affair, lovely. He may no longer be putting his dick in her, but he's thinking about it, and talking about it by text from the sound of things (and, let's face it, he's probably still doing it in person when he runs back to her each time.)

I've got to hand it to you, you've tried, and you've done what you think is best for your DD in order to salvage your family life. However, he has thrown that back in your face, the undeserving prick.. Midlife crisis indeed- who do these fuckers think they are??

Please listen to the words of the 'also shat-on once long ago'- If you continue to let this man behave like this then you are teaching your daughters a terrible lesson and setting a dreadful and unhealthy example around how people ought to treat each other in relationships. About what shit women ought to put up with before they say, 'actually, fuck this. ENOUGH.'

To go along being a doormat and raising daughters who think this is the norm is far worse IMO than the pain of a breakup which, if handled wisely by parents, can be short-lived and end up being hugely beneficial to the wellbeing of a family, albeit one that no longer lives together 24/7.

Apart from anything else, I don't know how you can live with the uncertainty- the not knowing whether the next cross word will have him bounding off to her again. (And while you describe her as young and attractive, can you imagine how low her self esteem must be to take him back each time?)

He sounds like a lost cause, but save yourself and your girls.

Indigo90 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:19:49

My exH did this too. He worked with OW who was also married and for 18 months after I found out, he kept restarting their affair whilst pretending to me it was all over. Unfortunately for him I kept finding out it wasn't. When I found out he'd say things like "I know you're the one for me" and "she doesn't really mean anything to me, its just an ego trip, I don't even like her really".

The third time this happened I saw the light and finally knew I had reached the end of the trail. I realised I could never trust him again, that whilst I had been trying to put our family back together, he just wanted his ego and his dick stroked regardless of the hurt it caused his family and that I had lost all respect for him. I asked him to leave and divorced him for adultery.

When I look back now I realise that he was doing everything he could to show me by his behaviour that he wanted out, but did not have the backbone to come out as the baddie. He wanted ME to be the one who broke up the family so he could say to the children "we would still be together if your mum had not divorced me" - Twat.

I'm seeing a lot of similarities with your situation OP. Keeping your family together is not worth the price you are paying and actually he is giving you a royal headfuck. This man is thinking of nothing but himself. You need to respect yourself and your children and divorce him.

PNGirl Wed 08-Nov-17 13:26:03

Oh, OP. You and he are done. Can you imagine yourself wondering if he is contacting her for the next 20 years? 30?

The affair is continuing in his head. Six times you have forgiven him. He knows you will forgive him the seventh, the tenth.

User0811 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:29:50

He hasn't been in touch with her for a bit and has given me full access to his phone and email so I want to believe he is trying...

I just feel I can't be angry or bring it up over and over again like I have the last 18 months because if i do, he'll just go back to her...

I can't even see what they have in common... she is so much younger than him and single with no children, no responsibilities. He knows this too that it is a bubble they were in and he has RL responsibilities that won't measure up to their disgusting affair. he is so sorry and tells me it's because i keep pushing him away with my constant arguing.

If I don't get mad and don't push him away then I don't think he will go back to OW.

But I don't think I can ever trust him again and I worry that i will always still be angry at him and jealous of her.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Nov-17 13:34:26

They honestly deserve each other.
The more you write the worse it gets.
He's a cheating scumbag.
He has not respect for you at all.
You 'putting out' will not fix this marriage.
He's ruined it.
Totally and utterly fucked it up.
It's all his doing.
You cannot fix this on your own.
STOP doing the 'pick me' dance.
All that does is lower your own self-esteem and your own self worth.
Kick him to the curb.
Get some space away from him.
Let him understand loss.
Then take it from there.

XJerseyGirlX Wed 08-Nov-17 13:35:30

fucking hell op, kick him to the curb and let him go back to OW. This instability will drive you crazy. So not worth it, the damage is irreparable. if he was sorry he wouldn't keep going back there. He is just turning on the tears to suit himself.

PNGirl Wed 08-Nov-17 13:36:57

Do you really want to be married to someone who is only not contacting the woman he fancies because you are monitoring his phone, blames you (!!!!!!!) for his weak ass self restarting the affair, and threatens to go back to her if you have a day where you are anything but sunny and smiley?!

You arent "winning" here against the OW. He is not a prize. Kick him out.

Mxyzptlk Wed 08-Nov-17 13:37:57

I just feel I can't be angry or bring it up over and over again like I have the last 18 months because if i do, he'll just go back to her...

he is so sorry and tells me it's because i keep pushing him away with my constant arguing.

If I don't get mad and don't push him away then I don't think he will go back to OW.

You have every right to be angry!
He should accept that and should be doing everything possible to make sure you stay with him, not the other way around.

This man is being completely selfish. Don't let him treat you like dirt.

PNGirl Wed 08-Nov-17 13:38:21

You are allowed to be angry and he needs to fucking well accept that.

Myheartbelongsto Wed 08-Nov-17 13:41:51

So if you stay married you'll have to be on your best behaviour so he doesn't go back to ow.

Where is your self respect op. This is no marriage at all.

The damage you will do to your children if you stay will be dreadful.

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