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Living in different countries?

(10 Posts)
Ck1011993 Wed 08-Nov-17 11:01:34

Hi all,

Hoping for some advice or insight.

I am 25 and live in London with by boyfriend of 3 years. I moved to London 3 years ago also and met him here. I am originally from Ireland and imagine that one day I will wish to move home, when I have a family of my own.

I am extremely close to my family and can’t imagine not being a drive away from them when I have my own kids. While my boyfriend has a good relationship with his family too, it is not quite the same as the bond that I have with my own.

My boyfriend has a really good job here and while I know he would still earn a good living, I am not sure he would get the same kind of salary back home. On top of this, he has been honest in telling me that if I decided to pack up my bags one day and needed to move home, he can’t be 100% sure he would be ready to go too, nor can he put a date on if and when he might be ready (which I understand – I moved to London of my own free will – moving to Dublin was never his dream).

I have been considering the possibilities lately and wondered about owning a place in Dublin and one in London at a later stage. Perhaps I would live in Dublin and he would work Monday-Thursday in London and spend the other days in Dublin. I know that perhaps this would not be practical long-term but maybe it would be a good way of giving us both what we need for a while, when the time comes and easing my boyfriend in to a more full-time move to Dublin. I have discussed this with him and he agrees that short-term it may be a good option so as not to have to completely uproot everything and move straight to a country where he only has my friends and none of his own yet.

For the time being I am more than happy in London and I myself am not ready to move home but I wanted to see what you ladies think – do any of you spend time away from your partner during the week and reunite at the weekends? If so, do you have kids too and how do you find it as a family? I know it can be done, it was just never my first choice of how I thought I would do things but I am coming to learn that life doesn’t always pan out as expected and when you love someone you will do whatever you can to make it work and ensure you are both happy and fulfilled.

Thanks in advance!

Katedotness1963 Wed 08-Nov-17 13:58:50

For two years my husband had a job in Alaska and my kids and I lived in Scotland. He was away three months, then home for a month. It was hard but we managed it. I had no family or friends there so loneliness was a big problem.

Myheartbelongsto Wed 08-Nov-17 14:27:05

Currently in Dublin. Do not come back here!

Pinkpillows Wed 08-Nov-17 14:54:28

This works alot smoother if you stayed together had kids but lived apart, than it would if you split and had custody battle. I also don't think its fair long term on the children you may have.

TsunamiOfShit Wed 08-Nov-17 15:03:33

Be careful and think of what might happen if you split when you have DCs.

I moved to the UK from Europe after meeting British exH. We have children and have now divorced and I am stuck in a country with two DCs but no other family. I'm not allowed to move back home now which sucks a bit.

I think it would be difficult living between two countries with children.

Josuk Wed 08-Nov-17 15:39:01

OP - you are right in saying that life often doesn’t pan out as you thought it would. And it may or may not for you.
I think, at some point you’ll have to chose what’s more important - that image or the relationship you have.

It doesn’t sound like you BF is keen to move. And, most likely, he won’t want to in the future.
And the set-up that you are proposing is not very fair on him -
He’ll need to give up his life and move somewhere where you feel at home and know everyone. While he’ll be a stranger and fully dependent on you - meaning you’ll be his world and his only friend.
And - if he doesn’t move full time - he’ll only be a weekend dad.

I know people who moved for their spouses to another country, to the spouses home towns. And, often, it ends up being quite a lonely and insular experience. And if relationships breaks down - those people always end up losing.

At the same time - you are still only 25 and there is no rush to make life changing decisions.
So - good luck to you and your bf!

Psychobabble123 Wed 08-Nov-17 15:47:31

Listen to tsunami, if you split the child access arrangements will be a nightmare!

grasspigeons Wed 08-Nov-17 15:48:38

I've not don't this - home for DH and I is the same place, but he has worked abroad and come home for weekends for 2 years (does a different working pattern now)

You end up living very different lives. I resented him his freedom whilst I kept everything running at home (colicy baby, toddler, job and house) . He had a gym membership, went out for dinner etc and was living like a bachelor. But I has no support to do those kind of things. It's also really expensive flying to and fro all the time.

It does 'work' but you need to be honest how you'd feel.

SparkyBlue Wed 08-Nov-17 15:50:36

OP at least your partner is being honest and isn’t stringing you along with you thinking he will be happy to move to Ireland at some stage. I was like you twenty years ago living abroad but still had the pull of home so I moved back to Ireland and never regretted it but I didn’t have a serious relationship so my circumstances were different. Do you see yourself and your partner settling down together with children?

TwoKidsAndCounting Wed 08-Nov-17 15:52:33

This must be really difficult for you but speaking from experience, I moved from Cambridge to Ireland where my husband is from with our kids and he works away (a month since we saw him last) and it is really hard at times. Fortunately we both have good jobs and are earning a good amount of money to support a good standard of living because if we weren't then I can imagine life being a little grim, it's far more expensive to live day to day here, the job market and standard of living compared to the UK is incomparible and I would not blame your BF for not wanting to move. But I love it and really enjoy the peace and quiet of life, everyone friendly. It's not for everyone, the weather alone would put most off!

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