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Got to make a decision(26 Posts)
I’m 25 and been living with my boyfriend of 2 years for the last 6 months. We got together when I was fairly low in confidence and he helped build me up, were friends first and then he persuaded me we would make a great couple. I have struggles reading social cues, so although I had doubts, I trusted his judgement.
It was great at first, he listened to me lots, helped me with my problems, supported me, got his first passport so he could join me on trips (travelling is a passion of mine). He also came and supported me in my first appointment to get assessed for ASD.
Fast forward 18 months and a lot has changed. I was diagnosed with ASD, understood myself for the first time ever and also started a job that was very accepting of this fact and the result has been a massive growth in confidence. I am now starting to doubt some of the compromises in our relationship, which unfortunately were highlighted more by moving in together.
Housework. He has never helped much with this. Before we moved in together I expressed concern about the state of his flat and he assured me that if he lived with someone else, he would not accept that level of filth. Wrong; his attitude to housework is very much, if you want it done, you do it. Meaning if I want the bathroom or kitchen cleaned more than twice a year. He works 20 hours per week less than me so the agreement always was he would do a bit more than me. Now we’re at such a critical point he has stepped up but it feels like he’s just doing it to keep me.
Sex. It’s never been great and it was the attraction I doubted at the start of the relationship. I do find him physically attractive and it’s good when it happens but there is no chemistry between us to create an initial desire. He never would instigate and it happens about once a month. I have a higher sex drive than this but the dynamic between us is just more friendly and doesn’t make me want to do it.
Interests. We are lacking shared interests; there are about 2 TV shows we can agree to watch, struggle to agree on a movie to watch. I would rather read, he’s a gamer and happy to not get out of bed all weekend and just game. I would like to get out and about at the weekend for runs/bike rides/walks in the countryside and he has always said it’s not his thing (although now we are at a make or break point he’s saying he would like to do those things). I like having good conversations about things we’re interested in and once we’ve shared our respective days and I start talking about something elsec, he asks “doesn’t your brain hurt with all that thinking?”. As a result I’ve started to feel a lack of emotional connection.
I’m starting to feel he’s lacking in drive and motivation whilst I want to get up and get on with life. I feel like I’m dragging him along and he’s going with it, whereas really I want him to be on the same level as me.
On the plus side, we share a moral compass, have the same values, same future goals. In the past we laughed a lot and were silly together and had a lot of fun. I worry that if I end it, I’m throwing away something good and that we could have a great future but at the moment just can’t connect with my feelings or understand them, which, with my ASD is understandable.
One further thing that bothers me is the ASD. After his initial support he’s been very dismissive of it. Finally getting an explanation for the way I am has been transformative to me and I am finally able to ‘help myself’ and manage the condition. My confidence has come on massively but he’s just not been part of it. He looks bored if I try and talk about it, refuses to move the playstation out of the bedroom, even when I explain the sensory impact. He often implies that he’s bored of it or thinks I use it as an excuse. As a result I have started to confide in my boss instead and unfortunately we are getting closer and I am starting to develop feelings for him.
I’m trying desperately to keep a lid on those and focus on my relationship but it feels an enormous amount of issues to resolve! I don’t want to think the grass is greener and feel hugely sad when I think of ending it as we do have great fun together but where do I even start to fix those things?
He is aware of how I feel but just wants to wait for me to make a decision and go with it.
Sorry for huge post, what would you do?
Honestly I would leave. I don't think this is just your condition causing problems - sounds like he is the cause of most of these problems and I doubt it will improve. You deserve more!
Thanks for ploughing through that! A lot of people that know both of us are saying “well you must have wanted it once, you could do a lot worse” so I’m appreciated an outsider opinion!
You have outgrown the relationship hanging on is not helpful for either of you
What sort of advice is that? You deserve to be with someone who is mad about you and you about them. This is just settling!
You would be better as friends than partners. I read your post and I have no idea why you're together.
You need to move on. You’ve grown up and beyond him and he’s no longer the one for you. If I were you I’d find a place of my own, give yourself some space and see where life takes you in the future. Him being a nice guy is fine but not enough for you now.
I think you've outgrown it too.
I also think it's hard to break a gaming addiction which seems to be what he has. Not taking the PlayStation out of the bedroom is just shitty.
Thanks! It’s amazing that people are taking the time to read and advise.
MrsExpo that sounds a really great thing to do and I think it would do me a lot of good!
You need to leave as it’s not going to get any better
I made the mistake of thinking it would, and stayed in the relationship for 19 years. He left me the week of my autism assessment, which said it all to me, and now I’m with someone who wants to support me and it’s so different.
You can do so much better for yourself.
You have 'found yourself' so to speak. You have grown up, matured, and are realising what you do and don't want. You are moving in different directions (well it doesn't sound like he is moving at all tbh) and aren't on the same page anymore. You deserve to be properly happy, whether that is by yourself or a new more suitable partner in the future. Don't just settle, like so many women do. You don't love him.
On the plus side, we share a moral compass, have the same values, same future goals
You also share those things with millions of people who vote for the same political party as you do. That alone is no basis for a loving relationship between two people. There has to be a lot more, and that is what is missing here.
You need to move on from this relationship. You are in different places, and you cannot make this work any more.
You've met someone else, the rest is justification, so it's time to move on.
You're totally incompatible. The only things holding you together are that you used to have fun (past tense) and have shared goals - how are they shared goals? Presumably you want kids or something to build together - how are you going to share those goals when he's lazy and selfish? Don't have kids with a slob, that's a stupid thing to do, and how could you trust him to be an equal partner in anything when he can't even pull his weight in housework!?
Don't stay in a bad relationship through your 20s or you will bitterly regret it in your 30s and beyond. Trust me.
It sounds like you'd be better off as friends.
You're not sexually attracted to each other, having different interests etc and at such a young age and after only 2 years it shouldn't be this hard work. You've no kids and no ties, there really isn't much point being together. It sounds a bit like he enjoyed being the rescuer but now that you've had a diagnosis and work in a supportive environment and it's no longer about him, he's no longer interested.
You have been on a huge journey for the past two years and have discovered your true self. You seem very insightful about your feelings and needs and your relationship. If it was just an issue over housework I would say get a cleaner. But there are so many other things that you have identified that are not working for you. It does seem that it is time for you to move on. I would however resist moving from this relationship to someone else straight away. Especially one with your boss which could cause a whole lot of other issues. You have job that you like and are supportive of your ASC needs so don't risk jeopardising that. I agree with PP who suggested you try and get your own place and be independent and do your own thing for a bit. Sounds like you have come a really long way and have lots of amazing experiences to look forward to . Just not with the person you are with at the moment. Good luck
were friends first and then he persuaded me we would make a great couple.
He was wrong.
There is literally no point to this relationship. You need to move out and get your own place or offer him the opportunity to move out first.
As I often say on here, the whole point of dating before marriage [if marriage is what you aspire to one day] or getting a mortgage/having kids is to find these things out before the thing that seals you together happens.
I would not recommend going out with your boss, not whilst you are still working there at least. Is he single?
I think housework should be 50-50 if no kids involved though realistically it probably isn't going to be great with him.
Shared interests you do need and he needs to make an effort. You may have to try things to find something you both enjoy but you do need to be doing things together at the weekend at least.
People grow and change throughout their lives - or should do anyway! And this is why I'm always surprised when others are surprised at relationship breakups. What works for a while doesn't always work for ever.
You're young and you say yourself that you have grown and learned a lot about yourself and what you like and don't like. You understand your ASD and how to manage it.
This man helped you get to where you are now, but you have left him behind. He is not growing and learning with you and isn't interested in changing. It's time for you to move on. And you should do so without fear or recriminations. Good luck OP! You have a great future ahead of you - but not with this man.
Thank you so much tor all your very insightful responses. There is a lot there that rings true for me and I also appreciate those of you telling me there is more for me out there! I think I know really what I want, I just need to be strong against a tide of close family and friends telling me to make an effort!
I have no plans for starting anything with my boss. I feel like I need to do my own thing for a while and it would jeopardise my job which I really love.
I just need to be strong against a tide of close family and friends telling me to make an effort!
Tell them to jog on, and when he is single they are more than welcome to date him. This is your life not theirs.
Just want to thank everyone here for taking the time to read and comment. I have left and gone back to my parents and although it wasn’t pleasant it was the right thing to do.
Although I really wanted to get my own place straightaway, if I stay here a couple of months there are some new build flats in a small town I really like near my work and I think I could buy all by myself (expensive SE market town so it would be an achievment!) so I guess I’m already excited about my new future!
Congratulations on making the best and right decision after having thought about what you need. You haven't 'settled' for less than you deserve - you are to be admired that!
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