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Need a hand hold please I'm so stressed and sad...

(13 Posts)
Namechangedgamechanged Wed 08-Nov-17 12:25:49

...and ashamed of myself quite frankly...

I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 3 years with a guy who started as a FWB but we developed feelings for each other.

I love him very much but we just can’t seem to make it work.

We moved in together in the Springtime after much discussion, acceptance by the DCs he has one and I have one.

When it works it works well, but recently there have been a lot of disagreements and he tends to sulk which affects the dynamic in the house then we make up until the next time.

I’m really stressed at the moment because I’m divorcing my Narc Ex and he’s not willing to submit any paperwork, attend any hearings, pay any legal bills or child maintenance etc. Basically he’s being an arse and this divorce has now dragged on for years. When we discussed my partner moving in I had a court date in May but now the hearing has been delayed to this month because he keeps ignoring the courts. (I’m in a different country and the approach of “contempt of court” seems severely lacking)

So basically I’m still married. I asked my partner to be kind to me during this period as I’m not myself. But he sets very high standards that I never seem to reach and I seem to just upset him by simply being me. 😞

The last argument we had was that I was not showing him enough respect because after I make dinner and clear up I never take his plate, just mine and my DS.

I apologise, I’d hate to think he felt this way but I’m not in my own mind at the moment. I’m trying to juggle a full on full time job, commute, money, single parenthood with a DS with some problems (health issues and he’s suffered a lot of change in his life since his father left - new school, in a new language, etc) so it’s never intentional. More an oversight on my part.

I try to care and look after my partner as well as I can, so it’s not malicious or purposeful on my side ....he’s admitted to being a very jealous person and he thinks he hides it but he can’t all the time. There’s also a certain amount of paranoia I think due to cannabis use, but I can’t bring that up as it’s such a sore subject I can’t go through any more arguments and I accepted that about him I suppose. (It’s not obvious use in the house I have to add, and the kids are unaware of it).

This week the arguments were over Christmas and families visiting. I had a mammogram booked for yesterday- all clear thank god, and since I mentioned it he hasn’t said a word, not a word.

He was in a mood with me the night before the appointment and slept in another room, left in the morning without a word of support or a hug, couldn’t get past this stupid small argument I guess. He sent me a text asking what time the appointment was. Stupidly I had some deranged romantic thought that he might turn up, or come home early.

He did send a text an hour after the appointment to ask if there was any news. I was asleep as it was quite painful and I didn’t see it.

I felt so bloody alone and scared in my appointment. My DS was a rock, huge hugs in the morning, and the poor thing had been googling mammograms and breast cancer statistics so that he could care for me.

The evening was one of silence again. Not a word said and another night alone in bed.

This morning I got up and left a copy of the lease termination letter for him to sign. He moved in with me, as I’m renting a big house, but financially it was killing me, so if he left we all have to go. Which we do....

He signed it before he left.

I’m utterly ashamed. I exposed my DS to this and moved in with a guy who’ll be moving out before I’m even divorced from the first one. What the fuck was I thinking???

I have to tell everyone that the relationship is over, I have to pick myself up from the floor again and I have to support my boy through all this again.

I was married for 13 years but when my ex left it was relief. He cheated, lied and stole from me and cocklodged at home while I worked my fingers to the bone.

I thought I’d met a goodun, he cares for his DC, pays generously for her, financially supports himself. We were different in personality but we seemed to fit. He is introvert and I am extrovert (not excessively) and I thought he accepted that I liked to go out and socialise once a month maximum.

But the sulking about it got so much I began to get afraid of asking to go out for dinner occasionally with a bunch of 40 year old women and a gay man!

So today it’s over, we have to get through the next 3 months of the tenancy, I have to face the world and say I failed and I failed my son.

I’m lost and bereft. Fuck.

bullinachinacup Wed 08-Nov-17 13:02:01

Firstly big hugs. It sounds as though you have a lot of different issues to deal with; so start by being kind to yourself. It's impressive that you are able to juggle so many different balls, parenthood etc. I can't see from your post, what you are ashamed of, you sound like a very strong independent woman.

Everyone makes mistakes. You tried to have your emotional needs met by someone and it didn't work out. Being a lone parent doesn't turn of your feelings and needs and it sounds like you have always considered your child in your decisions. There are two sides to every story, but this man sounds a bit controlling TBH. There are some interesting articles about how some men prey on single mothers vulnerabilities when dating; I was stung this way sad . It sounds like you have learned some valuable lessons, but have enough awareness to take action xx

Cricrichan Wed 08-Nov-17 13:08:08

He sounds controlling and jealous and mean. Definitely time to move on for yours and your child's sake.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Wed 08-Nov-17 13:13:52

Name totally agree with pp that you need to be kind to yourself. Your ds sounds like a lovely, caring child so well done for raising such a good kid despite the men in your life.

Honestly I’m impressed by you; you’ve realised this relationship isn’t going anywhere and you’re getting out, you’re not prolonging the agony and kidding yourself. Please don’t be ashamed, I can understand why you might judge yourself but don’t. Big breath, cuddle your boy, tell him what’s happening and start over just you and him... and maybe keep it that way for a while? Good luck x

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Nov-17 13:16:47

OMG - Not another, seemingly intelligent woman putting up with being treated like shit.
So you cook and you clean up and he moans he has to take his plate out.
FFS!
HE should be clearing up.
Honestly. He sounds like an abusive prick.

I'm very glad it's over.
You have NOT failed your son.
You are teaching him that you don't treat women how your Ex treats you.
That women can be strong and get themselves out of a horrible situation.
That no-one has to put up with abuse.
That is FAR from failing.
That is showing strength!
Well done!

saoirse31 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:22:37

Agree with above posters. Tho have no clue why you're telling your Ds you'd to have mammogram. Why worry him when there may be nothing to worry about, as it turned out in fact.

Namechangedgamechanged Wed 08-Nov-17 14:03:49

Thank you all. It’s good to hear I’m not making a compete tit of myself.

Yes I feel it best to cut my losses now, show my son that you can change things if you should for the better and that people make mistakes.

Aah I can hear my STBXH laughing from here....he always hated the fact that i moved on. Even though he did too and has another partner now. Still, chin up and face the blows!

@saoirse31 unfortunately my son heard a conversation with a neighbour from the upstairs window as I was arranging for him to get a lift to a club in case I was running late and/or in pain after the appointment. (And my god it was painful). So he googled the word he heard and came to me to speak about it. I told him it was nothing to worry about just a routine check, but he’s 12 with a tablet so he found out for himself why I could be going. Luckily it was just a couple of days between that and the appointment.

When my STBEXH left us I managed to make some new friends - a lovely group, supportive funny generous friends. But each time I went out (three occasions in the past 7 months) I got home to silence, sulking and then a discussion on how disrespectful it was to my partner that a woman my age (46) was drinking and dancing with other people.

The trouble is he hates going out. And is very shy around people. But I’m not. These people supported me through the worst of times....when I found my SAHD ex on websites looking for daytime sexual encounters, when I lost my job through illness and had to find a new one and manage the unemployment process in another language, when life just got to much...they were there for me, as I hope I am for them.

My STBXH hated me having friends of my own, but would rather try and get in with them and make them his own friends rather than this.

And no this was my last chance at love in a relationship. I still love him very much, and I have nothing left to give another person. I’m sure on that.

So I’m facing life alone, which I can do, but not without friends.

Namechangedgamechanged Wed 08-Nov-17 14:15:32

@bullinachinacup so sorry to hear you were stung by that. How sick to think that people’s minds work that way.

I did all the checks I thought....

How he treats his ex wife and child, how he supports his family, he lived alone for nearly 5 years and seemed self sufficient. He does do things around the house, I’m not saying that...this is why the plate comment threw me. But it’s not about the plate it’s the “bigger picture” of respect I was told (when I replied you’re a 40 year old man, pick up your own plate).

When I remind him of the occasions I do go out of my way to care for him I’m being small in bringing them up.

We are two different cultures so maybe that and our language causes problems too.

I did all the checks but the red flags seemingly unfurled when he got here and had expectations of how his partner should act.

bullinachinacup Wed 08-Nov-17 14:32:21

sad well, you were not a mind reader and it's often not until living together or post honey moon stage that these things come up. That said; I wouldn't want to tell anyone what to do in their relationship, we all have different expectations, tolerance levels and needs. It sounds to me as if you are feeling a bit stuck as a result of circumstances as opposed to enjoying the relationship. One step at a time though. How long until divorce is finalised? would you say that this is the most stressful thing?x flowers

bullinachinacup Wed 08-Nov-17 14:33:29

and I don't think you are being small in "bringing up the ways that you care for him"

Namechangedgamechanged Wed 08-Nov-17 14:38:26

Final hearing at the end of the month. Court has done all the investigation into my ex. Even if he doesn’t show up it’ll be decided.

And more than likely I will lose half of my pension because he really wouldn’t get a proper job here to help support the family.

I’m going to lose so much this month. Need to focus on what I have...my boy, my health, a job and friends....

Namechangedgamechanged Wed 08-Nov-17 14:39:33

Stuck is the word indeed. I asked for patience until I got through this month. Apparently I got it. So makes me wonder what comes after eh?

Bibbidee Wed 08-Nov-17 15:02:54

@Namechangedgamechanged Sorry but did I write this post?!!! Omg his behaviour is so similar to my ex DP! I introduced him to my DC too but he didn't move in. He just couldn't understand the stress of my divorce, dragging on, or the stress of kids. I think he didn't have any empathy and he was jealous too. I sat in the whole weekend on my own in my pajamas because we finished Friday night; he took me out for a meal, I got bad indigestion and suggested we go home after the meal but he wanted to go and party and instead of saying 'no worries babe we'll head back' he said 'you're always like this' 'you never get ill when you're out with your mates!' Honestly I was speechless! No empathy whatsoever!

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