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If your DP doesn't want children, how do you accept this and not destroy the relationship with resentment?

(51 Posts)
Atanimpasse Wed 08-Nov-17 11:16:30

Posting here in the hope someone can offer some words of wisdom.

In a nutshell - I'm 35. I have a sixteen year old daughter (who I had when I was just nineteen - her father has never been involved). A few years ago I met my incredible DP (who's just turned 45) - he has two teenage children who live with their mother. DP is wonderful - I could never have imagined meeting and being with someone I love so much and who loves me.

Here's the issue - I find myself thinking more and more about children. Having never been in a position to plan a child, give birth with a partner, raise a child together - it's something which is taking up more and more of my thoughts. I'll be 36 in a few months and I feel like time is running out. It's not that I want any baby, I want DP's baby. I've seen what an amazing father he is to his two children and I want to have a baby with him, or at least to talk about it.

However, DP cannot think about having another child at the moment. His divorce is not finalised and is causing endless stress and one of his children is seriously ill with the possibility that the illness will be terminal. At the moment it depends of treatment and waiting and seeing what happens.

So the timing is terrible. He is stressed out. He is emotionally drained, as am I. All he can say is that he doesn't know how he might feel in the future, but at present he can't consider anything to do with having more children. He doesn't want to say that he'll discuss in the future (in six or nine months for example), as he says that just adds further pressure on him which he doesn't need.

I'm conscious that I'm getting older and my fertility is potentially declining on a daily basis. I can't discuss anything without it upsetting both of us, but I can't just put up and shut up indefinitely without any form of resolution. I said yesterday that it just feels like he wants to stall until I'm infertile anyway, then the decision is made.

I don't want to break up the relationship - I want to be with him, not anyone else. But I don't know how I can avoid resentment creeping in, since ultimately he has the final say in this. There is no compromise. As irrational as it is, I just feel second best to his ex - he had children with her, why won't he have them with me? Is it that I'm not good enough? And I know that's not the reason - he's older, he has children, he has so much stress - but to me it feels like a rejection of me.

He has every right to feel like he does and me putting additional pressure on him isn't helpful. But it's just completely wearing me out emotionally. Colleagues are getting pregnant, friends are asking if we'll have a baby, I see pregnant women everywhere, I dream about being pregnant. It's just consuming me more and more. I don't want to jeopardise the relationship but can't get past these feelings. If I was ten years, or even five years younger, then I could wait and see what happens. But I don't have that luxury.

If anyone has any wisdom, please please share it as at the moment I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Nov-17 11:24:21

You need to give some space and time.
He may have a terminally sick child.
You need to back off.
Be there for him while things are difficult for him.
Support him through this.
Then think about kids.
You already have 3 between you.
He's 45. I would imagine he may not want to start again.
But depending on the outcome of his current situation he may want more.
Please give him time and do not pressure him right now.

If you can't wait and need to push on then you need to end this relationship and move on.
You cannot stop the resentment building.
It will build and build until it destroys you and your relationship.

ThisNameNow Wed 08-Nov-17 11:24:26

It sounds like you are already resenting him. Some of your feeling do seem unfair. You say you understand why he feels like he does but in the same breath say that you feel second best, rejected and not good enough.
Telling him that you think he is waiting until you are infertile is an unkind and manipulative thing to do. He isn't stringing you along. I don't know what else he can say.
I understand the need to have another child but it sounds like it's definitely off the cards. You have a choice to accept it maybe with the help of a counselor or leave the relationship. It's an awful situation to be in but as you say, it's not one where there can be a compromise.

loveyoutothemoon Wed 08-Nov-17 11:25:17

I think you need to hold back a bit, with all the pressure he's under, his daughter is seriously ill. See what the situation is regarding her health in 6-12 months. And bring it up again.

Oakleygirl Wed 08-Nov-17 11:34:00

I feel for you OP. I was in a similar position some years ago with my then DH. He didn't want any more children, I wanted "just one more" as we had two already and time was running out for me re my body clock. We had another eventually, and I'm not proud but I always tell my friends my youngest was a surprise to his dad but not to me (if you get my gist). I think men totally underestimate the biological pull women go through when they want a child. It often becomes all-consuming.

However, in your case you have a lot to consider what with his reasons being so valid. Having a seriously ill child is also all-consuming. The only advice I can give is to try to talk about this with him as much and as comprehensively as you can manage. Does he realise that this may become a deal breaker for the relationship? As you have said he is lovely, then hopefully he will listen and understand and maybe a solution can be found?

I adore my "bonus child" and myself and my xdh wouldn't be without him even though our marriage sadly ended (for unrelated reasons) some years ago.

Good luck, and hopefully there will be some wise words from other posters on here too. flowers

Poshindevon Wed 08-Nov-17 11:37:46

You are being selfish and totally unreasonable.
Your DP is not yet divorced (divorce is a very stressful experience) he has two children who must be given support during the divorce one of whom is seriously ill and you feel second best ! shock
You have your little fantasy of a planned baby growing up with you and Mr Wonderful. Get a grip!
You have a child be grateful.
How can you put pressure on this man who you supposedly love while he is going through a difficult time?
Children are not a prerequisite for a happy loving relationship.
You need to offer support not bang on about your fertility and a baby.

MyBrilliantDisguise Wed 08-Nov-17 11:40:26

You've been with your DP a few years. How come he's only just divorcing now? How come you're only just now wanting another child?

Atanimpasse Wed 08-Nov-17 11:40:41

I accept there are major levels of irrational feelings on my part.

It's not a question of ending the relationship - I want to be with him regardless. I don't want a baby with anyone else.

It's just how to deal with everything at the moment and how to somehow diffuse the situation. If I could switch my feelings off re: children, then I would. But it's getting ever more consuming.

TieGrr Wed 08-Nov-17 11:41:14

He doesn't know whether one of the children he already has is going to survive. Of course he doesn't want to think about having another child right now.

User452734838 Wed 08-Nov-17 11:45:06

You really need to back off on this. If I were him I would be seriously pissed off with this when going through something as traumatic as he is. How would you feel in his shoes if it was your daughter and he was pressurising you to have a baby?

You are not too old anyway. For now you need to switch this off regardless of how hard it is and just focus on what he is going through and offer support.

cherrycola2004 Wed 08-Nov-17 11:53:58

Think also, how would your DP's poorly DC feel to think their Dad is having another baby?

Goosegrass Wed 08-Nov-17 11:55:10

You are being breathtakingly insensitive. HIS CHILD COULD DIE. Christ on a bike.

kmc1111 Wed 08-Nov-17 11:55:24

If your DD was the one who was possibly dying do you think you'd have much patience for a DP who was pressuring you about whether you want more children?

If having another child is a deal breaker you need to end it, but if you want to be in the relationship regardless, you need to completely drop the topic for now, or your DP would be well-advised to drop you.

Poshindevon Wed 08-Nov-17 11:55:46

I want to be with him regardless - I dont want a baby with any one else
Unless you start putting things in perspective and stop this irritational behaviour DP may not want to be with you.
You need to seek professional advice your being irrational
As for oakleygirl and her surprise baby, tricking a partner is not the way to go

SavageBeauty73 Wed 08-Nov-17 12:06:12

I wouldn't be surprised if he left you. He has a potentially terminally ill child and you resent him for not having another child. I actually can't get over how selfish you are. I'm 44 and my daughter who's 15 has a serious heart condition. There is no way I could think about having a baby with a new child. Plus at 44 with 3 teenagers, the thought of a baby horrifies me.

Is his daughters condition genetic?

And as for tricking someone into a baby Oakley that's immoral and so wrong.

I really hope his daughter recovers.

Atanimpasse Wed 08-Nov-17 12:10:03

I accept what everyone is saying. What I'm asking for is practical advice as to HOW I drop it/forget it/bury it so that it doesn't cause resentment in the long-term. How do I not flinch involuntarily when he mentions children/future plans?

I'm not going to 'accidentally' fall pregnant - I have no desire to trick him into anything. Babies/children is a topic I am trying to avoid with him - however, he brought it up last night, inadvertently, and I'm trying to deal with it today.

Mishappening Wed 08-Nov-17 12:14:15

Freeze a few eggs; and then give your DP some space - he has a lot on his plate.

Jenala Wed 08-Nov-17 12:17:32

He isn't happy to have it hanging over his head to reconsider in 6 or 9 months, but you can do this anyway. Decide that you are going to put it to one side for 6 months. See how his ill child is doing after that time and be prepared to set it aside another 6 months. You're only 35, so you do still have time. Even if you could have a baby right now, it wouldn't be the right time with everything else going on anyway, and wouldn't be fair on your partners other children either.

I think some of the comments on here are a bit harsh. Correct but harsh. OP your post comes across like you know you are being a little unreasonable and irrational but want help in dealing with these feelings. Telling you to just give it a rest isn't really helpful as I'm sure you've been telling yourself that anyway.

Wanting a child can be all consuming, I know, I've felt that way. And probably what makes it worse is the not knowing, and being left to wait. So tell yourself, you will get resolution, just not right now. Try and break time down into chunks and tell yourself ok, I'll reevaluate in 6 months. Not never, not at some undefined point, but in 6 months. It may be you have to do this again in 6 months but at least that way you have some idea of time - otherwise if you're anything like me its just builds and builds into this immediate need to have an answer, which you know he isn't able to give you right now.

To do that would be to compromise rather than feel like he's in control. Also, consider how awful it would be if you were oregnant then found out his child did have a terminal illness. Bringing a new child into the world while losing another would be such a headfuck for the poor guy and could have untold repercussions on your relationship.

Jenala Wed 08-Nov-17 12:18:39

Sorry x posted. Maybe that'll be useful anyway I don't know.

SandyY2K Wed 08-Nov-17 12:19:54

You get through by realising you have a man you love. You have a child and you try and understand the he'll he's going through.

Realise that you are very fortunate to have one child. I'd understand if you didn't have any.

HotNatured Wed 08-Nov-17 12:24:49

You clearly aren't going to be able to 'turn off' how you are feeling, you say you have resentment that he doesn't want to even think about it right now. You come across as incredibly selfish. The guy's daughter may be dying hmm

I don't want children, my choice. My DP and I have had the convo about his future desires re whether he wants a family or not. He does want children but he wants to be with me more. I have made it clear to him that children are not on the agenda for me and they never will be. He has accepted that. If he was resenting me for it that would be extremely unfair as I have made my position clear.

No one is forcing you to stay in this relationship. Your attitude must be impacting on the stress that your DP is already under when what he needs right now is your total and utter support, not for you to be seething with underlying resentment and 'flinching' when he mentions the future. He doesn't want kids now, you either accept that or you don't.

Catalufa Wed 08-Nov-17 12:25:05

I agree with the advice about giving it (say) 6 months - in your own head, without mentioning this to DP. Have 6 months when you do not mention it to him at all and you accept that it’s definitely not going to happen in that time. Then see where you are in 6 months.

BackInTheRoom Wed 08-Nov-17 12:34:42

@Atanimpasse I know a few women who had children late 30's early 40's so you still have time. However your DP is already 45 and maybe he probably doesn't want anymore kids.

How do you deal/get over this feeling of wanting more kids? Well imagine night feeding, weening, leaky breasts, nursey/school runs, kids friendship problems, sleepovers...these are all things you and he would do with less sleep! Your DP is older and might be knackered and irritable and feel resentful and you might argue more.

Alternatively you could cast the idea aside and really concentrate on making your relationship amazeballs! Plan exciting things to do together, with those 3 DC and strengthen your family unit.

Have a read of this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

RainyApril Wed 08-Nov-17 12:36:49

I don't understand what you mean by needing advice to bury it.

Every day, lots of people have to give up on something they really want because it can't happen.

In some cases women have to come to terms with the fact that they can't have a baby at all.

You just accept that he doesn't want another child, and that your needs don't trump his, and that you still love him enough to stay despite that. You consider yourselves lucky to have three children. You find other things to fill your time. If that seems impossible, split now and save yourself and him a lot of misery.

Porpoises Wed 08-Nov-17 12:44:03

If finances allow, could you look into egg freezing? That might take the time pressure off a bit.

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